Worst and longest depression in years

[Mike V]

Despite my overwhelmingly positive SSR, the past 2 months of this year have marked a slow and steady track into the most severe and resilient depressive episode I can remember in the last 3 or so years. It reached a breaking point in the last 2 days (so February 20 2024). Up until this point, in the past 3 years, my longest bouts of depression lasted a day or two.

I don't have the energy to type out all of the factors in detail, but I'm somewhat confused as to why this is happening and is so persistent. And I guess I'm asking for any advice and if you can see light at the end of the tunnel; I'm in my own head about this and need an outside perspective.

The main gist of stuff that has happened:

1/3/24 - SLR
r. Uranus, r. Mercury, r. Moon, t. Sun, r. Jupiter, r. Saturn

Seems fine. I noted on 1/10/24 "Feeling weirdly depressed." It first surfaced but was not a daily issue yet.

1/10/24 - QNSR or whatever we're calling these
r. Mars, t. Venus, t. Saturn
(t. Moon co t. Mars, op t. Jupiter, co t. Uranus)

My record indicates a lot of emotionality; a lot of energy, but not very productive. Intermittent depression noted.

1/16/24 - DSLR
r. Mercury, t. Pluto, t. Sun, r. Venus

Some powerful mystical experiences; productive at work. Creative inspiration but procrastinated doing anything with it. I don't mention depression again until 1/28/24.

1/19/24 - QNSR
r. Eris, r. Saturn, r. Moon, r. Mercury, t. Mars, t. Eris, r. Neptune

Emotionality continued, but surprisingly generally happy until 1/28/24 as mentioned. This chart looks like all of my most difficult parts, but it doesn't seem to have led to depression.

1/29/24 - NSR
(t. Sedna,) r. Mars, t. Saturn
t. Moon op t. Neptune, sq r. Sun

Sleep schedule got really bad at this point (multiple mid-day naps and a 5-6 hour block at night, which is not long enough for me). Unfortunately, this Ennead marks the beginning of the really difficult period.

1/31/24 - SLR
t. Uranus, r. Pluto

I note on 1/31/24 that the depression really sets in; my record uses phrases like "exhausted" and "never-ending grind." Still, productive. Took in a stray cat for care inside; enormous amount of work starting at this point. Note that I did not track this SLR or the demi until the day of writing this post, to experiment with only checking the NSR series, so I did not see this chart while it was the primary thing happening.

2/8/24 - QNSR
t. Venus, r. Mercury, t. Pluto, t. Moon, t. Mars, t. Mercury, r. Venus
t. Moon co r. Venus

Busy but productive at first. Depression sets in and doesn't leave starting around 2/11; my record describes it as "acutely depressed," though with short (few hours at a time) periods of recovery from it.

2/13/24 - DLSR
r. Mars, t. Saturn
I also did not see this chart until the day of making this post.

My record describes a slowly losing battle against depression and gradually decreasing productivity, increasing frustration and anger, which at least seems to fit this chart perfectly - "fighting a losing battle."

2/18/24 - QNSR
r. Uranus (exact), r. Jupiter, r. Sun
t. Moon sq t. Saturn (exact in mundo), sq t. Neptune, op r. Sun

"Very mixed states [...] a current of dark emotion that feels almost alien." I liken it to a period when I was on medication that induced extreme, bizarre, and "alien" depression that didn't even feel like mine (although this current experience is much more familiar than that was).


Current transits etc that seem relevant:

t. Sun sq r. Mars - acutely busy period; non-stop things I need to do
t. Mercury oc r. Moon-Neptune
t. Saturn sq r. MC (just left 1* orb)
p Mercury sq p MC (primary directed? It's secondary progressed Mercury sq the solar arc angle)
p Jupiter oc p Pluto
p Neptune co p IC (again, solar arc angle)
p Moon co r. Uranus
p Saturn co r. Mercury (38', about 2* tighter than in the natal)
t. Uranus oc p Moon

I don't think the transits show this depression very well except for possibly Saturn squaring natal MC, and this seems out of proportion for a transit like that.
The only thing I can think of is that the depression is not the primary issue - the primary issue is frustration and exhaustion, feeling blocked - the Saturn-to-Mars themes. If that's true... the March 9th Ennead looks very similar to the last one, which really sucks.

Am I reading these right? (You don't have to go into detail in all of these charts... I just threw all the stuff out there to perhaps save you some effort.) Am I missing something important? And do you see light at the end of the tunnel?

[Jim Eshelman]

Mike, I'm sorry to hear this. I know you have supportive people around you and I have confidence you'll ride this out. Let's take a fresh look at timing.

