Veronica

[Veronica]

I think that focusing on my Venus in Sagittarius is the healthiest thing for me to do right now.
when I feel tangled up in all the webs of life and my spirit screams to be free
it is that place that I go to
that girl who does cartwheels and plays with hula hoops and watches frogs and bugs and feels love and fascination for those creepy slimey thing
She is the one who gets me free

I suppress that, because its a very powerful force that seems to be like a beacon to seemingly scary things, like a moth to a flame.


yet I have to trust that I know myself and what I need to do to live
in this world filled with seemingly scary things

[Jim Eshelman]

My current working description:

VENUS IN SAGITTARIUS: Idealist; committed to a vision of the world as they feel it should be. Values friendship (sees it as ennobling, honoring). Expects reliable friends (returns the same). Great need to be liked, accepted (nearly always is) & to bring value to a friendship. Warm, sociable, welcoming. Loves fun. Zealous & generous lovers. Needs affection openly declared: dislikes guessing.

[Veronica]

I was gonna take that and apply it to myself. Meaning, Ill be my own best friend, Ill tell myself everyday that I am loved, I will do whats fun for me like coloring with my scented markers....ect ect and so on.

I figured it would be the healthiest thing to do. I am an idealist after all. forget about the rest of the stuff and just focus on loving myself as best as I can and trust that everything else will fall into place.

it seems like a really nice description and character but one that feels so far away from me that I need to pull it back in and Know it again.


Universal regeneration has to start some where:)

[Veronica]

I realized something about myself yesterday. It had been slowly creeping in, and for the past few years it has been sitting quietly in the corner. I am going through 45 years worth of stuff, getting ready to move and thinking that each and every piece of paper adds to the weight of freight that I have to pay to haul. So I am stripping things to the bare bones.
Other people influence me way to much. I am overly sensitive and get my feelings hurt easily. I am impressionable and naïve. People who are bullies have always seen me as a target. I have felt this my whole life, and I thought that this paranoia and creepy looking over my shoulder feeling was from the energies I was giving off, the vibes of signals. It was what I was born into.
I thought about how I made that poor man vomit just by being around me, and how he quit his job to get away from me. But honestly, that wasn’t me. That person is my defense, my mask I put on because I am an extremely shy and self conscious person.
I often thought that the biggest issue I had was some sort of unresolved daddy issue, like it seems so common, and while I do have a lot of issues about my dad when I look really close at them, I see again that the problems arise from me not being my true self. Of me putting on an air and using that to base decisions and actions and interactions.
When I said that I don’t recall smashing out Craig’s window and went black and don’t recall anything but craziness, that wasn’t me. I have had that happen a few other occasions, and I finally figured out what is going on, and I am going to do my best to bring out the true Veronica.

There was a demon in my house when I was born and her name was Marcy. She is loud and selfish, pushy demanding, self righteous, vindictive controlling and mean. And that’s the good stuff. She made life in my home horrible, with her screaming and smashing, beating and being a spoiled brat who hated everyone taking attention away from her. She was 11 when I was born, and she was used to be the star and ring master of the family, and she has resented me my whole life just for being born. She has been jealous of me and my quiet soft nature and has taken up my hobbies and pass times as her own, and in her own insidious way, past on all her horrible traits to me.
She moved away in 1977 in a flying fit of F -you family, you all suck I hate you and Im going to Los Angles to have fun. Before that she was the town whore, having sex at 11, dating older men, getting paid for sex and drugs and getting completely inebriated on anything she could. That who she is.
When she moved I felt such a relief, but it effected my family deeply, because she was now just being Marcy, 5000 miles away. She didn’t stop calling and writing and trying to control us. She just changed her game, picked up with the hells angels and started running drugs and sex all that goes with being an Angel, which is her personality. She makes a great biker bitch, it fits her.
She bad mouthed everyone I loved and would tell me the worst things about them, pointing out what shits everyone else was, and me being a child I listened and just soaked up her toxic stuff, and slowly over years and years of imprinting, viola…..here I am, a messed up blend of Veronica with the Conditioned behaviors and language of Marcella.
Craig pointed it out to me, he saw it, he saw how I do that. Im little miss look at the stars and play with ladybugs one minute, and then if scared or provoked, I turn into biker bitch from hell.
She would dress me up like a little harlot, in slutty clothes, and do my hair, and put on gobs of make up, and then when I was only 13 or so, tell me the most horrible sexual tails of her behaviors, and then not only encourage me to go after guys, but to be false and trick them with batting my lashes and swinging my hips and all that trash that goes along with lying to someone about your feeling.
I have probably spent years on the phone with her, listening to her ramble on an on in her horrible talk. When I looked at all the letters I have that she wrote, it was in my face that the language she was using was the one I use sometimes, and when I looked in the mirror and saw myself, I could see how my muscles were holding my bones just so, and I looked like her.
There is so much……
I had a great relationship with a man named Jason and she ruined it, she tried to have sex with him to prove to me that men are jerks and he turned her down, so she verbally started telling me things about how men are and he wont change and he’s just a sleaze and I should break it off.
she under cut my relationship with my husband, going on and on about how he needs a program and sobriety and he needs to get away from us and just word after word after word of hopelessness and uglyness until one day I did get away.
And then when I called her, so happy to be free from the things that were going on with him, and told her I wanted to move to California (not even LA, I just said, CA) she went on for an hour about what a horrible person I was to do that to my kids, how there was no way I could live in ca, how I was so selfish and just garbage and garbage.
I didn’t talk to her for 2 years. She tried desperately, calling and writing and sending presents and having others speak for her. I ignored it all. After sometime, I did try to talk to her, and it was different. I didn’t trust her and I didn’t want to talk to her, but I did it for my dad who is old and dying and I wanted him to feel better bc he was always wanting to know why I didn’t want her in my life.
Yet he was the one I can hear in my head saying Marcella is the worst influence on you, I should have never let her do all that to you and talk to you like that.
When I was 11 she bought me make up and miniskirts, and at 15 when I went to visit her, she took me drinking and drugging and drug running and things I didn’t want to do. I made her take me to the beach but she didn’t want to go, I made her take me to the forest and she hated every minute of it, but she loved taking me out on the streets of la looking like a slut.
Im getting rid of all that stuff. Im not a slut, I don’t dress like a whore when I am being my true self. I don’t wear make up or high heels. I put feathers in my hair that I find on the ground and walk bare foot.
I want to really work hard on getting rid of all the bad traits that I see in myself that I learned from her, and rip them out and stomp them down and not let them grow anywhere else.

Marcella November 3, 1959 11:03 PM born Rochester NY, moved to Los Angles summer June 1977.

when I look at our synastry, and see her moon seemingly pulling away from my sun, and lack of venus aspects, but her pluto dominating my moon/Neptune/Jupiter.....I feel like that kid in hell again, scared to leave my room, and sorry I was even born to make her hate me so.

in alcholics anonmous, she works this program, where you have to make amends to people you harms. for the past 30 years of her sobriety she has called me and told me how it went when she did that step with her long list of people. and every day I alway wondered. when is is going to be my turn. when are you ever going to make ammends to me.
she wont, she die kicking and screaming that I ruined her life by being born and took her father and mother from her or some other sob story.

[SteveS]

Veronica wrote:

Other people influence me way to much. I am overly sensitive and get my feelings hurt easily.

Veronica, this is clearly understood with the main signature for your Natal Chart, Moon partile cnj Neptune. Do you have Ebertin’s book ‘Combination of Stellar Influences?’

[Veronica]

thanks Steve
no I don't have that book.

Im think im past understanding. its more like how do I remove and unimprint all the ugly stuff that seems to be sticking to my soul that isn't mine but is like the slime of a bog that clings to you as you make your way through the swamp.


I blocked her yesterday, after a very uncomfortable conversation, one in which I felt and saw her words for what they really were.....working me, pushing my buttons, knocking me down, building her up. She forced out of me my secret new home by bullying me again and then when I told her, she insulted my ability to care for my kids and do what's best and all that.....sugar coated with her twisted tounge though, and not offereing at all to help in anyway shape or form or say a word of encouragement.

this was what Mr. Eshelman said...….deep distrurb character....hmmmm
Moon Conjunct Neptune (0°56')
Sensitive – often too much! Tunes into others on an emotional (psychic?) level: can be deeply understanding, genuinely sympathetic, but also emotionally (psychically) vulnerable, easily wounded, with abiding fears of rejection. Self-defense through avoidance (non-confrontation) & slamming shut senses & good sense. When wounded, withdraws & introverts (often with excessive rumination, imagination working overtime, worry, moodiness). Drawn to the imaginative, surrealistic, and creative. Genius, if present, coexists with deeply, visibly disturbed character.

[Jim Eshelman]

Yes, you and Michael Jackson

[SteveS]

Yes, Jim offers excellent traits for Moon-Neptune. Ebertin basically says the same with positive and negative manifestations for Moon-Neptune. If you like, I will PM you Ebertin's words on Moon-Neptune which may help you focus on the positive manifestation for Moon-Neptune, and may help reduce the negative manifestations.

