Solunars by Aldebaran Sidereal Academy

I was really excited last year that the new year was gonna be 2018. I thought it was pretty cool because my birthdate is 2/18.

Yet I had in my head a bunch of crap thoughts and behaviors and my life up till then had mostly been a struggle, a climb and swiming against the current.

I hade hoped that if I went into 2018 with a positive go get em attitude that things would smooth out and be stress free and I could finally rid myself of some nasty character flaws and defects and just be able to wake up everyday, put some sunshine on my lips and move on and up and 2018 would be easy peasy with just the right attitude.

Yet 2018 was the culmination of all my prior years and one does not simply just toss that stuff in the garbage and have it hauled away. There is no "away." garbage goes somewhere. That why recycling reusing and reducing is so very important. With your household trash as well as you emotional and behavioral baggage. If you dont get into the habit of breaking down your garbage you are gonna get burried under a landslide of junk and filth and then you really have a mess.

Thats what I had going into 2018. A huge mess. Every single aspect in my life sucked and hurt and I was building up a frustration and a tension that was just going to explode into the world. My kids world.

I really had tried to make the best of things. In so many ways. I tried to put on a happy face for my kids and show confidence and grace and empowerment, but honestly I was exhausted from life. Dead aff tired from decades of not being heard, or understood, taken advantage of, bullied, belittled, afraid, insecure, unloved and so many other things that drained me like a vampire.

I had nothing going into 2018. I was nothing. I meant nothing to anyone. I was replacable, evil, mean and cold hearted....that was the message and more that I got from every single person via there actions and words.

Every single person except two. My babies, who looked to me to help them make sence of the world. To help them keep pushing on and to have hope for the future and to forget the past. To help them learn how to relate to the world in a healthy positive way and make choices that will help them be sucessful.

Everyday for the past 18 years have tried and tried and tried to be the best mother I could be. Cooking cleaning shopping talking explaining sharing understanding paying bills providing fun and games and playdates and clubs and sports and on and on and on.

And I love doing it. Each thing i do I do as mindfully as I can and with as much love as I can knowing that as tiring and endless as it all seems, if I do it well enough, that mothering nurturing role will come to an end and they will be able to care well for themselves.

But its such hard work. And it burns you out doing it for the most part alone.

I had hope in my heart though and trust in something more loving then me. I had trust that even though I felt unloved and unlovable, my feelings were wrong. I believe with every cell of my being that what ever created me, loved me for the big hot mess I was regardless and would always love me no matter what the rest of the world said and did.

I knew this because for every single breathe i have ever taken, I have felt this pressence of a loving other, of something inside and outside of me that was there for every breathe and every choice and descion and act and thought I had ever had. Something else was there watching observing and understanding why I do or say or believe what I do. And this other is ok with all that and loves me anyways. For all the evil I have been accused of, this other knew the truth and that gives me my confidence and self assuarance and self love to keep going even in the face of hate jealousy fear judgmentalism and misunderstanding that the world has seemingly offered up to ve for simply being alive and trying to keep on living.

So here I was on the thresh hold of the year of veronica and i was terrified. What if I was wrong? What if this year wasnt gonna be great? What if it was just more of the same old beatings I had taken. Nothing to do but live in each moment and keep trying.

And January 2018 sucked
And February 2018 really sucked
And by the day after St. Patricks day I really wanted to crawl into a hole a just die. That was almost the worst day of my whole life.

Nothing helped.
Nothing was changing.
My garbage was stinking and cascading down on me when a little bird, maybe it was a high flying lark bound on some adventure whispered in my ear to ask again for help from the one person I knew would not lie to me. Sugar coat things maybe but never lie.

I hesitated for a week or so because, well I hadnt been in touch in so long and the last time I reached out.....I couldnt even remember what was said....thats how toxic and sick I had become.
But I had hope and love and faith that I could be helped and straightened out.

Boy did I.

I got my chart and my answers and a key. With this key I looked at my years horoscope and just cried and cried because gosh it looked like hell was coming for dinner. I closed the chart and didnt want to look at it again.

