Veronica

[Jim Eshelman]

The story isn't so much about the loss as about the nomadic culture that has gained a solid foothold in the last 20 years - people who live nomadically permanently. And spectacularly well done. It won best picture at this year's Academy Awards (and best director, and Frances as best actress).

You can watch the trailer her: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt9770150/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1
(Or surely on YouTube.)

[Veronica]

yea, so that trailer had me sobbing at about 5 seconds in.
I knew I would so I didnt watch it yesterday I had serious work to do.

I finished packing and redistributing most all of everything. My landlord took it upon himself to remove the twin bed I had in my backyard. I had arranged for the sectional, dining table, washer, porch swing and my bed to get get removed next week. funny, because I had asked them if they would help me dispose of it months ago. I like having a bed outside outside on to lounge on and look at the stars. I had my lawyer make note of my feelings about being robbed one last chance to lay on my bed at my place and do my thing....

most all my stuff has been reduced to about a dozen 30 gallon totes boxes. including my books. I brought several hundred metaphysical/ occult/ science/arts to our local Psychic store owned by a good friend on mine. I know she will sell them to people who are seeking, I've brought her lots of books precovid and she always paid me great. I hope selling the books helps her keep her doors open. covid really hurt her too.

it's hard looking at about 2' x 6' x 3' worth of space and knowing that it is a strange conglomeration of things that I have emotional attachments or favor in someway. if I put it in a time capcil and some stranger somewhere came across it, what would they think of this Veronica person and why did she have all these things.

a few weeks ago my sister and brother were talking about the time my parents drove us across the country. It was so wonderful to be able to do that. we met a man at the first stop who was a nomad, and we ran into him several times by chance over our 6 weeks. he never said good by, but I'll see you down the road.

I boxed up all my stuff knowing that I might not ever unpack them, as much as I love them all. but this is now the 5th time I've had to move, and I just dont want to have to do it again. I dread moving and getting a job and unpacking and getting settled just to have it all come crashing down again. I'm old and tired and it isn't working and I'm afraid I'll break something seriously if I keep trying. it just feels insane to me and I want to buy a really nice pair of shoes for my family and just walk away and go explore.

[Jim Eshelman]

50 isn't old.

That's not just me being nice. That's me looking back from later than 50

[Veronica]

doing this....is old

looking at the housing market right now, I see in every city and town across the nation. INSANE prices.
even if I had two jobs and both kids working the rent is at least 2I. includes nothing and no guarantees you wont be evicted.....
mobil home prices are insane as well. found out one company has 5000 parks nationwide. 1k a month for 850 square feet.

and soon the eviction process will be open and thousands of people are going to be houseless too.
campsite and parking is also extremely pricey these days, and your only allowed a few weeks stay at a time.

boy oh boy Pluto in Capricorn is going to be a real earth shaker in so many ways.

[Veronica]

In trying to see my options and choices and make the best move, I heard my daughter crying. Her boyfriend has been seeing other girls, or something... was all I could make out of her hysterics.

it dawned on me that it's about time for her solar year mop up and getting things going for her new solar year.. so I looked at her SSR for the fall, and she has an Angular moon Uranus conjunction and venus on her Pluto and my poor heart just broke for her and I felt ashamed that I had not really appreciated where she was in her life and the issues that she is addressing, much better then I ever did actually.

I would really like to get that SSR Pluto and Mars Sun off the angle, but I'm pretty sure its gonna hurt no matter where, and maybe if we can get through it as a hard aspect now, when it comes around again she will have been making new and better choices and have different habits so that it will express as a more conscious empowering time.

[Veronica]

You know what I had been watching that got my wanderlust going was a movie called The Aeronaughts, a wonderful telling of how meteorology got started via hot air balloon. highly recommend.

I woke up yesterday hearing Karen's voice remind me that all that is in the material/physical comes from the astral first, and that I will have plenty of time to go and do and see......

It occurred to me that I have trouble understanding the word progress. the optimistic me hears Prog ress....implying moving forward in the best way. yet in charts we pro gross them, attaching no moral good or bad, it's just going forward from where you are.

when it was asked how I would interpret the Pres. incoming demi lunar venus mars conjunction, I said to myself that it would be the best to have him and his wife have a beautiful interaction .....that would be the best expression, great Prog ress. but people dont usually strive for Prog ress, they just pro gross along the same worn paths they are familiar with.
like a habit or an addiction, where there is no conscious choice, no freedom or liberty just chained to the same ol same ol way of doing things.
joe and Jill most likely have never enacted the sacred marriage, so why would this conjunction be any different. he will play party with that aspect as he has done every year of his life.

I also had the thought yesterday that the influence of Neptune seems constrained to bodies of water, or at least constrained in our human psyche. lving in the woods now for 3 years has acutely shown me that forests, woods, and jungles though seemingly earthy are an extension of Neptune.