[Jim Eshelman]

Yes, Ebertin is particularly good for putting positive vs. negative ideas in front of you in black-and-white (though sometimes his idea of what's positive and what's negative is hilarious).

As an exercise you can extract the same break-down from the core interpretation I offered. Moon-Neptune boils down to one word - SENSITIVE - and it manifests that trait in all the ways you can imagine, good, bad, or indifferent. Focusing on the positive, the quoted interpretation would read:

Sensitive! Tunes into others on an emotional (psychic?) level: can be deeply understanding, genuinely sympathetic. Drawn to the imaginative, surrealistic, and creative. Genius, if present, coexists with deeply, visibly disturbed character.

In case you're wondering why I left that last phrase as a positive... there's no separating. It's the price one pays for unlocking Moon-Neptune's form of genius. That is, it's not routinely a genius aspect, but it can be - if you're willing to pay the cover charge.

[Veronica]

Yes, Jim offers excellent traits for Moon-Neptune. Ebertin basically says the same with positive and negative manifestations for Moon-Neptune. If you like, I will PM you Ebertin's words on Moon-Neptune which may help you focus on the positive manifestation for Moon-Neptune, and may help reduce the negative manifestations.

I would like that very much Steve, thank you for helping.

[Veronica]

Yes, you and Michael Jackson

I think you tried to tell me that once before didnt you.


I hear you this time.

I was actually thinking about a boob job the other day ( to go down) wow.

thanks I will do that excersize for sure....

if you're willing to pay the cover charge.

well sir, Im gonna have to surrender to the fact that if Im not willing then I am stuck in the muck, and would just be deeply distrurbed without the positive, which as I have already been expierrnceing is just Hell and a lie, so I have nothing to loose but what few marbles I have left, which I think would be a good thing. no one plays marbles any more anyway, its a new game on the horizon called Destiney, and my son rocks that game.

[Veronica]

That is, it's not routinely a genius aspect, but it can be - if you're willing to pay the cover charge.

hopefully my close Jupiter can help with that cover charge

[Avshalom Binyamin]

Veronica, I relate to your post a lot.

Neptune is my most angular planet, and I'm very sensitive too.

There's a part of this that translates into being a target for predatory types, because being empathetic and emotional open creates an avenue for them to worm their way into our emotional control panel and start hacking it for their own purposes.

I have a sister, twelve years older than me, who has a lot of these patterns of manipulating others. Predators want to make other people do predatory things so they can feel better about themselves. As a young person, I did unkind things to others under her guidance and encouragement, and as a grown person I've seen myself begin to fall into those patterns on occasion.

I think for a Neptunian person it's vital to use a lot of discretion about what sort of people we surround ourselves with.

Being around people who relate to me in kinder ways or have shown me "unconditional positive regard"--good therapists, or people like Jim and Danica and others, or people with whom I've had good healing (non-triggering) romantic relationships--has made it easier for me to identify healing vs hurtful interpersonal patterns.

Working with my own personal energy--healing chakra blockages and energy holes--has made it easier to shake off the negative stuff, so I don't have to be as fear-based about it. We are complete and perfect and whole, and can experience connection with the divine right now, no matter how damaged our personalities feel.

[Veronica]

Veronica, I relate to your post a lot.

I think for a Neptunian person it's vital to use a lot of discretion about what sort of people we surround ourselves with.

Being around people who relate to me in kinder ways or have shown me "unconditional positive regard"--good therapists, or people like Jim and Danica and others, or people with whom I've had good healing (non-triggering) romantic relationships--has made it easier for me to identify healing vs hurtful interpersonal patterns.

We are complete and perfect and whole, and can experience connection with the divine right now, no matter how damaged our personalities feel.

Hi Av,
I say it a million times, out loud and to myself "your only as good as the people you surround yourself with" which is why I stick to myself and my kids pretty much. Im just to sensitive most of the time, almost like a type of social agoraphobia, it is just so draining.

when I broke up with Eric and started dating Craig, I was inundated with people, he interacts with tons and tons of people and many of them are people I new as a kid in the neighborhood. it was a constant birage of people at his place. reminded me of home when I was in grade school actually. I was to stupid and just happy in love with Craig to see all these people for who they grew up to be, I have this heart that make me wanna think the best about people and hope they are on the up and up and just being friendly, and I see how every single one of them that came pretending to be a friend was a poor afflicted soul there to try to take advantage of Craig. I trusted that if he had these people coming over, that he trusted them, so I was nice to them even though it was so apparent to me they all were false friends to Craig. it made me sick, I think Im still sick for the things that I heard these people boasting about, truly shocking and it broke my heart,

I see that this is about relating, and I know you understand the deep tides that come with those feelings of to much of the wrong stimulation. Frazzeled is not even close.


I realize how a big part of my life had been acted out by this conditioned response I had to act, talk, and react how my older sister would, and that it was at those moments when I made horrible, damaging choices. when I act like how marcy would act, smashing windows, yelling mean things, throwing punches and all that super crazy dram shit that goes down when my automony is threatend and I am scared, I put on airs and loose the ability to make good choices like Veronica would. Veronica is smart and cool and collected, thats my normal. I just sit and watch mostly and Im happy to do it.I dont interferr with other peoples choices and I dont try to influence others will. Marcy will devour you, everyone calls her The Mouth. I dont like it in her, and Im just sick knowing that Ihave that bad habit. But its only a habit whihc is not hard to break so I got that going for me.


I also realized a funny thing about group dynamcis and astrology, beacuse I know Im not the only person in the world going through these phases and like, similiar but differnt, and I thought about how my dysfunctional habit of not being true to my true nature whihc is Veronicas natal chart, and how that has effected others, spreading like a disease almost. I realized for example when I went to the amusment park and was in the kiddie ride area, I felt comfortanble to be myself and chill happily watching the babies play, but when I had to go out into the parking lot filled with what was in my head a pack of hungry hyenas, I had my marcy attitude read to not put up with any cat calls.


there are two type of men who really like me, so to speak. Some guys who like the cutie in the cutoffs and tank top and want to romp and play, they are attracted to my false persona of the bad aff biker bitch and those guys usually have their own major aspect working in thier chart to give them some dynaicm that drives them for power over others.then there are the guys who are authenic to thier own path, they are following there own star and dong thier own thing and have no issues about power and control becasuse they have so many other better things in life to be doing then playing baby games, unless of course they want to play with a baby and thats what they like doing and brings them joy.


Now that I know I have this really bad issue of flipping out and where it comes from, I do think what I said about focusing on my Venus/Sagg qualities as Veronica fully is the healthiest but to do it fully mindful of my Neptunian/Moon Qualites which I think are actually quite strong qualities that enhance Venus, it feels like it does.

[Veronica]

Moon in Scorpio

Built pressure needs explosive release

This is why I love muscle cars. I think my love for cars is really reflected in this statement.

There is nothing touching this earth that demonstrates this better. Maybe a cheeta, but in the age of Aquarius man has built machines (yummy to my Aquarian Sun to try and mechanically understand and engineer) to travel faster then his body can take him.

A muscle car offers maximum potential for release of power. Every single thing about a high performance car is precise to build pressure, from the specific tires you need for different tracks, to the slick formula oils and lubricants, to the size and slant of the cylinders (V8 is at just the perfect angle for maximum power).

I can go on and on about how the muscle cars, with all its power in the right hands it just eats up the road like nothing else, a very powerful sexual metaphor as well. I have trouble controlling this aspect in my chart, because in many ways, I am a high performance vehicle, and I see now that the reason I had trouble controlling this power is that I was in denial about who I am and I espoused patterns of behavior that were conditioned upon my nature by malefic forces.

I am actually afraid of driving a really fast car, because I know I would not be able to properly drive it and end up ruining the cars gears and heads, Im afraid I wouldn’t know when to shift at the right time, or hold the wheel just right so that the tires don’t spin out and tear off the rear end. So many factors are important to drive a high performance car to its max.

that would be like having a child drive a car, they just cant really do it to its best, they may be able to see over the seat, but they can touch the pedals, and such.

[SteveS]

Veronica wrote and quoted:

Moon in Scorpio
Built pressure needs explosive release
This is why I love muscle cars. I think my love for cars is really reflected in this statement.

Well..Speaking from a Moon in Scorpio myself, I sure do remember and yearn for those yesterday years in the back-seat of my 1966 Impala Chevy (which was muscled-up, btw) when I was releasing a-lot of “explosive pressure!”

[Jim Eshelman]

Well..Speaking from a Moon in Scorpio myself, I sure do remember and yearn for those yesterday years in the back-seat of my 1966 Impala Chevy (which was muscled-up, btw) when I was releasing a-lot of “explosive pressure!”

Y'mean like this? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpXci8CXA74

[SteveS]

Jim replied:

Y'mean like this? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpXci8CXA74

Exactly my friend, well put!