The obvious transit (not for the unprecedented length but for depression itself) is Saturn to your angles. It's currently in partile orb of square your MC, having been on your WP-a a while back and still heading toward your Descendant. You've had such transits before, so this isn't the whole story, but the Saturn passage from about 8° to 17° Aquarius seems one prolonged process.

The answer to why this time might be worse than other times (every seven years or so) that Saturn has crossed your angles in the past seems tied to the longest-term cycles: your Solar Arc directions. Your solar arcs are mixed, but I went to mention some obvious ones:

d MC 17°34' Gemini is right atop your Moon-Neptune and reaching your Saturn over the next couple of years (enters partile orb in about a year). Given your history, I advise you not to take this lightly. This seems the time to by under medical supervision for a couple of years (or at least until the current state stabilizes).

Your directed Moon is at 21°57' Libra, meaning it is only 11' from exact conjunction with your Pluto. This at least feels alienating and, with the angles to Saturn-Neptune feels... traumatic. Stirring p old trauma? Some new shock? Certainly something dislodged from your psyche and the need for confrontation of whatever is arising.

I know some of the processes you're going through, and they do stir personal demons that need to be confronted. That seems about right and fits all these astrological symbols. I think this is a time you can profitably dig into your oldest, darkest corners, though - with the state of being you are describing - I don't think you should do it alone.

There are also very life-affirming directions. Venus is in orb of your Descendant. Mars is opposite your Jupiter. These are vital, positive energies (even if Mars to Jupiter can get a little out of hand). Stay connected to these energies.

Given all of this, I'm especially happy that you have the best solar return we could navigate for you. I know you said before that you thought you also feel the "relocated back home" version of your SSR - which, in this case, is heavily Saturn-Neptune. I don't think this is how it works, but I want to acknowledge that you think that. We don't need a Saturn-Neptune SSR in the face of Saturn's transits across your angles and the solar arcs.

What do you need?

[Mike V]

Thank you for the detailed and swift reply Jim.

The obvious transit (not for the unprecedented length but for depression itself) is Saturn to your angles. It's currently in partile orb of square your MC, having been on your WP-a a while back...

I'm sorry, I have a hard time remembering this one... is that calculated just in longitude? I.e. opposition to the "equatorial ascendant" so-called? Or is this actually a transit purely measured in right ascension?

d MC 17°34' Gemini is right atop your Moon-Neptune and reaching your Saturn over the next couple of years (enters partile orb in about a year). Given your history, I advise you not to take this lightly. This seems the time to by under medical supervision for a couple of years (or at least until the current state stabilizes).

Thank you for the warning about this. I missed this direction somehow (I see it now though).

Thankfully, I am on an antidepressant and have been since early 2021ish - when my depressive episodes became very infrequent and short. I'm not currently seeing a therapist - I reached the point of feeling like I had accomplished everything that was gonna be accomplished with my previous one, who was a master at her craft - but I can change that.

Your directed Moon is at 21°57' Libra, meaning it is only 11' from exact conjunction with your Pluto. This at least feels alienating and, with the angles to Saturn-Neptune feels... traumatic. Stirring p old trauma? Some new shock? Certainly something dislodged from your psyche and the need for confrontation of whatever is arising.

"Alienating" and "traumatic" are apt descriptions of the way it feels. I don't think anything is really a "new shock" at present.

I know some of the processes you're going through, and they do stir personal demons that need to be confronted. That seems about right and fits all these astrological symbols. I think this is a time you can profitably dig into your oldest, darkest corners, though - with the state of being you are describing - I don't think you should do it alone.

I'm happy to say I have been digging as deep into those corners as I possibly can. I rarely shy away anymore (if I ever did). I've been laser-focused on keeping those aforementioned processes churning (this week marks 6 uninterrupted months of keeping that going - a new lifetime record for me), and have had really remarkable results throughout.

Given all of this, I'm especially happy that you have the best solar return we could navigate for you. I know you said before that you thought you also feel the "relocated back home" version of your SSR - which, in this case, is heavily Saturn-Neptune. I don't think this is how it works, but I want to acknowledge that you think that. We don't need a Saturn-Neptune SSR in the face of Saturn's transits across your angles and the solar arcs.

The "relocated back home" SSR concept does remain on my mind, though it is mostly a thing I am intrigued by (scared of). Yeah, that relocated SSR is, I think, what I was mostly scared of in this instance too; seeing solar arcs that I can blame it on instead is a big relief, even if those last longer than any such SSR would. I agree that the solar arcs explain it exactly.

A few weeks back I took a look at my next 3 Solar Returns and plan to travel for all of them (unfortunately, because I would love to take a lazy birthday at home)...