After thinking about what Jupiter had said about never moving people she liked under Neptune line ( which did stab my heart for a second, as I was born with an Angular Neptune and I thought she was saying the universe didnt like me ) I thought about how humanity doesnt belong living in the woods, how its dangerous and yucky and wet and rotting all around all the time.

So I am going to be looking for a place not in the woods where all my belongings get moldy and bugs and so my children can be around things that are Progressing upwards.

[Veronica]

yea!!
I was just hired at a very great pay grade to help pack up and move The Wallace Library at RIT!!

It's a temporary job, but it is going to be so much fun!! It is the rare book collection and fine arts and I am Stoked!

I have another interview today at the YMCA for child care which I am equally excited about!

I also have an appointment to look at a house in the city today near the UofR campus, which looks like a horribly poor neighborhood, but I'm not worried about that as Karen always lived in the poorest neighborhoods and I grew up spending my weekends in the city with her.

so today is a jamming happy tunes and singing loudly day!!!

[Veronica]

I have never enjoyed shopping much, I enjoy the companionship sometimes with certain people but as a whole I dread it, and the more money the thing is the more I dont like it.

I realized it's because that is the moment I come face to face with the fact that I dont see things as they really are, that what I think is going on in my head is true, and that I am being taken advantage of and deceived.

I'm shopping for a home a car a permanent full time job and I'm looking at the market and it doesnt seem real to me that things cost what they cost and people get paid what their paid.

its overwhelming and it's hard not to have those feelings of being led on seep into other aspects of my life and make me question if I'm being lied to and led on their as well.

so shopping is very self confrontational for me.

but I've lived through lots of crazy markets and I'm sure things will turn ok.

[Jim Eshelman]

Congrats on the job!

[Veronica]

Thank you.

I am very happy about both positions.
Very happy to have a job to write in on my home applications......landlords kinda like to see you have a job.

I'm going to make the landlord go through the legal eviction process and have him prove his cause to the judge. I worked long and hard to provide a private safe and loving home for my kids, my dog, my parrot, my plants and my books and I do not appreciate my landlord's disregard and disrespect to our lives.
If they really have to sell this place due to covid as they say then they can easily show that through all their business and property records. They own two houses in Naples, one in Myrtle Beach and one in Mexico I think it was ....not including this house, the pet resort, and the place next door with 3 rental units in it.

I unpacked my paints and paper and glitter and worked on a few crafts the other day. The nice thing about having a mostly empty house is it's easier to clean and OMG the acoustics are unbelievable. Been singing loud to this great " Dolly Parton" radio station I found that plays all my favorite country rock songs from the 60 70 and 80s. and.....your not gonna believe this.....I taught Loki how to do the Time Warp. well...he picked it up...I just modeled it, over and over....and yesterday he really strutted his stuff better then me!!

Eric abused and hurt Loki, so bad he plucked out all his feathers and became scared and biting and it has taken me from 2013 to build a safe place for him. He looks so beautiful with his feathers and I will be danged if I'm gonna mess up his itty bitty world and toss his into stress just because some rich people need more money.

[Veronica]

Yesterday I received several messages from my landlord in regards to them wanting to do a final walk through of my home and get me out. I left her a message telling her that I had not found a new home and that I actually have 90 days.......
and so she blew up my phone and left nasty messages calling me ugly and saying how I dont want this to get ugly and that she will be be involving the authorities.....
so I did what legal counsel said to do and called the cops. (who reiterated the law to me and assured me they will not be tossing me to the curb). The police also advised me not to talk to them but to have a written account of my interactions........

This is what I sent.....


I'm very sorry and I am not being ugly. My lawyer, the police themselves and my father who owns a Landlord eviction services company as well as being a landlord and friends with judges and Marshall's have explained the legal process you must go through and that as a tenent for 3 years we are entitled to 90 days.
I'm sorry this inconvenience your life. The authorities would be more then happy to explain the process of eviction. We are doing all we can to relocate as soon as possible. I appreciate you renting to us in our time of need and I am sorry that you are in such financial troubles. The world is an inhuman and cold place right now and it must be very scary not being able to meet your needs. I pray that turns around quickly for you. Thank you again.

Not sure if they will be showing up at noon like she threatened....

anyway, it really dug at me her tossing around the word Ugly as much as she did. It's one of those words that have really hurt me in the past, as a child and teen so many peers called me ugly, my nose is fat, my eyes are to big, my hair is stringy, my skin pasty, too skinny....
It made me wonder if she had a Scorpio Sun, as she seemed to know that word was a trigger. A Scorpio moon would know, but wouldn't say it outloud, we may know how to hurt someone deeply but understand that we are all one and to hurt someone else only hurts us in the long run.

I sat with her words for a while and chewed them up and spat them out.