Hell did come for dinner

I could go point by point through my 2018 solar return and say yup this was this and that was that....but as I bravely look at it now I can say that my posts throughout the year have allready validated it...as well as each months lunar return.

But a funny thing happened that Im sure some of you are very acutely aware of, as I progressed thtough this year....thinking over and over and over in my head little phrases said to me and looking deeper and deeper into the underlaying message and meaning, I went through my psychological garbage, my character flaws and defects, my blessings and curses, my trines and squares and aspects. I didnt just look at mine, I looked at others who were sharing, others who had lived before in history, events that had happened, and so much more that my eyes hurt from looking but my heart never tired from feeling.

Its almost over. 2018 is just about done. And so is my solar return from hell. Just a little while now and I have will have a whole new year. This year is going to be different though because last year actually was my year. As hard as that may seem, for as soil wrenching as it was, as endless as the pain in heart seemed to be, the torment uncertainty doubt loss fear anger (lotsa anger) I feel It slipping away and a new current coming. I can actually feel it coming. I knew it was coming, because one cant just go through all there garbage and recycle reuse and reduce and not have room for new things. Its a culmination of a life cycle and it happens to everyone.
My dreamy stories are everyones dreamy stories and my pain everyones pain and my blessings are everyones. Im not special or unique or brave or sexy or anything that every single person also isnt. Im human. Im not a demon or a lizard or a unicorn, I have all the signs and all the planets and all the aspects that ever could there be, just like everyone.

But I have a soul. And my soul is my gift, my time, my bit of light.

Its the most prescious gift.

Im in love with a man who has a soul and to me its the most beautiful thing in the world.

Why do I love this one man so deeply that it shook me to my core and made me feel like nothing in the world compares?

Well, its that wild lark.

They say the eyes are the mirror to the soul. In astrology they say that soul work is where your midpoints are, where the unique energies of planets blend together, in a form of yoga, union, pairing.

When I look into his eyes I see his soul. His true self and he sees mine. I and thou. I cant explain it simpler. I get lost in the depths of his eyes.

He has the most exquisitely placed planets that join together in a grand conjunction of forces all around one planet.

Jim said, the only thing is my sun and moon aspecting his mercury.

Both my luminaries shine on his soul, where his luminaries meet and shine back out at me with so much love that it overwhelms me.

As a human having that type of expierence is unsettling, unnerving and in a way hard to believe what your feelings are real. This world makes it challenging to believe in such cosmic divine things.

I had to go through all my garbage of fears and jealously and distrust and self rejection to finally hear and understand what Jim saw and said right from the beginning.

When I first saw Craigs midpoints a while back I didnt understand what they were saying and implying.
When I saw them just the other day, i thought to myself about how much I really loved him and wanted him to be happy. I thought about the fact that my venus doesnt aspect that midpoint and how the female that hit on Craigs soul would truelly love him more then I did and would love him with no limits or troubles. I thought about it and thought about what type of person would have that. Then it came to me, because that venus to that midpoint would be a special love. I looked up the Chart of the person I thought would have venus hitting there, and I was right. She did. She is the love of his life and he is hers and Im glad. Its the one person he knows who my venus hits on too, who I loce too.....his mother.

It really is beautiful this world we live in. Even with its ups and downs and misunderstandings and miscommunications. I am so blessed to have had that intimate relationship. Not many people ever do. Our relationship composite chart was mind boggleing for me, but when I saw his sun mars venus pluto moon uranus all concerging near mercurcy.....and thats what I love so deeply about him and miss so very very much....

So my 2018 is just about mopped up a few more weeks and I will have a most beautiful sun moon opposition to bask in. Im in a good place now. Ive gotten rid of lots of negative stuff and Im excited about the future.

Jim you mentioned in my new solar return something about disempowering that neptune mercury conjunction? When I first saw that conjunction I actually thought it was a blessing that I was gonna write a sexy new fantasy book for all about a tribe in bengali who sings and dances in praise of blue diamonds. Wierd. I didnt see a need to do anything about that and was more concerned about catching on fire in a freak car crash.....

