Jim asked
I dont see a Venus-Pluto conjunction in this SSR?"What are the feelings? (I could guess but I don't know.) What's the experience of going through that?
This also sounds like your two exactly angular Plutos, including a Venus-Pluto conjunction."
as for my feelings....
They are mixed in a way that makes it difficult to articulate, long, deep, penetrating....parts feel so good and parts feel so horrible....
Jim since I've known you two of my extended family nieces have been horrifically murdered by thier mate. Women who I have know since birth, that I played with and watched grow, that I cared for and loved, watched them birth thier own children ......gone,... in horrible violent cruel acts.
I feel ....that it could have easily been me, that my relationships were so toxic that they could have ended the same. .... That my chart has an potential for huge toxicity in relationship to others...because it is so limited.
I feel like if I didnt get away from my exs, that if I dont stay away ....I might act horribly myself because I am angry at how things progressed.
and thinking that, feeling that....makes me sick. how sickening to think that I could feel so selfishly angry, hurt, fearful....that I could be triggered to commit ugliness myself. Sometimes I want to scream at my ex "You did WHAT, with Who?!? How could you?!?" and just smash everything.
and it's that "How could you"....that brought me to you to try an understand how they did what they did. of course though, when your all jacked up on anger feelings your blood isnt in your ears and you cant hear till you calm down, and then you can try to understand the How.
Something Venus Daily said the other day in her thread bothered me, but I didnt want to derail her thread or upset her so I didnt respond to it. What she said though, seems to fit into these feelings I am trying to find words for, what I feel is very very wrong in the world.
She said "screw men."
As I think of my little orphans and thier situation, of my surviving nieces grieving for thier beloved cousin, of all the stories I hear and see about domestic violence surrounding me.......I want to scream at her and shake her and say, "No, no no!!!!DoNot screw men, they dont like to be screwed with!!!! They dont want to get screwed in any way shape or form!!! They dont take it well, they dont like to be played with, they dont like to be laughed at and they will have very hard feelings towards anyone they feel has done so!!Men like to screw, but not be screwed with." What is good for the goose ISNOT good for the gander. If you feel like saying "Screw men", then you need to get away from men and leave them alone! Saying "Screw" anything is a hostile hurtful thing and the world doesnt need that sort of nastiness anymore. It's a separation, a division, a mechanical ideal that does not reflect or resemble the inherent truth that we are all interconnected life forms, that each breath and each thought influences the whole entire world we live in.
Yet I didnt say that because I felt for sure I would be told that wasnt what she meant, that she simply meant she was going to leave men alone, that I was out of line and inappropriate and my comments had no bearing because I missed what she meant, even though her language and word choice seems openly hostile towards one part of the human population.
What popped into my mind when I read her words was JSADs teaching about our primal biological response to meeting a person of the opposite sex. Men's primal impulse on meeting a women is to asses if she will be likely to have sex with him. Womens primal impulse revolves around assessing if the man is likely to kill her.
That teaching is profound and really needs to be brought to the surface IMO so that humanity can grow beyond those fearful limitations of our being.
This trial for my niece, the experience of it ...is something I dont like. I dont like hearing about any of it. The shear violence and atrocity....Fingers are pointing, and needs are not being met, and its confusion and unclear and the utter feeling of restriction and helplessness...and for my family who were so so so close to her it has to feel a million times worse.
I feel so sad for the men of this world. They are so sensitive and misunderstood.
This culture does not support them, or nourish them. It uses them and manipulates them and breaks their spirit and rots them.
The men who killed my nieces were in a way, my own nephews, and I feel like a failure that I wasnt able to help them cope and get through life better, that maybe if they had been included more or engaged with more that they wouldnt have blown up.
So much of all that situation was out of my control as they were very extended family who I wasnt strongly or consistently connected to over the years due to me having my own children and time constraints.
I wish I would have understood how sensitive and delicate men really are years ago. I feel horrible about things I've said and done, not knowing truly how hurtful and mean and scary women are, especially to men. I am so very sorry that I have that potential in me, I am sorry for confusions I've caused and mixed messages, being insensitive and selfish and manipulative. I try everyday to be better then I was yesterday and I feel I'm much less toxic.