My life is beautiful. every single moment of my life has been drenched in beauty. sometimes I was to close to see it, but the truth is that I live a beautiful loving wonderful life, and nothing, not one thing will ever make it not beautiful. All the events and times in my life that were challenging and torturous and painful and seemingly Ugly were beautiful things and I would not be in the glorious position and mindset I am in if it were not for those trials. ugly is unbalanced, unsymetrical unnatural...lack of symmetry.

Thank you all for playing your part in my beautiful life, you have helped me beyond words just by your presence and holding space for me and including me. I will not allow bullies to call me and all that I love ugly. I make good choices and I enhance and appreciate my world and I am blessed to be alive and to be free and to have a pure heart a strong mind and a clear conscious.

[Jupiter Sets at Dawn]

Ugly is as ugly does. If they show up CALL THE COPS and let the cops explain it to them. Don't you engage.

[Veronica]

Ugly is as ugly does. If they show up CALL THE COPS and let the cops explain it to them. Don't you engage.

oh but,
I'm so much better when I am engaged!!!
I love engaging.
I engaged my day as I always do on Sundays, I clean and cook and sing and dance and paint joyfully.
I painted a pretty tree and a sunrise and danced with my bird.
Today I really got to see what I have heard so much about my whole life but never understood till now.
I saw a flex.

The landlord never touched my door, nor my property but for almost 3 hours now has been circulating around the house outside with at least 3 different tractors 2 mowers weed wacker ect ect. who would have thought that he had all those power tools.

But like I said he hasn't touched my door and since he let the dogs out at 6am today instead of 8 (literally worst thing living next a kennel) I think he is getting tired and needs a nap.

I will call the cops in a heart beat because I dont want to go to jail. As I heard all the flexing power going off outside it really made my Scorpio Moon rise and all that singing and dancing and happiness made me laugh at myself and wonder if people are just trying to get me to flex back.
which is why I will call the cops always, I'm pretty strong and if I flex back I tend to overdue things a tad.

[Jupiter Sets at Dawn]

What would happen if you got one of those ultrasonic whistles and played tunes on it late at night? Anything? Probably not.

[Veronica]

I dont know.
Do you mean a dog whistle?
That sounds like it would bother the bats and bugs.
The kennel dogs will bark at anything anytime.
The Landlord doesnt live hear though if you were thinking of me being loud back at him. About an hour South they said.
Anyways I figure He will run out of steam in a day or so with silly " yard work" all done and no apparent purpose to be here. It doesnt bother me, and I have no problem ignoring it and not taking it personally.

He put up a for sale by owner sign with no number.
I wonder if he thinks people will just knocking on the door. I would love to give any potential buyer a behind the scene preview and give em the skivvy on living in the woods by a business and dog kennel at that. I will be sure to show them the giant salamander that lives in cellar that can eat the mice who lived here first.

[Veronica]

Bought a car Friday.

found out today that I got screwed again.

sitting with that reoccurring experience brought me a new thought about myself.

I am glad some people hate me and how I live and what I do. I am so happy that their are people in the world who are aggressively trying to beat me down and say I am c rap.

I am the product of at least two full blown addicts and alcoholics who didnt care about anything but their own fix. my habits I learned from them everything I do is clouded with addiction and deprevation and ugliness.
No matter how hard I work sometimes, what I was taught to do is addictive and unhealthy behaviors.

I mean...
really
if I turned out to be successful at the end of my life, that would seem to imply that raising babies around drunks and drugged is an ok thing to do because.....well look at the end she was successful........burp.

I did not want kids because I knew I was a {bonk} up and I knew what my parents did was wrong and I knew from looking at myself that I had engrained into me actions and reactions that were out of my conscious control.
it was biology at 30 that drove me to reproduce.

I hate knowing that their kids out there living like I did.

[Veronica]

I forgot to mention that when I was trying to get the car inspected yesterday the landlords texted that they will need access to the whole house 1pm on Thursday to show a realtor and to please not have the dog there.

I responded that I would be happy to have the dog elsewhere. Which is the truth because the poor pup is crazy and I dont want him more stressed.

I am so freaking excited!!

I cant wait to see their face when they walk in, fearing the worst and seeing how beautiful and well kept I have kept things, thier things, and how little work they will need to do.

I signed a contract to return it as given within reason and I most certainly have kept my side. 15 minutes a day keeping things tidy and wiped down and swept up is not a lot of time at once, but it has saved me in the long run.

I had an incident with Orion drinking in the house one day and not meeting obligations (picking up his sister from work) and when I went in his room I thought he was dead. He was white as a ghost and cold as a stone and completely unresponsive for what felt like eternity.
That's the one thing I do not want and have worked hard for is to have my space where I am completely free from being around a drunk. My kids know that, I have been very clear with the no alcohol around me, preferably none ever anywhere but none in my space.
Once Orion was roused and slurred loudly and nasty about needing sleep I dumped his huge yucky garbage can all over him and let him stew in it.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph what crazy stories that I tell!
He wont be drinking anymore, the tables have definitely turned in his behavior.