Dec 2024 - Natal Moon/Saturn/Neptune, plus transiting Pluto. Yeah, nope. Planning on Milwaukee (t. Venus-Uranus and little else).
Dec 2025 - Double Moon with natal Saturn-Neptune, transiting Moon-Saturn... planning on Colorado Springs for t. Jupiter/t. Eris.
Dec 2026 - Natal Sun and Saturn and more Moon-Saturn mundane crap. Pittsburgh has t. Jupiter (opposing t. Moon) and r. Venus with t. Pluto; seemed like the best I could do, but I have 3 more years to figure it out.

What do you need?

I think you've given me a lot of what I needed. I needed most of all to know that there was a clear, definable astrological reason this was going on, because I felt like "wow cool so I can just regress any time Saturn ever touches anything," and I felt really disturbed and defeated by that. Glad to see I'm not as fragile as that. I needed some guidance as to what I could realistically expect in the future, and the warning about my solar arcs is the best I could ask for. I have most or all of a plan for that already lined up (setting up good SSRs, not going off my medication, remaining aware that I'm in a dangerous astrological period, and being ready to resume therapy if I think there are specific things I can tackle).

I guess the thing I need the most now is to be able to really trust that all the work I'm putting in in my life isn't in vain. I've felt very defeated recently. Specifically, I've felt defeated by the concept (my own concept) that for every step forward I take in trying to clean up the messes in my life, physically as well as emotionally, something else breaks, or it ends up just not working. This has been much harder for me (and I have much less experience with it) than the familiar Moon-Saturn-Neptune challenges, which I think I have come a long way in healing. But the last month or so has just been an exercise in trying really hard to accomplish things and feeling like a big wet noodle flopping against a concrete wall.

But maybe I need to accept the degree to which life is just not in my control, and there will never be a time when "all my ducks are in a row." It's hard to do that.

[Jim Eshelman]

The obvious transit (not for the unprecedented length but for depression itself) is Saturn to your angles. It's currently in partile orb of square your MC, having been on your WP-a a while back...

I'm sorry, I have a hard time remembering this one... is that calculated just in longitude?

That one is, yes. (It can also be calculated in RA.)

Dec 2024 - Natal Moon/Saturn/Neptune, plus transiting Pluto. Yeah, nope. Planning on Milwaukee (t. Venus-Uranus and little else).

I had a doubled up Jupiter-Uranus SSR in Milwaukee. Marion and I have a few cool places there to suggest. BTW, if you have leisurely time ahead, you might want to take the train from Union Station to Chicago, then an hour hop to Milwaukee. (We loved the two-day trip but, of course, flying is faster.)

I think you've given me a lot of what I needed. I needed most of all to know that there was a clear, definable astrological reason this was going on, because I felt like "wow cool so I can just regress any time Saturn ever touches anything," and I felt really disturbed and defeated by that.

Though it may be a long process, it's definitely one of those "once in a lifetime" gangbangs.

I have most or all of a plan for that already lined up (setting up good SSRs, not going off my medication, remaining aware that I'm in a dangerous astrological period, and being ready to resume therapy if I think there are specific things I can tackle).

I guess the thing I need the most now is to be able to really trust that all the work I'm putting in in my life isn't in vain. I've felt very defeated recently.

That's pretty consistent with the directions and transits, of course.

Reach out to Lance. He as a lot of experience mindfully navigating Saturn-Neptune, too. You may also find something useful in this answer I gave him recently. (I'm thinking of generalizing this into a chapter in CSA Vol. II.) viewtopic.php?p=57650#p57651

But maybe I need to accept the degree to which life is just not in my control, and there will never be a time when "all my ducks are in a row." It's hard to do that.

You do seem fond of your chaos planets

[Veronica]

Hi Mike,
I'm sorry you are going through this. I had a really painful bout with Saturn transiting me last year.
I wanted to share a story that happened that maybe helpful.

I had gotten out my holiday decorations and had them piled up on the table getting ready to organize them. I had a collection of fragile objects in a small paper bag, objects from my mother and sister when I was a baby.
My son came home and our parrot Loki for some reason got especially excited and when my son walked passed the table and the bird, Loki flapped flapped flapped and fluttered to my boy. In all the flapping he knocked over the bag and the fragile items spilled tothe floor, shattering beyond repair.
My son was devastated, and looked in tears, mumbling how terrible and awful and how so so sorry he was to ruin something that meant so much to me,things irreplaceable and gifts from my mother.
I took his hand and said no. You are irreplaceable. Today was a day that something I loved would get broken, and I am so very grateful that my sister and mother gave me these dust collectors so that today they could be broken, instead of you, or me or sissy or Loki.
I recall one day JSAD was sad that her very very favorite pot got broken, and how thankful I was that she had that pot to break, instead of her getting broken.
I hope you keep journal writing and sharing your feelings.