[Veronica]

ya know, my older sister had a huge crush on Bob Seager. He really sung to her heart when she needed it most and I was the lucky little girl who had such a cool big sister who had great taste in real music. my mom crushed on Neil Diamond which I enjoyed watching her dance to as a babe.

I had a 71 Dodge Charger with a very small engine in a huge boat of a car, but I pretended. I still don't know how to drive a stick very well to race in. Takes practice and lots of resources, Ive had other things going on.

[SteveS]

[Veronica]

when we moved out of the suburbs to the sticks, my mom and I would have tea in the morning and chat like we always did about our nights dreams and plans for the day. One day we saw a beautiful old Implala pull into the side lot of our neighbors, which was visible from the little greenhouse where we sat. oh my my, well that was a treat. such a beautiful car, the lines on the body were so pretty, and the rims were so shiney, and the VRoom Vroom of the headers.


for many months we got to sit and watch this hunk of a young man, come out and work on his car. He was very handsome and strong. I have no idea what he was doing to that car because it sure looked fine already, and I watched him tool around up and down the street so I knew it drove just fine. he really worked on that car, I don't know why he parked it way over there, when his garage was way on the other side and he would have to drag all his tools and what not over. it would have been so much easier if he parked in the driveway to work on it. he would get all hot and sweaty and then have to take off his shirt, and OMG I thought my mom was gonna have a heart attack. she would laugh at me and say I was being silly, its just a car. She wanted me to go talk to him, she thought he might like to show me his car and take me for a ride, she said guys love to talk about the things they love doing and he would like someone to share his love of his car.


I thought that if he wanted to share his car that he should come and say something to me, since we were neighbors he knew I lived there.

I was shy and insecure but I think he was even more so, I think he was afraid i wouldnt really care about him and was only interested in the car.


the car sat there everyday, but we only looked at when he was working on it. my mom and me having tea dreaming of taking over the world.

[SteveS]

Life is made up of those past memories about certain things (moments).

[Veronica]

in doing my thing I am doing over here, getting in my venus groove and all that, I read that on Venus the sun appears to rise in the West and sets in the East! well I just think that is fantastic and makes a lot of sense, or helps me make things make better sense to me. I also read (which I did know, but never thought of it in an astrology context really) that day on venus is longer then a year. well that is just fantastic info too.

I did a funny little dance for my daughter yesterday when we were talking abot astrology and I was helping her relate to the importance of the wobble of earth, as well as its rotation on its axis and path around the sun. I put my hands over my head like in a little prayer, or belly dance stans, and then I wobbled and rotated and spinned about her room till she was rolling on the floor laughing at me, but she got it. I wish I had just the perfect song to sing that wraps it up.

[Veronica]

So I think something shifted the other day for me, in a good way. Its been a very weird process of how I got to that point, very weird indeed, but for me It seemed to do the trick.
Like all people, I have some issues with myself and my place in the world. I was blessed though at birth with one really strong dynamic, and I know it is strong because I know so many people who don’t have something like this, and their attitude comes off in a very negative way. In looking at my chart pretty much my whole life I always thought one thing or another was more important, my sun in Aquarius seemed pretty awesome for a long time, but then I shifted to more of an I have Gemini rising thing that seemed to push past the constraints I saw in being an Aquarius, then then when Iearnt that I had a moon in sag (based on tropical, hence learnt) I embraced a mooniness and that really didn’t suit me at all.
Then when I “by chance” found Mr. E and he put everything in its place I was like whoa I’m a Scorpio to the max it appears and I sat with that for quiet some time. I do believe that each one of the phases I went through was a very healthy unfolding for me in a crude backyard bonfire kind of way, but still I felt not quiet whole.
The outer planets movements for me I always understood as a thing I shared with people my age, we all had those things in the same place mostly, so it wasn’t from those areas that I ever looked at myself, just how myself was dealing with the events in my life.
Then a few years ago Mr. E tried to explain to me why my Pluto being angular was actually a pretty big piece of my puzzle. Well the romantic in me took that to heart of course and dwelled in that dynamic for quiet a bit trying to get a hold of myself and figure out, because heck, I don’t ever seem to really have my junk all in order. I give the appearance mostly of a successful person but inside I’m like, screaming “ Im A Rockstar dammit, I know I am!!! why is the world not at my feet”
so to speak.
And life spun along and my planets moved here and there and I had all sort of wonderful adventures and terrible challenges and it all just seemed like work most of the time. Still not a happy camper. when your camping, your not working and I wanted to camp but you cant go camping till the work is done.
Pretty much my entire life people have taken it upon them selves to tell me, specifically, painfully, and sometimes for hours on end, that I am wrong, Bad, what I’m thinking is crazy, irrational, irrelevant and not important. Further to be told that my actual character is a tramp. A slut. I had no standards And that I basically was gonna burn in hell and good riddance! So sayeth the masses……
Not Kind. Not true either, more importantly.
Thank goodness for that Pluto Angular, Because I didn’t listen much to them, a little but never really to heart, and that where it matters.
Yet through all that, with men literally in my face screaming at me, I stood my ground and knew that I came from a loving source and well, gosh golly, that source liked me, the real me, regardless how I talked, acted, loved, and F! You too. Bring it on, because I will rise again like a phoenix. Haters hate that the most, but it was just my natural reaction to being so violently exposed by said haters and then torn to shreds.
That’s what I have that other people don’t, that connection to the source (they actually do but they don’t feel it), and in my chart I used to think it was my Aquarius sun, but now since I know that didn’t make me a rock star since, I was still working away, struggling along with my stuff. Trying to get some order to this chaos that was my reality.
I really love chemistry and geology almost as much as I love astrology and astronomy, but that’s because they all really are the same thing. I have know that as well my whole entire life, just like I know that I come from love. Its like hand in hand. Its actually very easy for me to look at a rock and see it is so much more then it appears to be, and I use geology/chemistry as a language a metaphor for information for the life of man, and me specifically. It’s a natural thing for me.
I also think often about how the big stuff going on way out into outer space, the novas and gases and all that space and pressure. Its that pressure that really puts the spin on things, just like in a mans life. Astronomy and galaxy building is just like building a man, or a plant, or a stone and I have a way of knowing that.
Its all about the trust.
I trust that even though I don’t understand all the little tweaks in astrology or chemistry or geology that I have enough of a solid frame work to build upon, and if I really wanted to I could learn all the formulas and what nots and embellish my edifice but I’m just a flake after all so I don’t get into all the details, I just trust my real foundation is strong and let that go to take care of itself. Yet I feel confident that if I met a professional chemist I would be able to talk and relate, or a geologist, or astronomer an astrologer. I can wing it and at least let these other deep thinkers know that there is someone else who grasps what they are doing and thinks its cool, and well, the flakiness ads a bit of charm and lightness to otherwise sober subjects that are very very hard sciences, but if a barely schooled housewife from rural somewhere can dig it, then they got that going for them.
People like that, being able to relate and be related to and I easily see how everything really is related, every single atom and space between. Its natural for me. Which is why people like me, when I am being my authentic self. Which brings me to my next step in my self discovery unfolding.
Still discontent and not getting why my life is so weird. I looked at my chart and million others , because I knew I wasn’t special that there were tons of people with similar things going on and if they were living then I could keep plodding along, even though so many times I have wished to just cash out and say, I give up. I trusted that that is not the answer and would only hurt the people I love. Trod trod trod.
Well life has a way of screaming at you if you haven’t been listening, and I got screamed at this past fall and had a very black moment in which the days afterwards seemed like a surreal nothing, empty and dead, I was just going through the motions of life, not feeling anything. I had held my grown son in my arms and he cried and cried because it was heartbreaking to him that people don’t see me in a good way and want to hurt me, and control me and all that, and when they came for me, he was helpless to stop me from getting hurt.
Im head over heels in love with a man who has a different world then me, and it just broke my heart that I could not mesh our two worlds together, it just wouldn’t stick. He has his things and I have mine and they are opposite in a lot of ways, and I had been the flexible one to keep things going. Yet this incident shook my core so bad I could no longer be flexible to his world, and thought I invited to bring him into my world with my kin, his nature and conditioning and circumstances wouldn’t let that happen.
I felt an emptiness like I had never felt before, and for once in my life I did feel completely disconnected from my source, and it had been replaced (?) or overwritten by this mans influence on me, and now that he was gone, it was a pain of a cold hard tight bound nature that seemed to not grow so much as compress tighter and tighter in the pit of my soul.
After months of feeling horrible I decided I had to stop just wasting away to nothing, I was emaciated in all ways and full of bad habits that I had embraced as a way to fit into his world, things that are not natural to me like drinking and staying up all night and watching tv and go go going all the time and being surrounded by people all the time never getting a chance to be alone unless I fought for it.
This is all my Pluto stuff that had been transiting my Venus, which it had been pretty much the entire relationship, right from the start. Funny how watching my Pluto transiting through my chart from birth to now really put a huge perspective on the totality of my life and the events that were going on as it moved, first past my Uranus, then later trough my Moon/Neptune/Jupiter and then with it going by mars shortly after, and then being pulled lusciously towards my hearts desire Venus.
Which is why Craig is the love of my life, he came when my Pluto walked on by the lovely one and then bam, here we are. I can see why Mr. Eshelman said that he wasn’t sure he would have encouraged me, he knew the hell I went trough with Eric and knew Im a Unicorn after all, and that trip can be a rough one. It was. I think I moved past it a bit more this week.
It brought me to a culmination in my life where I needed to reassess and think about where am I really going and who I really am.
It blew my mind that Craig thought I was having sex with his business associates. It blew my mind that he would think I could say the words of love I said, and act as lovingly as I did to him, genuinely from my soul I poured out my heart and he didn’t believe me…..but then to be so false as to flush it away for men who live with their parents at 45 type. It didn’t make sense, and if there is one thing I hate is an unsolved mystery. Which is why I think I still had that cold stone dead feeling in my gut. That pain was so real and acute, the pain of not being with the one you saw as the most perfect match. I even tried to fool myself and just pretend that he was dead and I was a widow, but that isn’t truth and it didn’t take away that cold empty feeling. I could fake it for a minute when I had to make dinner, but I was a mess on my own.
Trod trod trod through more much, I got worse news that some sort of Transiting Neptune on my natal Mars was going on and really should be addressed. I was like What! Who cares about that, I have a broken heart I have to fix, I’m dying over here!!! Kick kick kick!!! but I knew in my heart I should think about things to come and to be as healthy as I could so I can finish raising my children. Looking into that did not make me feel any better or any more hopeful. Especially when you hear the authority say “thats my least favorite transit.”
That really got my goat! Because dang nab it, I’m not a quitter and I know I’m a Rockstar at heart I just hadn’t found my song to sing yet. So I went back and thought about when things had really sucked in the past, and what I had done to pull myself out of it. I looked into my Venus, my heart, my desires and love because that for me has always been my saving grace. That knowing that I am loved, no matter what, no matter how bad of choices I make, I’m still loved.
I looked into my heart and torn it to pieces, every scrap of love I looked at and thought about and reflected on and considered. It was a very hard thing to do, but I knew that I needed to do it. In this process, I examined my Venus in Sagittarius nature and thought about the feminine qualities that Venus elicits, yet I knew that the supreme feminine is the Moon aspects. So I started to wonder about my moon, something I hadn’t done very well in the past.
My moon isn’t very comfortable where she is, in Scorpio. It makes her squirmy and sometimes knee jerk reactions. (or a stone threw glass). Its can be a very dark place for a lovely moon to have to chill out, but that what I have, I feel and see things that seem to me no one else sees and understands, it very much alienates me from the humanity that my Aquarian sun loves.
My moon also though has some side action, which Steve told me was my dominate trait and that is my moon is partial conjunct Neptune. I knew this yet I had always struggled with the blending of things. this time I realized though I was looking through blinders at myself. So I sat and looked at the list of traits and dissected each word to its PIE core and all that, and did affirmations on the good stuff, but had in the back of my mind this one Moon/Neptune thing that I just didn’t want to talk about.
I am a very visually disturbing character.
I did not like hearing that one little bit.
What girl would. I am girl after all. Ooch.
Visually Disturbing.