[Veronica]

Well, I didnt see their reaction to my home.

I remembered yesterday just how many times (and why!)
I have had to open my home up for inspection to people who in some capacity held some sort of supposed jurisdiction over me. It's happened to me so much that I might believe that it must be normal, that most if not all people have been through it. Yet I think I'm wrong. I think if most people had to go through through xray vision that the world would be a very different place.

I see that I missed my Lunar Return on monday, but I most definitely felt the highs and lows and opposites of venus to my Pluto, and when I looked at the return for the first time today I saw how the chart completely and perfectly expressed the feelings I had and validated them as true.

I didnt see their faces because I couldnt care less, I dotted all my i's and crossed my t's.....and my home looked just as good as when I got it...and I am still living in it. I let the dog take me for a pull around the trails until he pooped himself out and then we walked nice and slow home.

I took pictures, pretending I was a realtor snapping shots to list because I had this feeling in my gut that the landlords were expecting it to look dilapidated and destroyed and would try to say something stupid in court like....we had a quarter million deal but because of her we lost out and she owes us compensation for that. or some other lazy get rich idea. I mean, if they had really wanted to cash in on the market then he would have had all that yard work done ages ago, I asked him to do it when I moved in.
I was really grateful that I had done all that work for Craig, with his Venus Pluto he has hawk like eyes for details I knew to just start at the top and go down, over every inch and that way nothing is overlooked or neglected.

Glad that's over.
I got my dream job at the YMCA confirmed this morning with an excellent background check and wonderful references. Steve, I wanted to thank you for encouraging me in child care and saying how the parents can give great references. That piqued my mind because yea, the parents can but really that's not a good reference at all. The parents aren't there, they really have no idea, unfortunately and can give accolades to someone they dont know could be abusing thier child but the child is afraid to say......I know of that situation in someone's life...sad to say.
I asked two of my most loved " babysat kids" who I watched grow up to become most notable adults pursuing thier unique passions if they would be my reference. They are the ones who would know if I plunked them in front of TV and talked on the phone, or if we played Miami Vice vs Young Guns till the parents came home. And yes, I made that game up but feel free to give it a whirl.

[SteveS]

V wrote:

Steve, I wanted to thank you for encouraging me in child care and saying how the parents can give great references.

As long as the children like you, you will always receive good references.

[Veronica]

V wrote:

Steve, I wanted to thank you for encouraging me in child care and saying how the parents can give great references.

As long as the children like you, you will always receive good references.

I suppose that's true.
I wasnt thinking of references when I was working.
I actually never think about getting references. I dont care about references.
That's not why I work, I'm not building a portfolio or trying to climb any ladder in which its who you know name dropping stuff.
I was just being me, playing and caring for kiddos who couldnt care for themselves.

It was nice to talk to them, I haven't talked to them in ages it seems.

I was working on painting over a picture I had tried to make of a flaming fiery wheel. I didnt like it, the spokes were too much and the rim to faint and the center wasnt even centered or circular. It was in my art book and that is my collection of time I spend singing and dancing and feeling in love and remembering how wonderful it feels to have memories of Craig being loving and silly and light and understanding to me. It's the most beautiful thing in the whole world to me because it's all the best of the best of our time together.
The wheel came about when I was in a mood about something wrong and a misperception of reality I had about my confusion about Craigs feelings about me. I fight so hard against this feeling that deep down he really hates me and that he is only being nice because he doesnt want me going crazy.
and I hate that doubt in me.
and I tell myself, that I cant do anything about his feelings, he feels what he feels But that I feel like I can do anything because I love him, and that he makes me smile inside and feel better then I ever knew possible.
And as I was thinking about time and painting over this ugly retarded looking wheel, I was amazed at how I loved Craig more today then I did before, and just how can that be possible because I swear I felt like my heart was overflowing before with love for him, and we haven't be kissy kissy or romantic at all in years, just some sort of strange unique friendship.
And that's when the wheel of love broke in my mind and I saw how love and time is like a spiral, a spiral galaxy filled with stars and growing and growing and growing.

It was nice to get those references, but it meant everything to me to be able to ask Craig. I am so proud of him and all that he is and all that he is yet to be. I may always get a good reference from others but that's not what is important in the world, having people to love and be loved by is. The YMCA maybe a dream job, but if Craig wants a house painted, That's real and not a dream, and he is a real man who does amazing things with his time, and he is very very very kind to me, even though I can act like a retard at times.

[SteveS]

V wrote:

I was just being me, playing and caring for kiddos who couldnt care for themselves.

As long as you like/love your work everything will take care of itself.

[Veronica]

V wrote:

I was just being me, playing and caring for kiddos who couldnt care for themselves.

As long as you like/love your work everything will take care of itself.

oh I do love my work, the things I was made especially to do like no one else.

My dream as a child was just to be happy, and be aloud to be me, Free to be.

I loved playing Charlie's Angel's with my friend as a child.
I was Kelly, the smart one. I love playing PI.

