Veronica

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Veronica
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Re: Veronica

Post by Veronica » Tue Apr 27, 2021 7:23 am

Since I quit my job I have been going to work on the family property. My mother back in 91 found her dream property and moved her family to it. Its huge, 4 complete dwellings as well as a barn and garage and an acre or more of land. When she passed in 96 my father lost most all interest in upkeep.

So I have been hella busy with years and years of all sorts of accumulation and disrepair. I find this work soulfully rewarding, I thrive on hard physical outdoor labour and making order out of chaos.

I see this work in my SSR as the Moon and Mars on my Natal Saturn. It is emotional work at times. I cry sometimes outta the blue about how being weak and small with no upper body strength makes these tasks so much more work for me then it would a man. Men take it for granted that they can lift a chainsaw, it would take them an hour to do what takes me all day.

But I've tried for years to get help to get it done and no one ever has time to help. So I'm just plugging away, stick by stick and rock by rock acutely aware that while my mind feels like a blissfull 8 year old, my heart has been beating for 50 years and demands that I respect that.

I have my lunar return coming up and had been looking it and wondering about the saturn on saturn....and the nice venus mercury sun.....and Jupiter saying hi to my sun and moon this year is soooooooo beautiful on so many levels....

Anyway......at just about exactly 5:40pm yesterday at my dads house in Scottsville I was forced out of my bubble by my father who heard the neighbors mower rev up.....and told me to go over and get his phone number so my dad can make arrangements for him to mow the lawn so that I didn't have to lug over my push mower in the boot of the car anymore.

So I bounded out of the house, in my "not for publicing" work outfit of an especially odd flavor of the day, and had to ....oh my god....go get this guys phone number...omg...

Well apparently the lawn mower guy is not the neighbor. He's friends with the son of the widow who lives there. Yup.
I think I must have been a strange site because he just kept smiling and smiling and smiling and me and it got me smiling and smiling back and feeling very very strange and I kinda forgot what I was doing and why I made him stop mowing to talk to me. And when I said I was sorry to bother him he said it wasn't a bother at all and he would be glad to help and he gave me his name and number for my dad to call.

Yea, so that got a whole bunch of weird feelings that I hadn't felt in so long popping up, and got me wondering about where they were coming from and what is going on inside to make me feel all awkward and shy and GOOD deep inside.

I didn't think I had those feelings anymore. By just smiling so big and happily at me, like I had made his day by talking to him, or that the sticks and leaves in my hair and my thigh high skull legging with sparkly sneakers and a Jack Skellington hoodie was just the most silliest outfit he had ever seen......I dont know, who knows what was making him look so at me.

So I am very very happy that I dont have to mow the lawn. That frees up alot of my time so that I can chip away at the other things that have to be done. I am hoping with this Lunar return that the Angular Mars allows me to really bang out alot of hard work this spring before the summer heat and humidity hits.

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Re: Veronica

Post by SteveS » Wed Apr 28, 2021 5:27 am

8-)

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Re: Veronica

Post by Veronica » Sun May 02, 2021 7:42 am

Sigh....
Yea it sounded cool didn't it Steve.

Yet I still had to bring my mower and mow.
Mother Nature grows grass that doesn't fit it to a weekly schedule, and I wasn't clear enough that I wanted it done ASAP.

My father told me that men want women to tell them exactly what they need and when it needs to be done.

I dont like telling people what to do.

I like to let people know what I'm doing and how I could use help and then let them decide if they have the inclination and time to join me.

Actually it not that I like doing it that way, it's just how I work, which might explain why no one ever really jumps in and says "oh I would love to pick up sticks and cut down branches and dig out stumps with you, that sounds like lotsa fun and a great way to enjoy my time."
It feels like Jason (1990-1999) and Eric (1999-2013) only did "my projects" with me because they knew I would have sex and show my appreciation and gratitude intimately with them. I dont feel like they truly cared about organic gardening, or off grid living, or animal husbandry......they just went along with me.


Craig always has his own projects and never had time so I very quickly in our relationship learned my projects/family was my own. I pretty much gave up all my projects and interests to spend time with Craig and try and help him with his projects.

Being in the yard again, and recalling all my earth projects and plans mom and I had for the property, is so hard and emotional and at times I feel that I am so far away from that 20 year old who composted and recycled and howled at the moon.

I dont ever want to forget my projects again. I dont want help from people like J and Eric who had their own motives for helping me. I want help from the heart. I want my family as a whole to take an interest in preserving this home my mother built for us.