But I am. When I am not bound by social constraints and I am free to be me, I don’t dress well, I have crazy hair, I hate shoes, I like boots though, I have no sense of time so I wear things horribly outdated, it’s a mess if I am just me. I put ribbons and glitter and feathers in my hair, and wear clothes made for little kids because I can and they are fun, I don’t like makeup unless Im playing dress up, and I love bracelets and bells.
That me. That’s what I would do if I had the freedom. My moony/Neptune is packaged in a body that already draws attention because I look all girl, very feminine, curvy and moundy and yup yup that me, and its all good and well for me to dress as I please in my home….it can be quiet unsettling for people, so I try to tame it down. Which is inherently wrong I feel. I think I should be able to wear what I please and not worry about it in any way, but society is what it is.
I am very sensitive about all that. Sensitive to everything really. I think I have more nerves in my body then anyone on the planet at times. I get into sensory overload very easily if I don’t take care. I wasn’t able to take care of that very well at Craigs, and I lost all control, because the feelings that his Neptune drew out of me were so strong and overpowering that it was akin to death. He gave me a feeling of being so safe and well cared for that it was too much, its hard to explain, but my normal senses of what is right and wrong for me as a soul were overridden in a very real way, by a desire to get back to that point of bliss, again and again, and I was always prevented by the chaos of his life to keep us spinning in love, so to speak.
Loosing all control of my senses with him like that was one of scariest thing I have ever felt.
The scariest thing though that I have ever felt, was dying under the cold dark ocean sinking slowly to the bottom and succumbing to the pressures of gravity. I have a very real fear of open water, even though the shore is my favorite place. If I can see land, im ok, I can swim. If I cant see land and I don’t know where it is…..thats not cool and my mind as a child had horrible dreams of the deep dark sea killing me.
I stopped dreaming when I was with Craig. It was a very strange thing to me. Not even little blips of things, almost no dreams at all, when I used to have several every night. I had told him about my bad dreams, and he always wished me sweet dreams, for years now, every night before bed because he knew I wasn’t joking. When we first started dating he wanted to go on a cruise and I think he saw the face of death on me because I know that’s where my mind went. I didn’t know him well enough to risk that. Nope. He bought a boat and took me on the canal and let me drive and it was the best, but going out to sea well…….. I did have one terrible dream with Craig in which he died and I had to go to his funeral where everyone hated me.
So on top of being Visually Disturbed, I got some mental disturbances like super bad dreams and seeing weird things in this world, and now I’m pretty concerned because the cards seem stacked against me, but I know they aren’t, I just have to finish sorting it all out.
Before being visually disturbed was the word genius, and I did like that word quiet a bit. so I thought about how to bring this to a good ending because it seemed like I was heading down the route of bitter old spinster TrashCan Annie with a hundred stray cats, which is not me at all, Im not bitter and angry by nature. My Venus is in Sagittarius, I like to play an have fun and laugh and joke and explore and make light and good stuff with my heart.
One of the things that I think is Vital to astrology is looking at the origins of the words that are used to describe things, because each word is actually layers and layer of information about your character. The words can just be read superficially, and they fit, but better yet when you can take the word back to its origins and look at the much more singular point, it really is a beacon of understanding yourself. It lights up whole new ways of seeing your particular issue at hand.
Long story short I still wasn’t finally happy with my moon/Neptune concept of self and identity and getting on with the show, which is me being a Rockstar gosh darn it, and getting me out of this funk I feel I am in. I felt like there was something more still to peel back. I thought about my poor little girl and her weird momma and how she didn’t care that I put feathers in my hair when I found them on the ground and she liked me singing the hokey pokey and she embraced me as I was full heartedly.
I remembered her birth and how I prayed to the moon to get to me to the hospital on time, and how I should have remembered the moons pull and been better prepared, the moon was so strong and I could feel it pulling hard. It made me wonder if her being born with such a strong moon, regardless of what sign it was in, had a strong influence on her character and outlook. I knew it must in some way. How could it not, her whole birth would have been completely different if the moon was new, my body feels/responds to those tides.
Which is when I thought to ask the question about moon phase and birth because google didn’t help and I knew my books didn’t talk about it, and I knew Mr. Eshelman would understand what I was trying to ask and I wouldn’t feel like a dork, to much. He explained about what phase my moon was in and then said my moon would be Capricornish under some calculations he had considered interesting at one time.
I like interesting things and thought about how one would superimpose a Capricorn trait over what I already had. Capricorn is a sign I worry about, my mercury is there and it makes me Swear, a lot sometimes. I also understand the complexity and duality of the sign though and wondered about that and my issue of becoming crazy and feeling dead inside over Craig and being alone and turning into what Elvis Costello sings about in the song with my name. Did not like that prospect.
I like who I am though, the fun happy exuberant kind and adventurous me, the one society seem to not like women to be. The pressure to conform was overbearing. I felt like I couldn’t be my true self at Craigs house. For sure I am not putting on that type of show for his friends, I just do not have the comfort zone to sing and dance and twirl, and the oopps five guys walk around the corner and get a glimpse of my panties and there goes that fun, and in Craigs world, mans world, that not cool having others thinking about your woman. Major power and control issues, which I tried to be the flexible one about, but I was naïve and simple and in love.
In my heart I know Craig loves that about me, almost all men love that about me, the youthful playful squirmy happy thing that I am inclined to be, albeit I have a depth of me that makes me think in a world most people think of as fantasy. I talk to animals and stones and watch nature and climb trees and think about fairres and trolls and magic and rainbows and glitter on top. I don’t want to hide that under checkbooks and toothbrushes and socks that match which is not real, and not what’s important about being alive.
Something shifted just right and I was able to really dig some depths into what the pressures of the world and challenges are all about and how they form you and transform you and transmute you and all that good stuff.
I cant make Craigs world bigger for him. He has his line and its up to him to push past that when he is able too. When I saw the Unicorn the other day, and knew I was a Unicorn in my own way in a very real way the pressure that that been building up inside of me, by my moon/neptuneness and Neptune transiting and Pluto sliding away from Venus a bit more, I thought of how the best stories start out.
Once!
Bam then it splits into something more, and it felt like the cold hard stone in my gut burst apart like a star being born, it couldn’t take the rejection and pain anymore and just turned into a Unicorn.
Around the Unicorn there is a phrase that speak of a green line and the universe defined and I had always just thought of that as Venus and the unicorn in the heart, but when I thought more it made me see that the line was how man itself defines his world. In craigs world I was bound and tight and restricted and through the process of the Neptunian influence I was able to be ok with the fact that I have very very very large boundaries and depths that most people are not capable of maintaining, that they are comfortable with the lines they have drawn for themselves and it is not my job to understand why their world is so seemingly small or tight or what ever, just like its not their job to understand how mine can be as vast as an ever turning Toroidal sphere birthing new stars each breath you take, and collapsing upon others in a never ending bang bang. I can feel that and its real to me and important and Im done feeling hurt about all that kind of stuff.
I saw down the way that Puto is going to be moving in on mecury and I got to wonder about all that and what that could be like.
I think its better for me to be a silly happy unicorn, whose pretty smart and flexible and kind and a little too self confident for her own good sometimes, then a cold sad bitter spinster. They are both visually disturbing, but I see them as two sides of the same coin really. I just like the glitter
If a person doesn't like me for the real me, Im ok with that, but Im not going to try anymore to make people like something that isn't the real me.

