Jim Eshelman wrote: Wed Feb 02, 2022 7:52 am
So much to say... and, yet, nothing to say... and, yet, I don't want this post to go unacknowledged.
First, I totally get the feelings. I think it is the Aquarius in us that, if we're going to be true to ourselves, means we're ultimately outsiders and castoffs. It's excessive to say we're pariahs, but sometimes that's the form the role takes. It's definitely our "job" to stand outside most of the rest and serve as unpleasant voices from the wilderness. Sometimes, in the course of living life that way, we get to be part in the rest (but usually not - and there is hurt in just how infrequently that occurs).
I made a choice early in life that I'm pretty sure wouldn't work for you: I accepted that, whatever happened in the short run in my life, it wasn't likely my lot ever to be really
liked, that I'd be mostly an outcast or a voice on the fringe. In 5th grade when I learned the word "ostracized" I was amazed that someone had created a word just to describe me. (Of course, it wasn't
only about me - many other people get to own the word, too - but it felt so intimate and central that it seemed it was just my word.
There's no way, Veronica, that you are an embodiment of humanity's hatred, and you're too strong to be its victim. Nonetheless, I get that sometimes it will seem like their discomfort is centered on you, that you're the hot compress that sucks all the poison out of the damaged. There's little chance of that poison not staying at least
briefly in you - at best, it passes through - but the compress can be rinsed and reapplied. It's not
your poison, but I think you do draw it out of the damaged.
Also - though I wasn't there to witness the incident you described - I don't think it was hatred at you either. You just got a reminder that a lot of people are unhappy with their lives, angrily think they need more than they're getting, and truly don't want to go above and beyond. Their well isn't as full as your well. They're disconnected from the ceaseless streams of love to which you stay connected.
Your willingness - actually, your
need - to go above and beyond, to pour out the Aquarius streams into the world, to infuse parched land with life and culture and human civility - isn't something most people are going to bring (or have the capacity to bring).
You are not, of course, an archetype of the collective hatred of humanity - you lead with your kindness (look how you centered even that painful sentence on the Aquarian theme of
collective humanity). You exist to pour forth the streams. But, in your Aquarius-Scorpio soul there are, indeed, some things that most easily attract others' ire. Scorpio, of course, is a common target of maligning. Many ancient astrologers treated Aquarius the same way due to its rulership by Saturn, most of them regarding it as one of the worst of the signs (Manilius was a striking exception). I've always thought this was because there was no context for understanding the
outside of society Aquarius in a Roman that depended on the safety of everyone's civil conformity. - So, while you're obviously not a figure of hatred, you are an easy hub of misunderstanding. You need to be yourself authentically
and there's no reason to think other people will ever understand you or get who you really are because, well, that's not how they roll.
Your dream of ancient alienation BTW struck me as an archetype-rich dream acknowledging the part of you that is the goddess spirit that departed human tribes ages ago and has been trying to find places on Earth where it can settle as it once did. And, while most turned away, a few persisted in trying to find you.
I'm sorry you had a bad experience with the dork at work. Your recent SLR has Pluto in the exact degree of Ascendant and a foreground Mercury-Pluto conjunction. A confrontational communication and something to shake your reality seem to have been inevitable; but also, something that would set your mind on a path of introspective reassessment.