My SSr has the Moon on my Saturn and I had spoke of learning that means forgetfulness sometimes.
I had a striking example this week.
I've been clearing up broken and felled trees entangled in mass with underbrush and all the trappings. Its spring and nothing really has leaves yet. I know trees and plants from studying botany and know all the poisonous things.
I forgot though that poisonous ivy doesn't need leaves and I forgot it was entangled in the dead pine, and I forgot to keep my hoodie on, and I forgot not to cut when the sun is high and hot.
I forgot also what it is like to have poison ivy burns up and down on your arms that look like whip and slash Mark's.

Though it also made me remember something that I love so very very much, the light touch of a soft feather on the skin.

My skin hurts and burns and itches so much and so inflamed and raw and hard like leather. But I can softly...oh so softly ...stroke my finger tips and it feels cool and refreshing. My mother called it "ticky" and she would do it to me as a babe to sooth me from my allergies. It's the best feeling and it's ok that I had to get all raw and ugly to make me remember that that is how I really like to be touched and what makes me feel better when I get overloaded.
Live and learn.

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Re: Veronica

Post by Veronica » Wed May 05, 2021 9:29 am

I woke up this morning and my bathroom window was open.

I received a court summons from Eric the other day.

As Saturn is transiting square my natal Saturn I find fears popping up all over. Ugly mean violent personal fears.

I walked in my sister watching a movie with a favorite actress of mine Amanda Siegfried, only to sit down to have my joy destroyed as I saw her brutally murdered by her husband. Why do they make such ugly things...movies about slashing and hurting and stalking...trying to normalize violence against women.

I met Eric the fall of 1999, my SSR that year had my natal Saturn at 22 Aries conjunct the MC at 21. Transiting Saturn was approaching its Return that year at 4 Aries.

Right now I am feeling Saturn approaching its last square of that Returns cycle. At times I am so afraid he is going to kill me. Or the kids. Or my dad. Or Craig. At other times I'm afraid I'm going to kill him if he crosses me.

Jim, I have tried and tried to look at things and rationalize them and say....oh he did that bc his such and such was hitting on her such and such and they had no seemingly constructive outlet for its expression so ....yea...it got expressed mean and ugly and hurtful....
I've looked at murderers charts and tried to think...if only this was tweaked like so...put this on the angle...and put them around this synasty...and it wouldn't be ugly.

And it scares me to no end to know that there is a person out there with terrible astrology with mine who if pushed could snap and snap my neck. It scares me think that there are people out there that I dont know who have horrible astrology with me and could snap my neck if I forget to use my blinker.

This last phase of this Saturn cycle, this square is going to be very hard in so many ways, I can already feel it. I am doing my best to stay up beat and optimistic, and I am allowing myself to surrender to crying and releasing feelings that I have held inside for too long, but then I get so very very angry, and I dont have a good history of behaving well when I am angry. I wish I could find a safe way to release my emotions but I just dont feel like I would be in control and safe.

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Re: Veronica

Post by SteveS » Fri May 07, 2021 5:46 am

When the wind of fear hits me, I do deep breathing exercises and singing with my music.

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Re: Veronica

Post by Veronica » Sat May 08, 2021 11:08 am

SteveS wrote:
Fri May 07, 2021 5:46 am
When the wind of fear hits me, I do deep breathing exercises and singing with my music.
Interesting.

I appreciate you saying that Steve.
I am fascinated by biological responses.
I am also fascinated by word choices.

I want to pick this apart for a second, because after I read your open honest reflection on your experience of fear, I had to honestly and openly reflect on my response to feeling afraid.

After going over in my head moments when I truly felt afraid and fearful, moments I thought my life was really in trouble, I wasn't shocked to admit that my response was the complete opposite of yours.

You said... you do deep breathing exercises and singing...very empowering acts. Deep breathing brings more oxygen into the blood and helps control the heart rate so that you actually physiologically have more power and energy and clarity and strength so that you can either fight off or flee. Singing as well does that, but also is a sign of confidence of action and self control and mastery. I do appreciate you letting me know these quick easy trick to gain self control. It is very important if you are going to end up on top.

My response though to those moments of terror.....
It took me a second to get to what really happens, seconds seem to stretch out into eternity, but what I do when I am truelly scared is to hold my breath and become as still as a stone. I try to make my heart literally stop beating. I get quiet. Beyond quiet.
Fear is paralyzing.