[Veronica]

This morning I had an event happen at my house that really helped me see all the accomplishments I had achieved. It was a very simple thing really, but it demonstrated to me that I had in fact done what I set out to do with my children and my home. I went to bring my dogs out around 8pm after I had showered, and in front of my front door was a very new, very spiffy motorized mountain bike. I squeaked out the door and shifted it to the side, very excitedly because at first I thought it was a surprise gift from some loving god giving me the coolest toy to play with, I was enthralled by the little 2 stroke motor and the gears and it was an awesome bike.
Then I noticed it was locked with a chain, so I knew it wasn’t for me, but it wasn’t any of my sons friends bikes that I had ever seen, so I was perplexed. I turned to let the dogs out and saw on the bookcase outside my front door, a very nice back pack. That’s when it started pouring with rain, which we had needed for a very long time and I was very happy about that, and thinking about the wet smell dogs get, and lots of Neptunian things intermixed with how blue diamonds are made.
I looked inside the bag which weighed 5 pounds at least, and found it full of Snacks!! All sorts of goodies and yummy things to eat. I looked inside the other compartment and found a “Dream Pillow Pouch” with very pretty leather dangles and lovely beads nicely stitched around it, next to a pack of condoms! Lol. I searched on into the next and last compartment and found a nice bunch of sockets and plyers and then I found I beautiful 5” x7” cross decorated with roses with the encryption “ With God all things are Possible”, still had no clue who this bag might belong too I looked deeper and found a branch that I at first thought was going to be a stalk of weed, but it turned out to be beautiful purple speedwell flowers, so I was slightly disappointed for myself (JK) and was touched that who ever had this bag, stopped on his way to pick pretty flowers, they were still fresh.
At last I found the clue to whose bag it was, and I should have known from the beginning if I had paused to really eliminate suspects. I found I cute little bible and inside, the pages were highlighted and dogeared, the inscription said “to Mason, Love Grandpa”
Well I just about had a heartattack.
Why on Earth was my Little buddy Mason leaving a bag with his soul and his brand new bike on my front steps! I panicked and remembered the first time I met Mason, when he was four years old and in prekindergarten with his very very young mother. He wore a mans brown leather jacket and his hair was dirty and messy. I had volunteered in the kindergarten class twice a week, helping teach the children the letters and words, working one on one with each kids through out the year. Mason and I developed a very intimate bond where he told me that the vest, that he wore EverySingleDay had been his fathers, who left when he was still in diapers. He lived with his grandparents and he had a lot of trouble with letters and reading at first.
I thought the worst of course, thinking the poor lad had had another breakdown or outburst or challenge like his life always seemed to toss at him and believed he had run away and left his stuff, I couldn’t think of any good reason why he would have left all this here on my front porch. But the bike was locked so I reassured myself that he must be planning on coming back and not walking off in the wild for ever, like he seems the sort to do considering his home life. I was so worried for him.
That’s when it came to me and I realized that I had done what I had set out to do, with my kids and my little world that I created here at my homestead. I had made the place of my childhood dreams come true. I built a home for sure, but I had also built something different, which had been my intention all along. I had taken the wonderful home that my mom created and kicked it up a notch. I had loved how my mother took care of all the neighborhood kids and welcomed them into her home and let them sit at her kitchen table and be kids. My mom was a warm loving presence that people felt comfortable and safe around, yet smart witty and encouraging. We had the best times in her kitchen, singing and dancing and telling stories and laughing and playing all sorts of games.
What I had wanted to create that was different from my home was a place where negative actions and words were not happening. I grew up in a physically violent home, with very heavy criminal activities going on by the males, from my grandfather down to my brothers and nephews even. I wanted a kind loving home where people felt free to be themselves and not have to worry that the shoe might drop at any unpredictable moment.
Mason left his bike and his soul bag because he knew it was safe her at my home.
It always blew my mind how the most respected people in my little town, the local police, the family farmer, the church leaders, the elected officials, the college professors would comfortably leave there kids with me to care for them. That is something that my mom never got to have and enjoy, she was isolated and controlled by my dad and never delt with the neighbors or neighborhood until much later in her life and only then very limited. I on the other hand had worked hard my whole life in very well respected positions and volunteered my time to things I believed in and practiced my own way of living in balance and harmony with my surroundings that worked beautifully for me. These people sought me out to take care of their unique child, and each child that I did have over here was very unique and all have turned into beautiful kind loving people, like Mason with his bible and dream pillow.
I saw how this progression in my life played out in my stars, I have a placement that has the slow moving, very powerful but low and subtle planets creeping past very important aspects in my natal chart, with Jupiter Neptune Uranus and Pluto each moving by my Mars and Venus positions for quiet a large part of my life, which I see as my drives and desires for my goals. It was a very long slow hard climb and I didn’t really understand at the time what I was undertaking or even how I was going to be able to achieve it.
I am so glad that I have all these misfit kids in my life. Each one of them is so special in there own way, and society really has it against them, and I created a place where they can come and be normal and goofy kids and have funa dn not have to worry about the bad things for a while, and they know if things get bad my door is always open and I have lots of ramen noodles and pickles.
I felt like such a silly thing when Mason came to collect his bike and I went out and told him I was worried. He got a little twinkle in his eye and a smile and said “why would you be worried about me? I had to go to summer school so I can graduate next year.” He didn’t want his bike vandalized at the school across the street so he parked it here, he had knocked but I was in the shower and the kids were still sleeping…..
He was wearing a bright purple polo shirt, with his long dreadlocks covered by an ancient ed Hardy hat, and had purple string and tiny purple braids decorating his hair. He stopped wearing the Vest a few years ago, it wasn’t his style once its size fit him.
My son told me that he plans on getting his own place this time next year. That really was music to my ears, considering that my brothers had to be thrown out or removed by the police. He feels he is able to take on the world, hes not afraid or worried or insecure in the least about his ability to live in this world and deal with what ever comes his way. That’s the best news a mother can get. I did the dishes, is the second.

I think of this song a lot. My daughter was a huge fan and we watched this show a lot. The premise of Hannah Montana was a girl who lived an alter ego life and how she had to keep the two world apart. We all look at people and form an image in our mind of them and make judgments based on looks and speech and actions, yet there is always for each of us, so much more depth to that image then what just meets the eye. This song to me really sums up the motion of planets, especially in my chart, climbing around and moving around a chart, climbing along. The imagery also is strikingly metaphoric of those slow moving planets symbology.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG2zyeVRcbs

[Veronica]

Today the moon is aspecting my chart in many ways and the sun is to a degree as well.
I had a beautiful dream with mother and flying around having a great time listening to music in a veryy homey feeling establishment that she brought me too.
My energy level has been pretty low, which for me is hard because I usually am so active but I have felt that lessening these past few days and have been able to do some of my athletic drives like yoga and bike riding. Its been very challenging for my moral to feel so lazy and not workout which is something I love to do.
Today has turned out very energizing, I even indulged in a cup of coffee with my sister and then rode my bike to the town park to see the car show that was here in my village. It felt great to ride my bike and the car show was really awsome. I voted for a killer 2011 camaro that was hazmat green and pimped out with the most incredible "Zombie Apocalypse" theme throughout the whole vechicle. Complete of course with a zombie driver and numerous bloody body parts for accents. I felt comfortable on my bike zipping around stopping at certain really hot cars to take a closer look.
When I got home I was led to believe that the rascle that stole my money had possibly swiped my sons phone, to which I first walked to the home of the boy to confront the nana and get the story but she wasnt there. My daughter and I drove to the place where the youngsters swim in the creek to seek out the boys and were told the boys had just walked over to the car show. I confronted to boy at the show, directly calling him out and demanding he give up the phone which he swore up and down he did not take. I continued to express my feelings towards him and drilled him pretty hard about my money and the hunk of junk POScar he bought and told him he will be giving me the title and I will be selling it and I am having it towed to my brothers and he will get it all tight for me to sell. He told me he had $300 dollars for me and that yes he is giving me the car. I made him pinkie promise on the spot in front of the whole car show.
So yea about that!!