I was notified that my LinkedIn account had been accessed last weekend so I checked out who it was. I never use that account but had to create it years ago (2014) when I was on social services as part of a job training requirement.
It was a SUI Agent from Utica Insurance named "Shawn T" ( red flagged no last name given) who is highly trained fraud investigator and PI. How strange too that he looks almost exactly like a younger version of my landlord who surprise surprise lives near Utica.

Do you know what I really love to do with kiddos, it's the very best game and has deep psychological meaning as well, teaches kids that even if you dont see me...I'm right here...I love playing peek a boo with kids.

If that's my landlords son who is using his rank to try and dig up Skellingtons on me so they can try to take advantage he is going to be sad as I have nothing to hide or be ashamed or guilty of. But, it would seem on their part that if I called the CEO of Utica and told him that I am bringing legal action against his company because his employee is using his position in the company to run unauthorized background checks on me.....as I could...well I doubt my landlords want to hire an attorney to get them outta that slime.

We do have great Moons that play peekaboo with sunlight nicely

[Jupiter Sets at Dawn]

If all he did was access the information you publically posted on your Linked In account, then he didn't do anything actionable. He just looked you up. It's not "unauthorized" because that's what Linked in is for. Ignore it.
Remember you want to look like the sane one.

[Veronica]

Yup I got that, and I wasnt planning on doing or saying anything.

Got a feeling that's not all he did, but like I said my record is fine and I have nothing to hide.
kinda insane of them from my perspective, but maybe my text talking about police lawyers and Marshall's got them wondering just who in the daisies did they rent too. I took screen shots of everything in case and will just pass all the info on to my lawyer on Monday.

[Veronica]

No, I'm not remembering anyone, ever telling me or saying that I want to look like the sane one.

I remember Be Honest Be True
I remember hearing that a person cant help what they look like, that the Creator made each and who are we to judge how a person looks.
If I am living my life in accordance to my divine unfolding, how ever objectionable that may be to others, then I dont care how I look, and honestly when I am restricted and out of harmony with my own unfolding, and entangled into others that is when I question and doubt how I look to others.

this situation itself is insane, them tossing out a great tenant like they are and I have every right to be acting insane because they are trying to save themselves but bury me.

[Veronica]

Wanted to share that on Tuesday I received a text from my landlord saying his situation had changed and that if I wanted to stay till the end of the year he could make that happen.
weird times....

I have a really great Lunar Opposition coming on Sunday,
and I am happy that I dont have to go to court.
Started my contract job on Tuesday as well working with a fantastic crew of young ladies, getting to peer at beautiful old books and art work and helping make way for a wonderful new library for the students to come.
I'm not going to bother unpacking much, dont see the sense in that, but I will shift things about this weekend and make productive use of the Mercury Mars energy that's in the air, not getting cloudy in my world, gonna spend some time hanging with my children and just keep doing the momma thing that I love being.

We may be moving my father into an assisted living home via the VA, so who knows I may move into my old home after all. There are some legal things and accounting my sister is taking care of but it might be happening. it would be great to be back in Scottsville where all my kids friends live.

[SteveS]

[Veronica]

I just realized that if a high clearance PI *was* investigating me that all my legal and court and school and medical records could be searched.

what a heart breaking job. I would be sobbing my soul out for the lass.

as I was thinking of this research project I reflected how life is a nebulous lie, in which it seems one way but it's not, exclusively.

I have been trying to work a 12 step program in some form since I was first introduced to one as a preteen in the 1980s in a program for high risk children called AlaTeen.

Astrology is my higher power and I have always known that the truth is written or recorded in them even if we are not able to understand thier language.

Growing up in a home of addicts puts you on trial, automatically, regardless, relentlessly. Day in and day out. The crisis that is conjured in the mind has depths.

I learned last night about a nebulous cloud in space that is made out of alcohol. Imagine that, it was colored a pretty purple and pink and blue, very Maxfield Parish looking cloud of floating alcohol enough to keep everyone drunk for a million years, so the scientists say.
Nature is amazing.

[Veronica]

I realized today that every single, single mother is lying straight in my eye when they say that things are good, in any form of the word.
every single time.
I know for a fact they are, and I know why.
It is not good to have to raise a child alone, every single thing falls on you and things are always falling.
It sucks, it's hard, it's never ending, its lonely and scary and cold.

but

what they, and we and I mean when I'm asked hows things is that....it is so much better then it was, living with an adult who behaves worse then the kids and hurts instead of helps, who never had thier needs met as a child so they act like one all the time.

I received a letter Wenesday from Eric via my sister. It was a standard 4th step in the Alcoholism program (Orion n Sabrina's letters seemed almost word for word) with him saying he is sober and sorry and if he could do anything.....

if he can do anything? I wanted to call him and him to buy my freaking house back so that Orion and Sabrina would always have a home. All that bs. all that court. all his moms ugliness at me and his Girlfriends torments.