Growing up in a very violent chaotic home I had valid reasons for fear. I had to try and live with these people, some people who had very hard astrology with me.
As an adult, I can't be hurt by them like I was as a child and I also have choices and options that I didn't as a child.

I spent time looking at one of the most influential people in my life's chart and reflecting on the synasty with me.
(BrotherB 1-12-1963 Rochester NY) I'm not going to articulate anything about him, I know I shared a bit before, but after really looking at his chart and our lives, I see now how in a very real way, my romantic partners were almost all based off of me projecting into them aspects of the synastry I have with him. Dont let that Sag/ Cancer fool you or have you think he cares, he may have at one point, but he holds grudges about things that happened before you were born, things that he made up in his head overthinking, and he gets revenge.
But I dont have to interact with him. I can choose now to not have people in my life whose synastry doesnt feel nice. Even better when I can choose to be on top and not let the synastry effect me at all and rise above it and just let the Universe pour forth through my unique natal chart like it needs too.

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Re: Veronica

Post by SteveS » Sun May 09, 2021 5:23 am

V wrote:
Fear is paralyzing.
For sure! I encountered fear so many times in my life with my father, I had to learn methods to rid myself of fear, otherwise I would become physically sick with fear. Once I asked a high grade psychic how I could better control fear in my life. She said for me to get into an enclosed shower running warm water over by body and chanting the word Om or Aum with as deep tones as my vocal cords would allow. This sets-up penetrating sound vibrations in the enclosed shower, and it amazed me how magical it worked for me by calming my mind/body of fear. There were many times in my life where I had to do this in the mornings in order to get through the day without becoming throw-up nauseated with fear of my father. This deep seated fear of my father imo is symbolized in my Natal with a partile mundo conjunction of Saturn-Pluto in my Natal 9th House. I feel by chanting the sound of Om I was actually countering the “paralyzing” effects of fear by using “higher learning-knowledge” which is symbolized by the 9th House. It was like the Psychic channeled a divine message for me to overcome my fears.
The legend in section 1.2 of Chandogya Upanishad states that gods took the Udgitha (song of Om) unto themselves, thinking, "with this song we shall overcome the demons".[52] The syllable Om is thus implied as that which inspires the good inclinations within each person. Wikipedia
Read about the “higher knowledge” of Om from the sacred East with the below link:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Om

Sometimes you have to use law enforcement against threatening people in your life, so you must use your best judgement with Eric. I had to use law enforcement against my father twice in my life.

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Re: Veronica

Post by Victor » Wed May 12, 2021 8:04 pm

Mercury square Saturn always means a hard thinker!

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Re: Veronica

Post by Jim Eshelman » Wed May 12, 2021 8:15 pm

Victor wrote:
Wed May 12, 2021 8:04 pm
Mercury square Saturn always means a hard thinker!
Victor, did you post this in the wrong thread? I don't see Mercury-Saturn discussed in this thread previously.
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Ssr 2021

Post by Veronica » Thu May 13, 2021 5:48 am

Wow Steve, that's very interesting. Thank you for sharing, I too was told about chanting OM. It's amazing how well it works. I can do it only in my head too, for those times when I can't vibrate it out loud and it still helps.

What I have heard is that OM is the sound of all of creation in chorus, each making it's own tone to add, the constant hum in the background. It is very healing and empowering to attune to. At least it has been for me. Very good information to share and bring to light. It was very kind of that woman to share what she knew with you.

I appreciate your conversation about your experience of fear and of what was moving in the heavens when you were born. Saturn and Pluto are such great big powerful influences on development. I personally dont have them respecting each other in my chart, but I feel their transit affects deeply and profoundly. That huge transit must have greatly impacted your mother as she was carrying you. Saturn was transiting conjunct my Mothers moon/Mercurcy/Mars while she carried me and I know how deeply that affected both of us.

Funny thing going on in my life this year that dawned on me the other day. This whole SSR year so far in some " Groundhog Day" repeating pattern, my mother has strongly been on my mind and in my heart and driving my actions. I have agressesively been asserting myself at Her Home, (visiting and laboring) where I haven't felt comfortable to go since 2013 when I separated from Eric.

The devastation and literal rotting, hoarding, pirating, dumping there in my absence.......its beyond disgusting what has happened to that property..they ripped out the copper and pipes and the water has been just dripping onto everywhere inthe barn for years. ...my Mother would Kill every last one of us. That's not how she raised us. Her home was spotless and beautiful. She worked at it. Everyday.