I found my air mattress and I plan on laying outside and watching the shower. So thats gonna be great because the sky is completely clear.
Its been a good feeling day today which I needed.

[Veronica]

So, my Sun is Squaring my Neptune which is a challenging aspect for me.
My sun is in Aquarius and Neptune is in Scorpio. I feel like I understand how that has worked in my life so far, is as much as my self image and the image others see in me.
The qualities that the Aquarian nature brings out in the sun mixed in with the Scorpionic natures in my Neptune are very obvious to *me* and from what I can tell are demonstrated in my "reputation" that the people in my peer circle demonstrate towards me (to my face or behind my back). when I was thinking of all this I wished I had understood this better much earlier in life, especially as a child in school because it would have been very helpful to me in numerous way.

it got me to thinking about this like, what about those people in my peer group whom my Neptune is squaring, either up in aquarius (which I don't recall knowing anyone in my schools with a birth date near mine, most were all summer babies) or down in leo…...I might know some of those people, but I would think that I would not have been friends with them, they may have been those people that I was turned off of, naturally, is the cheerleader or gymnast who *was* rich and popular and good at sports, or the football player/jocks who I also had deep rooted feelings about "who they were".


I think that Neptune squaring suns is an important social structure, or at least a very formidible one in relationships and in a school setting can be a strong indicator of potential major issues, espicially for the sun people. I reflected on what that aspect would mean on a larger communial scale. I was very much a trend setter in my little town during a certain period, with people slightly above and below my age group. I went back in time in my mind and thought about when I was forced to be around tons of people whoes neptunes were squaring my sun, and how I hated it and how i couldnt wait to leave that behind, and sometimes I tried to, by running away and moving out as a juinior and just not talking to anyone from school after I graduated.
it was such a relief to not have to be around that, to be caught up in that tide whihc was overbearing for my allready over sensistive nature. I did not want to be who most all of these people thought I was. the boys thought the worst and many acted horribly to me based on this false idea of me, the lies felt think as pea soup and I dint want to be around people who didnt care to get to know the real me and just held on to this static dynamic of a false dream they had for me in thier head.

and then it hit me like a ton of bricks, becuase the memories I was recalling are the same issues my own daughter is having in spades. She too has her sun (in Libra) square her neptune (Capricorn)!


the apple doesnt fall far from the tree Craig told me once, when I had to go pick up my daughter at 2am bc she was out walking around town and some pervert whipped out his junk and the police had her.

so today I am going to try to see what I can think about what it would be like to have a sun in libra squaring neptune in capricorn, whihc obviously is alien to my own nature so it will be subjective to my own filters of course.

sooooooo.......I just told her she is not allowed to date anyone close in her age and she smiled and said, yea I know.

this is what I cal my song to her, and I sing it all the time to her. She is so beautiful:)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJO3ROT-A4E

[Veronica]

when I went to the ephemeris on astro.com and selected 10 year, sidereal Fagan/Bradley and looked at my birthdate, I see the degrees for my planets are not what I have listed in my chart generated from there.....I realize that it is not time specific but it seems like some of the degrees are off by quite a bit and I don't know why or if I am doing something wrong? also I know houses aren't much, but I had been set up using placidius, is that the common system Sidreal uses, if they are to be drawn at all?

T2/18
94913 sidereal time
4°20'37 sun ( I had 5 degrees
28°27moon
21°30mercury
19°28 venus
21°54 mars
ect.....

[Jim Eshelman]

when I went to the ephemeris on astro.com and selected 10 year, sidereal Fagan/Bradley and looked at my birthdate, I see the degrees for my planets are not what I have listed in my chart generated from there.....I realize that it is not time specific but it seems like some of the degrees are off by quite a bit and I don't know why or if I am doing something wrong? also I know houses aren't much, but I had been set up using placidius, is that the common system Sidreal uses, if they are to be drawn at all?

T2/18
94913 sidereal time
4°20'37 sun ( I had 5 degrees
28°27moon
21°30mercury
19°28 venus
21°54 mars
ect.....

Siderealists standardly use Campanus, not Placidus, for house cusps, but that wouldn't affect your planetary longitudes. The planets above are markes as Tropical ("TZ"), which is confusing, because they are all just a little earlier than your Sidereal planets (as would be true if they came out of an ephemeris).

Here are your Sidereal planet positions, plus how far each travelled the day you were born:

CHART POINTS
Mon 07°Sc44'20'' +12°44'
Sun 05°Aq04'52'' +01°00'
Mer 22°Cp42'01'' +01°38'
Ven 20°Sg18'04'' +01°08'
Mar 22°Sc20'38'' +37'14''
Jup 10°Sc29'29'' +05'46''
Sat 22°Ar18'55'' +03'28''
Ura 18°Vi46'55'' R -01'37''
Nep 08°Sc40'10'' +00'30'
Plu 04°Vi46'29'' R -01'21''
Asc 05°Ge20'21'' +332°05'
MC 09°Aq24'58'' +381°17'
EP 13°Ta07'21'' +340°20'

[Jupiter Sets at Dawn]

An ephemeris is a listing of the planetary positions at 0:00 Universal Time, which is the same as the Sidereal Time shown (in this case, 9:49:13) NOT at your birth time (Sidereal Time 22:22:07) Some ephemeredes, especially old ones, show the time at 12:00 UT which is noon in Greenwich England. You interpolate between Midnight on your birthdate and Midnight on the day after in order to get the correct degrees for each planet. We used to do that by hand, before hand-held calculators were invented. Casting a chart took about an hour, not including checking your math.

The Campanus system is an attempt to divide the Prime Vertical rather than the Ecliptic or the Equator, so it is the preferred system for Siderealists.

Does that "T2/18" you have in your post mean 02-18, meaning your birth date?

[Veronica]

aha! Gotcha, thank you both for clarifying that for me. Does that have anything to do with the reason why when I look at a chart for my birthday in 1972, 1973, 1974 ect ect…… it says that my sun is at 4 degrees Aquarius? I am actually thinking that the reason it says 4degrees has to do with the actual wobble and elipitcal path, which would then sort of explain to me what an actual Progressed chart is? the progressed chart of my sun would then be when the sun is right back at 5 degree +/- my minutes where I started?


yes, the 2 I added when I copied and pasted from the pdf.

[Jupiter Sets at Dawn]

Yeah, probably. But...

Geeze, Kiddo. Don't look at a chart for your birthday. You should be looking at a chart for the Sun returning to the place it was when you were born. 05 Aqu 04:52. I suspect you're just looking at a list of planetary positions at Midnight or Noon on the date of your birthday. That chart has nothing to do with you. Use astro.com and get your actual Solar Return. The Big Deal is the aspects of the moon and what's angular. You can't get that off some random chart that happens to be cast on your birthday.

[Veronica]

See, thats what I thought!! Lol....

I had wanted to watch the outer planets move throught my chart from birth to look at major events that had happened and to see exactly how much or little they trod around. I had started at a month past my bday and then did a few months after that and then a few after that and realized Id be at it all night, so I went year to year.....which was when I saw outa the corner of my eye the sun was at 4 degrees on the Date which got me thinking about what a solar return and progressed chart must be....the actual time when the sun is right back where it started and how I shoulda thrown 2 parties, one for the date on my birth registration and one for me and my mom when I really arrived.

[Veronica]

“a really literary soul”………etymology of literature comes from to let, or slacken…..
“you struck me as one who others can really talk to. And not only that, you're full of sweet and dreamy stories too, aren't you Ms. Veronica? This is why everyone on the forum loves you, whether they say it or not.”

……and when I think about what is really being said in this statement, the “before thought” all I can do is cry a moment and then wipe away the tears and smile.

And that, my friend, is why people love me.
My dear dear friends here know better then the rest of the world that they do not need to tell me that they love me,
even if I have an aspect in my chart that says “needs love openly declared”

it is very challenging at times to be the sort of person that strangers will tell you their life story and all their “sins” and look at you for forgiveness and understanding. It is not at all challenging to give that forgiveness or understanding, but it is challenging to show them how to give that to themselves.
Each person who has told me their deepest darkest fears and all the “evil” things they have done do so out of a need they have to be free from the rock they have bound themselves to, and found it eating away at them. They look at me, and know that I can find the words and heart to unbind them and bring balance and love and motivation to go on.

