I am very afraid of losing my job, I don't know if there's something wrong with my personality

[Venus_Daily]

. Due to COVID, I've struggled being a nurse and not having too much hands-on experience, but I've learned a lot. This past Saturday with Mars over my natal Saturn, I was involved in 4 codes in a row. The first was a code white where a 17-year-old girl had a seizure. Thankfully, it wasn't too bad. 2nd code was code blue, I went down to the ER, and a man was down there dying of alcohol intoxication and chronic cirrhosis. I really don't know what to do in a code yet, but I plan on attending mock codes in the future. I just felt so inadequate with professionals who have 4-50 years of training. I went back upstairs after an hour of observing, there was this old man, who has hemiparesis on left side call every 2-3 minutes on the call bell. He wants to be taken out of bed as though he can walk like everyone else after having had a paralytic stroke. He stops calling for about 20 minutes, the dietician finds him on the floor because the CNA just had to sit him up on the side of the bed like an idiot after everyone already complained that he walks like a drunken cat trying to hug the floor. Mind you, the previous night, night shift bragged that they removed the call bell because he was calling every 2-3 seconds when myself and the CNA replaced it after their shift. So that happens, I'm shaken up because it's naturally a scary thing. As I was getting ready to leave that same night, a nightshift CNA called code white to his room because he was having a stroke. Thankfully, I had enough foresight to order a CT scan, and it showed no damage was done during the fall.


So, anyway, I wrap up that day, go home, and cry myself to sleep. The next day, we get an old woman, who is bedbound and lives at home. All she does all day is complain, remains confused, and calls me the wrong name. Well, I was in another room, had forgotten my phone for like 15 minutes trying to get an IV on this extremely overweight woman who did nothing but tried to monopolize my time all-day despite being able to do for herself, even expecting me to wipe her and pull her up and put her in bed alone despite the fact that she weighs 400 lbs.

So, anyway, the old woman calls all day to complain about something whether it be the food or medications. Then, she tells a nurse and a CNA that she's been calling for an entire 15 minutes to be changed and that we're not changing her. She complains to an LVN, and I guess she complained to nightshift as well......and this is where the hypocrisy comes in. This old lady had also complained that supposedly nightshift wasn't changing her in spite of the fact that they were.

So, Wednesday, my boss calls me into her office and claims that she got 3 different text messages from 3 different people saying that I wasn't doing my job, and that she can't have me there "not being able to cover anyone's back". She said that she had received a report that I wasn't answering my call bell despite one slip up when other nurses and CNAs leave their call bells behind to go do something on a regular basis.

I tell my boss about how there is a double standard, and I do feel like I'm singled out because that same old lady who was there yesterday called the CNA's early in the morning claiming she hadn't been changed, and the CNA just walked off to go get breakfast. I told her, I feel like people just do not like me, period. I feel like people can goof off all day, but if I slip up by accident, people will call her with complaints. I just feel so damn angry, and I feel like I'm going to lose my job. It hurts knowing that alsmost everyone you work with doesn't like you. The preceptor I had treats all her preceeptees completely differently and treated me like crap and ignored me throughout the entire process. She now socializes with all of the people she taught, she asks them to go to lunch, she invites them to do things on off time, and she's never done that with me. I've been there since last December, and these newer women have been there less than one month and one has been there two months. Already, these two new women are treated with respect from everyone on the team, and they're socialized with outside of the job. I try to join in conversations and ask people questions about themselves and even just communicate simple messages, and I'll get very dry, glib, or awkward responses or outright hostility. A lot of the times, if I try to join a conversation or try to let people know about myself, like things about myself likes or dislikes, I'm just flat-out ignored. My boss said, I'm probably unapproachable, and I should probably be the one to make the first move. This feel like a central dogma in my life. Constantly trying to make friends, relationships, or aquaintances, being treated like crap, and being told, I'm the one who's doing something wrong. I know I'm not doing anything wrong. I only get socially awkward in the sense where I begin to build a wall after bing repeatedly rejected time and time again.

I feel like, it's driving me into a cycle where I am overanalyzing everything about mself over and over again. Is it because of my weight, am I unattractive, is it my hair, is it my skin, am I too flat chested. I guess I'm just angry and scared because I have some egregious incidents overlooked from CNAs and other nurses. My lunar returns seem pretty bad for this fall and winter, and I just can't afford to be fired. I just don't understand why people don't like me. Is it Mars/Uranus?

[SteveS]

I don't know if this is practical or possible but on an intuitive flash, if I were you I would try to get myself out of the hospital environment into a more private nursing environment like house to house home-health-care.

[Veronica]

You have every right to feel angry.

You work in a stressful job under stressful chaotic conditions, in a highly competitive field.
I have to remind myself that I am not at work to make friends, I am at work to do my job so I can pay my Bill's.
It appears as if your co workers have very open lines of communication about other workers performance.
It sounds as if you are not informing your supervisor of your co workers mis performances and slacking like they are. I think it might be helpful if you also reported the poor services you observe in your coworkers... any and every time.