But I'm not going to. I want nothing ever to do with him again. I couldnt care less.

but it made me realize that I had been lying to myself and I'm not ok, that things are horrible and I'm not going to lie about how horrible it is raising kids alone, even though it's better then raising them saturated
in an addiction fueled home.

I know I am not alone in this and I will not let bullies call me names and tell me how others have it worse, and what a bitch, and I shouldn't complain, that I'm playing victim and as much to blame if not more so....and all the rhetoric that has been levied against women who wont let drunks and addicts and have there way with them.

[Veronica]

How odd that just now things all fell together so that I remembered being in my teens during the time my brother made friends with a boy who insidiously weaseled into our home and tortured me and set me up.

I try to forget that my father wouldn't hear my complaints.

I block that ugly time and dont want to talk about it. The boys family is very mean.

That's why I moved out in my senior year. everyone thought it was something else, lots of other things, but it was always because I hated be spied on and jerked off to in my own home. I was blessed to have a friend who believed me and let me move in.

[Veronica]

Im looking at my progressed chart right now and noting Neptunes retrograde influence on my life.

I would really like to go to rehab and learn better coping skills and have some space and time to detox and stop poisoning myself and everything around me. I feel like the opposite of King Midas, Medusa and that feels terrible.

[Jim Eshelman]

Suggestion: Al-Anon meetings.

[Jim Eshelman]

Also, rewatch Rebel Without Cause. James Dean was a Capricorn-Libra, and his character surely was having Uranus transits to natal Mars.

[Veronica]

Suggestion: Al-Anon meetings.

they are only on line in my area, I keep checking.
I cant do zoom meetings on my phone I tried.
I read the books and mottos.

I've come to believe though, especially as I read more zoology, that I have every right to go full blown AA meetings. Can you believe I have actually been denied to be present at some meetings because I didnt drink enough?
But my life is unmanageable. I try to not smoke or have caffeine or glucose, but I just cant distract myself away from them anymore.
honestly I dont think it's just me, it feels like a huge part of our culture has been fueled by fermentation, instead of respiration and it has brought destructive build ups and a lack of vitality.

but thank you for the suggestion, I do love going to meetings sometimes depending......

[Jim Eshelman]

"Fueled by fermentation" is quite an interesting phrase and pretty close to the truth. The last few thousands of years of cultural advancement and human progress has been inseparably tied to the history of wine. (One mind-blowing example of the scope of this impact: The printing press was a minor adaptation from a wine-press!)

I see wine as the life-blood of all human progress. In the sense that progress comes from evolution, we can't miss that wine is responsible for more human reproduction than perhaps any other contributor outside of human biology. It has propelled science, gently inebriated enlightenment and inspiration, been at the foundation of art and awakening vision. Also, in most parts of the world it is consumed both routinely and without the destructive expressions that you've run into.

Yes, I think the whole unfolding of our species and its culture has been fueled by fermentation.

On the other hand, some people can't handle it. Or their lives, resting on disturbed and flailing psychological states, become even more unstable when dosed with a chemical that softens or removes inhibitions, dissolving any forced, struggling veneer of constraint they've wrapped around their impulsive, pained and paining psyches. Or their bodies have a biochemical imbalance that makes alcohol a poison to them.

It's not an easy topic sometimes.

[Veronica]

I do try to get pretty close to the truth about things..


Itss not just human culture though.I agree with all you say.
I think galaxies ferment too.

Our living cells get energy from respiration because we live in an oxygen rich environment, but they also can get energy from fermentation. yup, deep inside us our cells can ferment. at a molecular level the human body lives because of its ability to produce energy from fermentation. It's our back up energy source for producing ATP. But it was only designed to be the back up to respiration as the main energy source.

It has its place and time though.

I personally feel that during the agricultural revolution over in the Tigris area over 10000 years ago humans in that area switched thier diets to grains and rice and corn year round and stopped eating on a feast or famine yearly cycle and possibly activated at a cellular an inherent allergen for some against the glucose.

I believe the love of this food and its biological consequence, no matter how poetic and inspiring, has created this culture that worldwide people are revolting and rebellion against right now, even though its origins are ancient and the issues wont go away until each person remembers how to breathe and feel enlivened just by breath and being alive.

[Veronica]

Soooo......

I finally got to look at my chart in Mike's program, last night.

I also downloaded a skywalk app, and drew up a bunch of heliocentric charts...which I had only explored in my mind before.

If I am reading it cMikes program my Saturn and Eris are conjunct mundane, which I never saw in my chart before. The valley girl in me says Killller, sarcastically to that because that's not really a personal aspect between those gaseous slow pokes.