My chart shows that and while I don’t always do that with as much Grace as I could, I know where Hope is to be found. I just tell them to turn on Pandora and listen to the sound of the spheres dancing through space.

When I was a child I pushed my parents buttons, as a teen I tested the schools, as an adult I challenged the law, but never ever did anything that I wasn’t fully capable of dealing with my punishment for what they perceived as a crime.
Im built to endure and regenerate anything. Even lost hope. my sweet sweet stories are just one way I hide away my subtle gifts.

[Veronica]

I am a double hub (is that where Huba huba comes from?) and was reading the thread here about that

http://solunars.com/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=36#p169

and this statement was one that I am having a bit of an issue with.

"Double Hubs, when under pressure or distraught, need to be (and can be) led like a child - about the only condition in which they can be."

this is not strictly referring to dynamic aspects like squares is it? (ie my hub Aquarius sun squaring my hub Scorpio moon/Neptune/Jupiter)?

those are sorts of pressures/distresses, in a way, yet I think that is just the superficial layer though of what this statement is really getting at.

I do have an extremely childish/childlike personality which gives a naivety which puts other people in a Parental position of sort with me.
the three romantic relationships that I have had, are with rim suns, and Craig himself was a double rim so I can see why we got along so beautifully most all of the time. Rims are the doers, like a parent and in a family dynamic the family revolves around the child, at the times when the child has a need (or at least in hypothetical healthy families that happens).

I know that this is an extremely important statement for me, and I do feel a very deep inner longing at times, for someone to step into that parental role and lead the way and release the overbearing sense of pressure that I do feel most all of the time.

it almost feels like a contradiction though, because the other quailites listed for hubs seem to indicate a stronger more mature developement, one that would almost resent being treated like a child (I do feel that way when people whom I dont think have my best interst or sufficent ability try trat me like a child).

im sensing that it is something along the lines of, when i finally am ablout to break my high tolerence for frustration and, succumbing to the pressures I am feeling (real or imaginary) and snap and go off the deep end and act undignified, it is akin to my hub (whihc is my center that keeps me going round) getting stuck in some mud and I need something light and fresh and new (childlike) to get me going again.

hence I pretend Im a unicorn to cheer myself up and make my self feel better so i can get moving again.

I told Craig once, that when i am starting to loose control and get upset, he should pick me up, toss me down and tickle me and kiss me and tell me that he loves me anyways, whihc is a terribly childish thing to do in the middle of an arguement, but it was what I thought would help me not go all Scorpio Moon mean on him, which was not a healthy thing to do. (and it would have reinforced my inner need to not guess about being loved and my need to have it openly and repeatedly and firmly declared)

I was looking for clarifaction or an elaboration on what was meant by pressure and distraught, beacuse so many things in life can be viewed as pressuring or distressing, and I would have to specualte that it would have to have a very subjective meaning that over the course of a life would fluctuate. I dont want to break any more windows or noses, and I am trying to think of creative ways in which I will be able to tell when certain things are going to be coming (ie holiday dinner with my extended family in my new home) that might cause me to feel my frustration level reaching its end and to plan to have some silly putty or crayons in my backpack to break out with so I dont hurt peoples feelings with my sometimes crass and abruput mannerisms of behaviors that I had in the past that did not serve me well.

[Veronica]

so yesterday it looked to me as if in my progressed chart that P. Mars and wider pluto was Conjunct my natal Venus.

while in my transits T. Venus was conjunct my Uranus



yesterday really sucked most all of the afternoon, with me fighting and struggling with the families of the children who stole my money.


at about 5:30 I approached the father of the one boy, at his home, whilst he was putting brand new Fat Boy pimp rims on one of his many playtoys, and asked him to make good on the messages and texts that his wife had sent me, offering to pay me.......


and well......I dint break his window, but I sure wanted to. I tried to be nice, but when he tried to put it on me, i told him I have the messages and texts from his wife, he treid to take my phone from me, and well.....I wasnt very nice after that. I went there with good intentions, and tried to be calm and peaceful and, well he basically said I was a liar, and all that.....and then as he is putting on his tires that cost more then my whole car....told me he didnt have any money.....


so that sucks, and I will not get the title for the car, to sell and recoup my loss, for probably 6 weeks bc the original owner messed up the paper work from DMV.


Im tired of going to bed everynight on a cold hard stone.

[Veronica]

3.Powers of endurance, application, and concentration seemingly exhaustless. [Not sure this is the point.]

I will say that for me, yes those three characteristics are seemingly exhaustless. I can go on and on about how I have expressed those traits through out my life, and how others have commented on my strength in those departments.

Yet for me, it is not my center, it is not my point, it is not where the proverbial axle meets my hub and generates my spirit. Its close, but for me my power train, my posse rear end is driven by one single point and it is brought out into the light with this statement of character.

10. Strongly attuned to the relevance of everything, thus able to maintain a high spirit-titre (Jourard). Probably reason for longevity found here.

If I had to pick one of those listed traits for hubs, I would put that one at the top of my list. Because If I wasn’t attuned to the relevance of everything, Id break down, I wouldn’t be able to go. All the force that the engine and transmission generate would just be a bunch of noise and pollution and waste of space. But its when you hook that engine and tranny up to an axil and link it, then the tires can hit the pavement and leave a bad aff swish mark from the starting line.

The hub knows that with out the never ending source of power, nothing matters. I know that Love is the source of all power. Love is the golden stuff of life.
In a car, for maximum performance you can do all sorts of engine work and modified gears and reinforce the chassis and put the best liquids in it. but heaven forbid if you torque your axle, it will never ride right again.
This car that the boy bought with my stolen money, is a modified race car thing, but they didn’t follow through, what is the sense of putting on a boss air filter, if you don’t upgrade your spark plugs and ignition switch. And why bother putting in a 5 speed transmission if you are not upgrading all the gears and tighting up the linkage.
And why one earth would they drop the suspension down lower then a corvette to drive around the broken down streets of this town, they are going hit a pot hole and rip of the muffler.

[Jim Eshelman]

Good feedback, thanks.

And, yes, I do think that idiocy is the only self-punishing crime in the universe.

[Veronica]

Good feedback, thanks.

And, yes, I do think that idiocy is the only self-punishing crime in the universe.

you are very welcome!

thats a mouthful sir.....now let me go to etymology.com and look up every single word, like I do.

I am prone for that myself, but it serves me well sometimes to be happy with idiodic glitter in my hair, even if people stare.

[Veronica]

so, after that yucky day....and feeling sick to my stomach all day yesterday (I always feel sick after I et so angry) about that nasty interaction with that boys father.....

tada…..
today we had
Transiting sun widely conjunct my Progressed moon
T. Jupiter trine my P. Venus
T. venus square my P. Mars (.33) woohoo!
T. Moon square my P. Mercury (.36) woohoo!!
T. Venus opposite my P. Sun (.54) woo Hoo!!!

I didn't have to beg, borrow, or steal, or do anything sleezy at all....and I even had my cash stolen from me, and all that.....and I now have in my back pocket, the keys to unlock the most wonderful of all new adventures!!!!!!

moving on up.
how the universe lined up to place me there......its amazing, breathtaking actually.
I think I may even go buy a cheap bottle of my favorite Wild Irish Rose and have a toast.
proably not, but I will pretend.

[Veronica]

Even though I love to watch the night sky, I am not really a night owl. it is not something that I can do on a day in day out thing, stay up all night and then sleep late through the morning, or stay up late and then try to function on 3-5 hours of sleep. I just physically cannot do it, for long anyways. it burns me out, eventually. that is when I snap, often, because of poor sleep.

I am curious if there is any indication in a chart that determines this?
my birth time of 12:41pm is right after noon, which leads me to think this may be an indicator of my best time to shine, the apex of my own day.
my moon is in Scorpio, which would seem like a sleepy place, ....Neptune as well in Scorpio seems to be a place of needing rest.

I don't have the exact birthtimes for my three relationships so I cant really say anything about their chart and what makes them all stay up till the break of day, instead of being in bed with me. It would hurt me so much that all three would sit up, alone watching tv, all night and then in the morning when I would get up at 7-8 and want to "have coffee" and then go have fun, they wouldn't get the ball rolling for hours and then the day was almost over for me.


I don't recall reading anything here about it (nightowlism or Morning people) and the only thing I ever do recall reading is more akin to if a persons planets are mostly under the horizon things then to go on more in the darker, subconscious level.

I came to the realization that one of the main reason that my 3 relationships failed, was because I am an early riser, greeting the day happily after a nice long sleep......and my 3 partners all were night owls, for one reason or another staying up late almost every single night.

my lack of solid sleep, and a routine sleeping pattern is, IMO the leading issue with my relationship with Craig. I had to rise early to take care of my kids ect and he was his own boss so could work all night and sleep in. it was the biggest relationship stressor I have ever expierenced, more so then lies or "cheating", becuase lies and cheating are a superficial indicator of soemthing underneath, and can actually be seen as a trait and then compensated for. (ie my mars/mercury trait is seen by me and I take that into consideration before I act on that feeling when it arises)

and the stress for me of not getting propper rest and rejuvenation quite litterally did me in.