Primarily from Bradley:

MERCURY-NEPTUNE
Enthrallment, deception (misrepresentation), fanciful autistic thinking, impracticality (frustration of plans). Vulnerable to being deceived or making wrong decisions. Promises now made are unreliable (or worse). One has good reason to distrust the truth and sincerity of solicitations. Embarrassment from blurting out the wrong thing: Guard the tongue, ignore gossip mongers (and resist obsessing about whether their whisperings are about oneself).

Yea I know.
But thats not what popped into my mind when I first saw it. Eternal optimist. Always trying to see the best.

Placements like that conjuction are
why I have an angular Pluto.

I dont believe the eternal cosmos wants me to fail.
Its good to know what on the tests.

Jim Eshelman wrote: Sat Dec 29, 2018 11:51 pm Primarily from Bradley:

MERCURY-NEPTUNE
Enthrallment, deception (misrepresentation), fanciful autistic thinking, impracticality (frustration of plans). Vulnerable to being deceived or making wrong decisions. Promises now made are unreliable (or worse). One has good reason to distrust the truth and sincerity of solicitations. Embarrassment from blurting out the wrong thing: Guard the tongue, ignore gossip mongers (and resist obsessing about whether their whisperings are about oneself).

So this conjunctio coming up in my solar return is a pretty big thing. Espicially since the angular Jupiter is dynamically feeding it.
In a wierd way I have allready been working on de emphasizing it. I got rid of my facebook account and my blog and I am quite happy about all that distraction and stuff being gone. I dont talk to people from my hometown/ schooling anymore, dont care too, Im to emotional and sensitive and they all are neptunian hitting on my sun which breeds gossiping and all that.
Ive really had enough slaps in the dace from sharing my personal insights and acomplishes with my sisters, who love me enough to listen but then go tell all the rest of the family.
It hurts when I call someone to tell them some good news and they allready know. Joy killer.
Growing up with alcohol and drug addiction issues, I have never trusted promises. A promise to me is a way of getting out of doing something right now. I promise Ill take you to the park....never happens. I promise I buy you new shoes...never happens. The dysfunctional ism in that type of dynamic also makes me very distrusting of any and all solicitations. Watching Craig deal with his people gave me an ever deeper clarity of motives and why someone is being nice and patronizing.
Im glad in a way that all that yucky backstorey expierences in my life are there for me to reflect on and draw from during this upcoming year.
Im not a slave and now that I have been alone for so long, feeling each emotion as it comes and goes, clearly and not masked with anything or suppressed by things, or ignored or pushed diwn I dont feel like those points in the conjunction are really going to be bad for me. Its good to know that the universe is going to give me events in which I get to utilize my kindness in situations and to be true to my own real needs.

For someone who has this dynamic in thier natal chart right from the beginning of life, I can see how challenging life as a whole could be. How do you demephasize what appears like the world trying to take advantage, enslaven, and decieve you at every corner, or worse that one gets so wrapped in ego that one exhaults those traits inthemselves.

I would think one would have to not take things personally and to remain true to what is real and now and rememver that with this configuration the people and events that are seemingly trying to bind and control and manipulate are doing so out of thuer own issues and needs and drives and its not about you.

Its about how you consciously choose to live each breath. Happiness is a choice after all.

I dont know how else to de emphasize that conjunction.
If you have any ideas or input Id love to hear em.

Ps. On that nasty venus/saturn pluto.....now that I dont smoke Im going to start whitening my teeth. I reflected about things I am jealous of and white teeth do hit a nerve. So thats another disfigurement...in a unicorns world.

Funny thing,

For the past week since thinking of my upcoming SSR the tarot card The Aeon has been coming to mind and popping up.

Harpocrates is a powerful ergie.
My dad used to threaten to send me away to a convent to shut me up when I questioned him.
Hes a funny man but I think hes smarter and more loving then his gemini character lets on.

Nuff said about all that.

Jupiter Sets at Dawn wrote: Sat Oct 13, 2018 1:48 pm One other thing.
Getting old is not for sissies.
The biggest difference between the maiden and the crone is arthritis.

Thanks for this.
I have, of course, been thinking of the personal underlaying truth to this statement.