I like you Venus and think you are a wonderful person and I haven't an inclination what you body or hair is like, and Wouldnt care if you were bald and boney, or ginger and fat. You do you and keep your chin up, this transit will pass. You know your job, you are educated and trained and capable and compassionate and caring and are helping your clients.

I know it hurts and is uncomfortable to work with people when you feel they personally dont like you for what ever reason. I just trust now that when people dont like me, or they do...that it is astrology, synastry especially and it's mostly out of my hands. I also keep in mind that people are going through hell in life, and feel out of control and project their inner struggles outward into another instead of owning it as a part of themselves and the life choices they have made. I know I am guilty of this too, I think we all project uncomfortable things in an attempt to bring them to light and gain understanding of ourselves.

I hope you have a great day today.

[SteveS]

V wrote:

You have every right to feel angry.

Venus, also note recently you had t Mars partile 90 your Natal MC. And, you had an "outstanding incident" July 13 SLR featuring Venus-Neptune & Venus-Saturn with SLR Me partile 180 with Moon ("thinking influenced by feelings"), and we know how you felt. A rough SLR and patch of transits.

[Jim Eshelman]

You posted in the hour of an exact Moon-Mars square. The aspect aligns quite well with your state of mind, with the rage arising from frustration and pain. This ties into your chart quite exactly:

20°38' Cap - r MC
21°04' Can - t Moon
21°28' Ari - t Mars

Ironically, this is a good sign: It shows things coming to a crisis resulting in action, in a breakthrough, in the rupturing of a pustule. This aspect (active for a day or day broadly and brought to a head by Moon last night) didn't cause the events at work so much as it brought your inner crisis to a peak. That is, it gave unavoidable awareness and set you in motion.

You're under a longer-term transit that might be read as a little threatening to your job, though that isn't the main message. It's Uranus octile your Jupiter, 0°05' last night. It's not shaking or threatening the way (say) Pluto and Saturn to your Jupiter could be. It does bring honesty to matters of your status, standing, and income, and (I think) gives a state where you reassess, where you are willing to consider other options and possibilities. It doesn't mean that you will make changes, only that life gives you a reminder that you have options. You might want to pick (as if afresh) what you're currently doing; or you might want to pick something else.

I recall that your current solar return is quite severe. I suggested you go somewhere else for your birthday and that wasn't possible. I do expect that you will have a year with deep dissatisfaction, extreme demands put on you by others, and feeling that things are being taken away from you; that your prestige will be lower, your life will be more about labor than enjoyment, and that you will feel more alone than usual. While this sounds unpleasant, one advantage of this information is that it means it isn't personal. That is, people's judgements of you aren't personal: The universe just expects more of you this year, expects you to do ten times as much as anyone else to get the same respect.

As a Leo, it is very important to you how people think about you: You want to "control your own story," and ultimately determine how people think about you. As a Sagittarius, you pay a lot of attention to judgments. It may be that the hardest challenges of this year involve it being less important to you what people think of you, plus letting go of your sensitivity to judgments. To do that, you probably have to relax any judgmentalism in yourself: People's judgments of you are their own business (it's about them more than about you).

Your July 13 lunar return isn't bad at all. It's confusing, anxious, maybe a bit disoriented, with Neptune on Midheaven, but it's otherwise a great chart with natal Venus-Jupiter and transiting Venus the most angular planets. Transiting Jupiter even opposes natal Venus, your natal Venus-Jupiter aspect is highlighted. I would expect a great current month in most respects. The one emotionally uncomfortable factor is that exact Venus-Neptune square on the angle. Consider the following interpretation of transiting Venus-Neptune on solunar angles (but understand it occurs within a very positive chart):

Compelling fantasy: surrendering to temptation, come what may (resistance buckles). "Love drunk" romantic thralldom inspires to ecstasy then humiliates. Disillusionment, embarrassment. Painful social embarrassment, feeling a fool in front of others. "Hurt inside" that drives us home alone in self-pity, dazed by an unhappy turn of events. Betrayal by trusted intimates, betrayed alliances, perceived offenses.

It suggests that the hurt is social hurt - things like not being included, not part of the circle.

More immediate is your July 26 demi-lunar. Note that there are NO transiting planets angular other than a widely foreground (7°) Saturn. The focus is all on you and what comes from within you: Natal Sun 0°14' from Westpoint, natal Mars-Uranus about 4° from MC, natal Mercury 5° from Dsc. Where the Saturn comes in (not so strong on its own) is in close aspects to your Mercury, Mars, and Uranus. All of these planets are closely interwoven ecliptically or mundanely, e.g., you have partile mundane Mercury-Mars and Mercury-Uranus aspects among your natal planets.

Natal Mercury-Mars-Uranus is the strongest pattern - and then Saturn sits on it in the foreground. I think you were more energized and reactive in both positive ways. The good ways would be things like thinking faster, more resourceful, reflexively right in emergency situations, thinking outside the box, more assertive. The negative ways would be things like be shorter with people, not taking time for things, possibly being hasty leading to accidents, thinking outside the box without communicating about it to others around you, and being more assertive. That is, it's like - here it is, the core of your post title, I think! - you're feeling a greater sense of alarm, like warning bells are going off around you, and when people live in this kind of emergency state they "bring what they've got" to the mix. Some of what they bring is good stuff like quick action and insight; some of what they bring is bad stuff like hasty action and uncooperativeness.