I need my sleep, I have no problem going to bed at 7pm on a saturday night if Im tired.
I love to dream, most night I have the most interesting dreams and that is a huge part of who I am.

I know that one of the things that I desire more then anything is to go to sleep with my loved one. it really is, just that simple thing, going to bed and getting up at the same time, or relatively close, that is something that deep down I feel I need, or at least need to feel it most all of the time.

I hated waking up and being worried about some late night adventure gone wrong that nightowls seem to be drawn too.
it seems though that men are biologically programed to have a need to stay up. the ancients would have night watch for a reason.

[Jupiter Sets at Dawn]

I know plenty of people born at all hours of the day and night, and I haven't seen any correlation between birth time or gender and night owls or robins. The only thing I have noticed is some robins think being a night owl is some kind of moral failing, which manner of thinking I consider a moral failing.

If you would like to look at the stars and don't want to (or are incapable of) staying up late, go to bed earlier, and get up earlier. Have you ever tried taking a nap? No more than a half hour or you will be groggy.

I can tell you for sure insisting on staying up with somebody who isn't ready for bed when you are, or insisting on their going to bed when you want to is a fast path downhill to disaster. Don't do that. Men try to do that to women all the time. Those are the men whose widows book an early AM funeral and are on their way to Boca by lunchtime.

[Veronica]

Thanks for the feedback. It was helpful to hear. Living with Eric working the night shift was one of the worst periods of my life and he did try to force his schedule on the rest of us and Id wake up afraid of what he might have done in the night. With Craig, I really just enjoyed his company so much that I pushed it on myself, trying to burn the candle at both ends. With J I was still so young that it didnt bother me, until he started sneaking out to go to the strip club, which ecomonically made me mad bc I was pretty much supporting him.

It would make sence though that natal charts would be all over the place and it would more be an environment al and subject condition. I just know for me I love to sleep and need good solid rest while otbers seem to coast on4-5.

[Jim Eshelman]

I long thought (and still lean in that direction) that we each have our own individual peak time of day matching the time of day we were born. I remain skeptical of this because there have been vast armies of academic sleep researchers over the years and this seems like something they would have looked into and, as far as I know, such a finding has never been reported. Nonetheless, it matches many observation over the decades.

However, this is easily modified by necessity. The social and business cycle of the world overwrites it to a great extent (sleep when the rest of the world sleeps, work when the rest of the world works). It's always possible that my own "stay up late" is just Virgo's nervous night owl tendency, but in my youth and post-youth it was always easier for me to stay up until close to the 4 AM when I was born, and really hit my stride for the day after 8 PM, often after 11 PM. It's just that my job conditions have gradually walked that back so that, regardless what I might most naturally want, I now usually have my alarm set for 5:30 AM. (I still usually stay up until midnight, sometimes later.)

Avshalom Binyamin, are you listening? Now, there's a double Virgo with night-leaning life activities, but born mid-day, so his personal feedback would be interesting to hear. (Steve's a Virgo born mid-morning who seems to have no better sense or rhythm of when one should sleep than I do.)

[mikestar13]

I know plenty of people born at all hours of the day and night, and I haven't seen any correlation between birth time or gender and night owls or robins. The only thing I have noticed is some robins think being a night owl is some kind of moral failing, which manner of thinking I consider a moral failing.
...

There must be exceptions, but I have't found the opposite to be the case: I've never known a night owl who thinks robins are moral failures. I've noticed a similar thing with extroverts vs. introverts. Some extroverts think introversion is a pathology, but no introvert that I know thinks extroversion is a pathology. Is there any astrological reason for this?

[Jim Eshelman]

They both make sense as simple human reasons. There are cultural biases being upheld.

I doubt there's an astrological reason but, if there is, I'd suspect it's something like: The robins that think night owls are moral failures are Saturnian. The extroverts who think introverts are moral failures or Jupiterian.

[Veronica]

I know plenty of people born at all hours of the day and night, and I haven't seen any correlation between birth time or gender and night owls or robins. The only thing I have noticed is some robins think being a night owl is some kind of moral failing, which manner of thinking I consider a moral failing.
...

There must be exceptions, but I have't found the opposite to be the case: I've never known a night owl who thinks robins are moral failures. I've noticed a similar thing with extroverts vs. introverts. Some extroverts think introversion is a pathology, but no introvert that I know thinks extroversion is a pathology. Is there any astrological reason for this?

I was thinking the same things Mike, as I too have run into Robins who bad mouth Owls and extroverts who bad mouth introverts (even going so far as to say they are mentally ill).
I have run into many night owls and introverts who conversly think that something is wrong with *them*, often asking me for advice on how to change, or do things differently. for the night owls who talk about staying up, I can sometimes hear in thier language that they are conflicted between what seems natural for them and how society sees them, as well as for some of them, a nature desire to get into their natural rythem of life (ie my nephew who really is a morning guy, but got put on night shift and is having trouble adjusting).

for me, most of the time I do like to rise and shine, and I do think that has somethng to do with my heavy Scorpio nature, which being a very military like sign, seems to make sence. Army men rise early and the best battles are fought when your foe is still sleeping off the night. I also think a lot of the patterns we have today, are fundamentally linked to our not so distant ancestors, who did need a night watch to keep the wolves and bears in check, whihc over time seems to have transmuted into having to watch so your home isnt robbed. I also think that the womans biological need to care for her family promtps her to get up early, get the days water and meals going and have few quiet moments to herself before the demands of the day kick in and she is awhirl with the busyiness of the day and cant catch her breath till its time to fall down at the end of supper.

when that woman came last fall and hurt me, for months after I couldnt sleep through the night, I found myself sitting up like a sentry gaurd, so afraid that she would come back and burn my house down or pop my tires, and I know that there was some biological trigger that was going on inside of me (adrenline?). I also know that when I have interactions with Eric and I think he is going to drink and pop pills and show up at 2am, that I cant sleep and sit watching. Very much like an armed gaurd, so I am attributing this to my mars Scorpio for the most part, as well as the most primal survival instinct ( I have caught him in the yard, so it wasnt fancy thinking).

my daughter used to have a very bad sleep disorder, that I actually was looking at her chart a while back about (actually think I may have seen it as a transit and hope it has passed). for many many months when she was 6-7 years old she had what is called "night terrors" which was basically her, dead asleep, but physically screaming, calling for me, trashing around and sleep walking. It was a horrible for for me, to have her screaming and calling out for me to help her, while I am right there holding her and shes not waking up. To this day, I am afraid to leave her alone at night out of fear that what ever she was seeing would come back (and she was seeing things, she would point to things, or push at nothing like something was infront of her). many in my family sleep walk and talk, and I have woken myself up talking in my self in my sleep. In sabrinas case I think it may have something to do with repressed memories of the abusse she witnessed as a baby of eric abusing Kaylin in the dead of night.

my two children as infants were vastly different in sleep patterns, which Jupiter At Dawn was getting at when she said "Dont Do That..."
my daughter as an infant slept through the night most all the time, and if she did wake up, she was content on her own for the most part. I would hear her wake up, and start playing with this little star toy with a mirror I had for her, she would kick it and it would make a beautiful tinkle tinkle noise and pretty lights, and she would be content.
My son, if he awoke, never soothed himself like that. He would scream bloody murder till I went and got him, and even if eric got him, he screamed for me. It was so bad that I alwasy ended up taking him to bed with me, becasue he did not want to be in his crib and he did not want to be alone. He slept in my bed for years. He started out every night in his bed, but would always wake me up and end up with me, whihc with eric never in bed but passed out on the couch didnt matter to me at the time.

eric would deliberately do things to get me up, to make me stay up....playing death metal and practing guitar at 3am, cooking all the food in the house in one night so the kitchen was a disaster "if you had been up cooking for me, i wouldnt have made a mess" just so much noise and activity, and doing everything to wake everybody up and force us to sit and listen to his sob stories.....sucked. Just like a little baby, awake int he night and wanting his momma.


I think for me, being a double hub, I grind so hard during the waking time that I am physically exhausted after 10-14 hours of being up, and my body just shuts off. my brother used to call me cinderella, in that I can be wide awake at 11:55pm, but at 12 midnight, I am in a deep coma, my shut off switch just flips.


I do take naps sometimes Jupiter Sets at Dawn, if I have something I want to stay up for, like the meteor shower last week, I will force myself to lay down for about half an hour around 4-5, so that Im good for that nights activities, and I do enjoy sleeping in on the weekends and try to sleep in saturday mornings so I can stay up later saturday night easily. not that i have anything going on, but I always hope for the best.

[Veronica]

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_ ... %2As%2As-R

This video makes me think of those neptunian dreams and how to build a foundation

[FlorencedeZ.]

This is truly beautiful and so very authentic.
With heartfelt thanks to you Veronica, I really admire your journey through life.
Flo

[Veronica]

Im happy you liked it.
Thank you for taking the time to share your feelings.
It means the world to me.