But it also appears mundanely that my moon is opposite Saturn 1'13 97% and my moon is also opposite Eris .28 100%

very strange de ja vue here.
That one is pretty specific for me it would seem since it's my moon involved.

when I reflected on Moon Saturn as a mundane aspect that I have had my whole life, but only now see as actual data , and very big part of me wants to say, see...I always new there was sort of proof of this little bit of sadness in me that just lays there waiting to cry, no matter how wonderful and successful and all together I seem, there is this little quivering bit that is sad to be alive and away from God.

so thank you from the bottom of my heart for not telling me.

[SteveS]

Class 1 Mundo Moon aspects are most important, not to be overlooked.

[Veronica]

Class 1 Mundo Moon aspects are most important, not to be overlooked.

well it was

explains why I dont trust


edit:

it's funny how forgetful I can be.
the world responds to that,
and it seems like its playing a game....
can we trick Veronica again?
did she forget about the last time....
let's hit her really hard this time
and see if that makes her remember

I know why I forget
it comes after acceptance and forgiveness
but mostly because I know it's all rubbish and clutter,
all the tricks and games and power plays and bets
to see how I will react, to see if my brain is flooded with enough blood and chemicals and enzymes will I forget about God.

but there it is in my chart, that mundane Moon Saturn Eris blessing to validate my total recall of Wholeness.
I will not ever forget that, and I will willfully forget trivial information that seemingly gets me taken advantage of left right and center by every single person I encounter, so that my brain always has a well traveled path to that quivering little synapse.

I feel that most people cant or wont remember God, that they dont Miss being whole, and that they hate people like me who espouse God and that they dont miss God nor feel that God misses them.

I know God misses me and loves me.
I know he loves and misses everyone.

[Veronica]

exploring this moon opposite saturn in my chart.....

it's not a tiny little bit of me, like I had said.
That was a lie and I knew it.

it's a huge aspect,

it's never feeling bonded and close to anything though you need that more than anything else.

what I think is wrong with me is that I my brain has trouble either making or synthesizing oxytocin and dopamine.

I've tried my whole life to get rid of depression and loneliness, because they are just rotting me from the inside. Anything and everything.

I cant.
it's an aspect I was born with. To not have a nice ready supply of feel good hormones to get me through the day.

many would say then, go to a dr and he will put you on meds and you will feel better.

but why cant I fix myself, why cant I retrain my brain so that it does make and metabolize the hormones I need so that I can be able to move out of the heaviness and gravity into the light and function like a human being instead of being weighted down by some ambiguous feeling of utter despair?

thats a lot of work for one.

Which is why I think Jim suggested that I go back to Alanon.

The 12 step program actually does help fix the internal brain chemistry if worked.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articl ... po=3.48837

I get so sad, so easily.

I realized that the reason that I stayed with my first boyfriend and my exhusband was that they were MAJOR cuddlers, and that I put up with ugliness because they would hold me for prolonged periods of time. and that is what I need and crave more then anything, to be held. not sex but the time after sex when they would be content and still and just lay there and hold me with no rush and no outside pushing to get in.
which cuddling produces the oxytocin that binds and connects a mother to child, something I did not get from my birth mother.

[Jim Eshelman]

Veronica, you asked earlier on this thread why nobody ever mentioned this aspect to you before. The reason I never mentioned it is that I never noticed it - we've only been seriously looking at natal mundane aspects for about the last year, and I haven't gone back to re-examine every chart.

But it does seem quite significant that you've discovered it now - a blessing from Mike's new software. Yes, you have a Class 1 (aka "close") Moon-Saturn opposition along with your ecliptical partile Moon-Neptune conjunction and close Moon-Jupiter conjunction. This does make for a more complicated emotional pattern. (You've always known you had a more complicated emotional pattern, yes? <s>)

Without this aspect, I'd have attributed what you describe to a mild tendency of Aquarius Suns to be blue, a strong tendency of Scorpio Moons to repress deep, building anger, and the acute sensitivity - feeling and responding to things very powerfully - of your partile Moon-Neptune conjunction square MC.

One characteristic of mundane aspects is that they don't exist for all locations. For example, if you were in Wichita (I just picked it because it's a place you have Jupiter exactly angular), the Moon-Saturn is much wider (Class 2, moderate). Northern latitudes make it stronger - for example, in Seattle it is even closer than in upstate NY, but in Jacksonville, FL it's too wide to take seriously. New Orleans might be the best of all worlds astrologically in the sense that you have Jupiter about 2° from an angle (Neptune 3°) and Moon-Saturn has backed away to about 6° (too wide to worry about, especially in the face of the Jupiter).

[Veronica]

Thank you for your help Jim, and thank you Mike for the software so this could come to light.

yes, I know I'm emotionally complex. Tie in the Eris aspects to this and it only gets more so.

I'd like to move, but right now that doesnt seem possible. I dont have the resources to even move somewhere in my own town right now.

I'm just gonna grab a bunch of jobs and just work. I start training for one tonight at 5 as a shipping and receive clerk for an online company which pays 17 an hour, so that's a start.

