I realized recently how much that has been a theme throughout my life.
For example, my mom has a hole in her right eardrum from a childhood accident, so she couldn't hear out of that ear. She would get very angry if she asked a question and I didn't speak up loud and clear. One of the worst beatings I got from her was when she asked me a question in the car, and didn't hear me because I was in the backseat facing her deaf ear, and I didn't answer very loudly (because I was afraid of her).
As a kid liked singing, doing impressions and creating vocal characters, making weird sounds with my mouth (that's pretty universal, I think
). My family hated most of this. They told me I was tone-deaf, had a terrible voice, begged me to stop. I hated my voice. It sounded nasal and high-pitched. I prayed in the mirror to sound like the bass singers in doo-wop groups (bob-be-de-bob..). I was a late bloomer, so my voice didn't change until the summer between sophomore and junior year of high school.
As a grownup, I've had issues with mumbling and not being heard, with feeling frustrated with being not listened to and misunderstood in relationships.
This doesn't mean that I am not verbal or communicative. But it does mean I over-compensate. I think somewhere on the site it mentions background mercury as correlating to "conspicuously intellectual" speech.
As a kid, I made an effort to use big words as much as possible. Grownups paid more attention to me when I talked like that.
As a grownup, I've been drawn to writing and music. Feeling thwarted in my need to feel heard, I've chosen media where I can control and edit my words and polish and adorn them with beauty, as a way of somehow making them appealing and worthy of being listened to.
The interesting thing is that over time I have become happier with how I sound. I joke that I smoked cigarettes and drank whiskey until I liked how my voice sounded, then stopped. I'm starting a voiceover company with a friend, and in that context I have gotten a lot of positive feedback for my voice.
And when I feel un-listened to or misunderstood, I let it go, and go write or practice music.