Since Saturn aspects the Mercury, Mars, and Uranus, the chart anticipates that you're going to be treated badly for this, so negative judgments likely prevail.

I see in your post that you were frustrated by unfairness, negative judgments, and not being regarded as highly as others. However, that's the nature of your solar return: This year, you will have to perform ten times better in order to be judged "as good as the rest." You will get judgments. You will be around overworked and frustrated people looking unconsciously for anything their egos can momentarily feel better about. You will be judged negatively.

What you DO have control over is your own reactions. Keep your head and emotions clear, take every good or bad experience as a chance to learn something, don't complain much this year about judgments and unfairness in particular. (You're not in a place where you can do much about that. I usually encourage people to speak up for themselves and fight for themselves, but until your 2023 birthday you mostly will lose if you do that.) Be the conscientious, attentive, always-learning, always-reliable, working harder than anyone else mooring of your workplace. In time - and in other disease conditions - the right people will notice.

[mikestar13]

Venus, I don't even have to look your chart to tell that when you have this much trouble with a job, the problem is the job, not you. I know this from extensive experience with this sort of nursing from the patient's side, and I can tell you stories. The work you do to is vital, but usually thankless and a fair amount of time demeaning. You are dealing with large numbers of old, sick people. Some are gems, to be sure, but others have the forgetfulness of various stages of dementia, and let's face it, you encounter some that are outright evil. An evil person does not suddenly become good when they require care -- some in fact get worse. There are people that will gleefully tell lies about you -- not always just patients. I know that you and some of your co-workers are conscientious--but some of them are not conscientious, and those who are not tend to lay the blame on those who are.

I personally saved a one job by signing affidavit that my roommate at the time (half crazy and a compulsive liar) had falsely accused a CNA of misconduct/abuse that I saw with my own eyes did not even come close to happening. The man for whatever reason wanted her fired (perhaps because she wouldn't let him feel her up), and knowingly lied his a** off to try to accomplish that. Yes there are people like that in every hospital and skilled nursing facility in the United States.

May the stars and the God who made them keep you safe until the timing is right to deal with this situation more assertively. I doubt I can add much if anything to Jim's astrological analysis, but should you like me to give it a try, point me to your birth data, I haven't found it on the site. (Send by PM if you want to keep your data private.)

[SteveS]

Very well stated Mike.

[Venus_Daily]

Thank You all so much. I have finalized my trip to Salt Lake City. Although it's not Bryce, it's still quite positive.
To be quite honest, this is the most secure yet insecure I've ever felt. I don't know if it's Saturn on the IC, but that's just the way I feel.

[Veronica]

I still have some salt from there from when I was nine and our van broke down on the flats. It was a starkly beautiful place. I hope it is beautiful for you too.

[Jim Eshelman]

Thank You all so much. I have finalized my trip to Salt Lake City. Although it's not Bryce, it's still quite positive.

Yes: This is what will be waiting you there at 4:15 PM MDT September 5:

8°40' Sag - r Jupiter
9°34' Sag - SSR Asc
10°22' Vir - r Venus
11°17' Pis - t Jupiter

There's more to it than that - but nothing anywhere near as important as this.

[Venus_Daily]

Well, I got in trouble the day before yesterday. I was put on a 30-day improvement plan, and if make even the smallest mistake of much of anything, I'm getting fired, and I will be reported to the nursing board with a recommendation to have my license terminated. My crime, although I'm not ashamed of it. I did forget my phone when entering a soundproof room, and at the same time, my patient was hyperventilating, which triggered a minor code by my charge nurse. I don't know what's going to happen in the next 30 days, but even after that, I don't feel like I'll be given any leeway for mistakes. Just a few minutes ago, I was able to snap out of it. I don't know what the next 30 days hold for me, but I need to be on that aircraft by the 4th. I have my final meeting on the 12 (SEP), and what really stands out to me is Mars on SQ2 DSC angle for my SSR.

[SteveS]

for your situation Venus--hope for the best with no mistakes.

[Venus_Daily]

Thank Steve. I just don't know how this month will play out. Although I'm on board with relocating for my SSR, I don't know how it will change anything with such negative symbolism. Considering that I also have Mars on angles for several upcoming SSRs afollowed with Saturn. I feel like I'm losing hope and contemplating suicide. This is all I have to fall back on. It's not the only job in the world but it is the only license I have.

[SteveS]

Venus, if I could find my lost magic wand I would wave it and change your outlook on life. We all encounter good and bad times in life.

[Venus_Daily]

Thank you, Steve!

[Venus_Daily]

Well, yesterday, got bad news related to inflation, my rent is skyrocketing. My SSR mop up is really making itself known. I've been looking everywhere for a cheaper place to no avail. I don't do well with roommates, I can barely stand myself.

[Venus_Daily]

Well, I'm here. My SSR starts tomorrow