I hate not working, not having somewhere to go and be helpful. It is so demoralizing and depressing and just sucks. My hobbies just dont bring me any happiness or joy anymore and feel more like busy work to keep me from crying. Seems they are making me cry now so it's time to stop.

my nerves are just fried. between the seasless anguishing yowling of the heartbroken dogs left at the kennel and my landlords non stop loud machinery and presence outside all my windows, I'm just fried.
I cant even go out for a peaceful smoke anymore with out him erratically popping around scaring the hell out of me. Shock and awe is how this whole summer felt.

So I just need to keep getting up at the crack of dawn and just work work work and forget about feelings. they arnt facts, and it seems like that's what everyone else does, just ignore thier feelings and dreams and make money and focus on the material.

but thank you for letting me know you think I should move and that I'd be better off far away from here. I think so too but I just cant hurt people I love like that.
I was hurt by another throwing me away as garbage and replacable and not worthy and it's the worst feeling ever and it never goes away.

[SteveS]

Jim wrote:

One characteristic of mundane aspects is that they don't exist for all locations.

Indeed, and imo, even more so when present-- they are not recognized by a-lot of astrologers as important aspects in a natal chart.

[Veronica]

Jim wrote:

One characteristic of mundane aspects is that they don't exist for all locations.

Indeed, and imo, even more so when present-- they are not recognized by a-lot of astrologers as important aspects in a natal chart.

Why do you think that is so?

I saw the most amazing picture of the Mily Way the other day, it made me think of you Steve. In this computer generated image of data collected from space, it showed how our galaxy is not flat, that it was more like a corrugated shape. In fact when you looked real close at it, it looked like a slightly warped LP Album, with grooves cut just like a record album imprints sound on to plastic. If only someone would drop the needle!!

I agree with you.
They either cant hear it, or they think its something else they hear, or maybe to admit hearing it is a personal demon or such for them...idk..but I do know that all aspects make waves and motion and sound and light, otherwise it wouldn't be aspect at all, it wouldn't be there. the point that there is an aspect tell us we need to refine and filter down more so that we can clearly hear what its voice has to say.

[Jupiter Sets at Dawn]

Jim wrote:

One characteristic of mundane aspects is that they don't exist for all locations.

Indeed, and imo, even more so when present-- they are not recognized by a-lot of astrologers as important aspects in a natal chart.

Why do you think that is so?

Because they aren't obvious or easily seen in most astrology programs and because they are location dependent.
Most astrologers don't look at mundane aspects at all, or just for Ingress charts.

Mike's TMSA is going to level up Sidereal Astrology.

[SteveS]

Veronica, Jim has made the statement mundane aspects could have to do more with eventful stuff in life vs eclipto aspects with psychological/mental things. IMO, I think Jim is correct in his thinking. Just as Jim says, mundane aspects opens-up a whole new world for the astrologer. Mundo aspects, when present, I think explains a lot of missing links in a Natal Chart.

[Veronica]

Yes, I see that. Thank you both.

And thank you again Mike for all your work in creating such a wonderful way to validate to a human being an aspect that they live with but seems intangible and immaterial and unexpressive to others.

unless triggered, which with my SSR with the moon and Saturn this year seems like a nice time to trigger it.

Which I know is a good thing, though a hard one. Saturn will be Apecting my chart very strongly for quite some time, with a Saturn return not to far off my horizon really..

If I dont change my course and choices about certain things that will be a very ugly and nasty time. Lots of people die under those times because all thier bad habits and time catch up with them. I've already had handfuls of my childhood friends get gravely ill and die from lifelong bad habits. I dont want my kids to have to endure something that very easily could be avoided.

In a way Mike, you have given me soooooooo much freedom and peace of mind. I am a complex person with deep emotions and unique needs. Culture seems to dictate that we should not, that we should simply be simple easy and light. But that's not life. Life is a symbiotic relationship at its core, a complex coming together. There is no reason to think we as humans arnt as complex and mysterious.

[SteveS]

Veronica, here is what COSI says about Moon-Saturn tones as possible negative eventful manifestations:

Disadvantages or worries through the family, estrangement or separation from the mother.

And then a footnote:

The negative interpretations are generally correct if the influences of the environment are very strong, or if the relationship with the mother is unsatisfactory.

[Veronica]

Veronica, here is what COSI says about Moon-Saturn tones as possible negative eventful manifestations:

Disadvantages or worries through the family, estrangement or separation from the mother.

And then a footnote:

The negative interpretations are generally correct if the influences of the environment are very strong, or if the relationship with the mother is unsatisfactory.

I have acutely felt disconnected from The Mother in all sence of the word and do not find any comfort at all in the concept of Gaia personally even when I try with all my might.
Its horrible and I have never felt so disconnected from that source my entire life.

[Jim Eshelman]

V, there is also a traditional recognition of Aquarius Sun being ultimately without family in the sense of the scriptural, "Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?" (Including the subtle extra meanings when read in context.)