So I'm trying to sort and salvage what I will kindly call a Dragon Hoard of Treasures, and clear and clean it up and that's when I realized that my SSR this year, unlike any year ever in my life, has a lot of Aries action (moon mars and Uranus) in the transit, upon my natal Saturn. That of course is where I originally thought the mom theme was coming from.

It just feels like she is in the air.
But really, she is in the chart because of her Aries planet stellium, which with Uranus in the fold now as in her natal, isn't shocking to be able to feel her more so now.

My dad and my brothers dont want to gut the property and completely remodel, like I do. Like it truly needs to have done to it to salvage. I know why they dont want to clean it out. They will deny it and say I am crazy, but I know why deep down inside they hate the idea of cleaning up her place.

I still to this day find dog hairs in my house. Been years now, and I sweep and mop and clean and yet I miss some each and everytime.

I had a very open and honest conversation with my dad about my experience of my brother who is hot as hell at me for my efforts and told him of my fears of him. It was good to finally be heard, and acknowledged by dad about his son's behavior toward me.

The other day I was working to understand my fears and where they come from and how I can better live with things like an open window, or a prank phone call and not spiral down into very dark places.

I then I remembered, again, a very very sad thing that happened in my family before I was born, and how that one event (which I am denied the date..no one in the family will say) made me very much the person I am today.

I forget that somehow, some crazy intangible way......
That I " psychically" knew I had another sibling who had tragically died in childbirth. I knew, and for so very very very long I didn't know how I knew. It wasn't until well after my mother passed that I started sharing with my siblings feelings and thoughts and dreams I had about this life and death, and finally got curt answers from my sisters that yes, that happened.

Science is now building the language though to give me the words I need so that I can explain it. I was literally formed cell by cell during a time when my mother was scared beyond belief about all the what ifs of pregnancy. She didn't want another baby. She had been traumatized by that experience and worn down.

It's hard to articulate, but I also looked into the time frame that I was conceived (approx. May 11 1970, which was the date strangely that I looked at it two days ago) and my parents natal charts to try and grok their mood.
I was conceived during a cancer moon.
Or I could say that my mother had sex, was seduced, was receptive, felt love toward my father during that phase of the moon. With his Piscean Libido I am sure that he felt the venus/mars conjunction going on in the sky, but I also think that she needed that type of moon to help her heal from the emotional trauma.
Cancer Moons are Mother Moons in that attention and affection are expressed in gentle, soft nurturing ways....

So I think that while my conception time frame shows a very loving and tender healing moment of passion for my mom, she was beyond worried during my formation.
Which I think shows in my character.

But the thing is, inspite of all her fears and worries and horrible hormonal and biochemical responses ....
I didn't die.
I made it.
I survived.

And everyday when I wake up, Im happy and full of excitement and enthusiasm and go get em Tiger!!! At the crack of dawn .....because...I could have died, but I was loved and carried, even though I wasn't really wanted in the first place. My mom fought tooth and nail to keep me alive. She risked her life.

My brother called and asked my sister " who the F^@* does she think she is.... "

I would love for him to ask me.

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Re: Veronica

Post by SteveS » Fri May 14, 2021 7:51 am

V wrote:
It was very kind of that woman to share what she knew with you.
Yes, she was a very special woman in my life in many different ways, and if not for my wife I never would have crossed her path.
It's good to see/feel the good things about your Mother in your chart. :)

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Re: Veronica

Post by Veronica » Sun May 16, 2021 6:00 am

SteveS wrote:
Fri May 14, 2021 7:51 am
V wrote:
It was very kind of that woman to share what she knew with you.
Yes, she was a very special woman in my life in many different ways, and if not for my wife I never would have crossed her path.

It's good to see/feel the good things about your Mother in your chart. :)
I personally feel that seeing and feeling the good things about Mother...in any and all of Her phases, be it your birth mother, your female relatives and friends or Mother Nature HerSelf...is the cream on the top of human existence, in that when we think lovingly and affectionately and attentively about our beloved female our body floods us with pure gold nurturing restoring and loving abilities.

Unfortunately we live in a culture that denies this biological fact and violently opposes people who want to walk around feeling in love with Thier Mother, their spouse, their female friends.

My mother was the most amazing woman.
And so was yours.
And everybody's.
This culture, this Patriarchal society which oppresses and enslaves everyone and denies that women have any value at all other then a man's sexual whim ....they will tell you otherwise, but trust me. I am living proof she was a rock star. And so are you.

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Re: Veronica

Post by SteveS » Sun May 16, 2021 8:38 am

Well spoken Veronica, lots of wisdom in your words.

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