When I paticipated in a few "Croning" ceremonies, as the Mother, I told the new Crones how instead of shedding thier feminine wisdom and power each month, they now are Keepers of that Understanding and Wisdom.

I am sure you are deeply aware of the medical significance of keeping all that heat that we females have, and how that is a cause of the inflammatory nature of arthritis.

Me, with all Martian energies naturally, as well as that Neptunian transit to my mars, in allmost perfect synchronicity to my natural biological shift its no wonder that I have felt the pains I am.

I am ever so grateful though that for most of my life I took very good care of my body, and that for this year and the next 6 weeks I have a SSR that has T. Mars conjunct my N. Mars. Thats source of my extreme willpower this year to overcome some unhealthy food and lifestyle habits I slipped into.

I can see how my Scorpio Stellium can give me outlets for all this heat I can feel bubbling up under the surface.
Scorpios are all about Blood and getting blood flowing and pumping. We can enflame in so many different ways, on so many different levels.

Anyways thanks again. Im not going to end up like my dad or siblings, crippled with arthritic pain and deformity, Im taking big steps to change that predisposition and tendency.

Today I have these transits:

T Mars opposite natal pluto
T.mercurcy almost conjunct my dec.
T. Venus almost conjunct my moon/Neptune/jupiter
T. Moon conjunct my mercury

These transits are as well feeding into other aspects
Ie the t.moon to my natal Uranus and mars
T.venus to my natal pluto
T. Mercurcy to my natal pluto

Now the transits are the events in the world going on about me and my natal chart is how I respond....if I understand things.

I have a choice on how to respond.

I can hit high....or I can hit low.
Or i can ignore.

The Veronica that hits low would respond with a venom that is the bloodiest nasties primal force that would tear from limb to limb and leave a corspe to rot.

The Veronica that aims high would allow the nasty ugly event and say....its in that persons chart. It is nothing personal. Its not about me it about them and thier issues and their fears and weaknessness and challenges and they should given compassion and understanding and love.

The Veronica that practices silence and stillness and trust would just leave this here like this and not really say anything more about it.

I got news today that my family has been contacted by Eric, his mother as well as his girlfriend contacting my daughter.

Funny how they never tried to contact until Eric is being held financually responsible for the kids. Sad really. Sad for them, that when Eric and I were together all he wanted to do was get drunk high eat watch tv and sleep, and his mother only cared about the kids if my step kids were involved. You reap what you sow. I told them way vack then....if you want a relationship with children when they are older, form strong bonds when they are young bc kids wont want anything to do with fake people who are obviously only involved for the emotional satisfaction it gives THEM.

Eric honestly believes all I have shared here is a lie to get his money and that I am really secretely living the high life with Craig and have abandoned my kids and if he xan prove it then he wont have to pay child support.

What a sad thing that he only cares about his beer money.

Drinking rots your brain. So does all types of opium and cocain.

Jim I dont know how to resolve this. I dont know if it resolvable. I dont want him spying and snooping and sneaking around my life. My kids want nothing to with him until he has undergone the court ordered mental health evaluation treatment and drug and alcohol rehabilitation. But that will never happen.

I dont want him stalking or spying or contacting Craig or any members of my family. But he gets these twisted ideas in his head that he cant shake and holds onto like gold but they are just crap and lies he made up to deny his own personal responsibility for his life and the choices he has made.

Im trying to be the better Veronica. But as you all know I have an extremely strong blood thirsty side that can come out if the buttons are pushed. If he continues to harass my family or my loved ones I will have no choice but to......

Stop praying for him and hoping he gets better.

Maybe thats what you mean about dis empowering Neptune/mercurcy?

I have (and had) many Moon in Scorpio friends. You are the only one I know with Aquarius Sun (amongst other chart things) and into astrology.
I have a Venus-Uranus close aspect in Scorpio, and I like what you wrote about this aspect. I also feel I've been asked for more than I can give as if all of my attention needs to be on them.
We also share Moon-Netune partile and Moon-Jupiter

James Condor wrote: Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:54 am I have (and had) many Moon in Scorpio friends. You are the only one I know with Aquarius Sun (amongst other chart things) and into astrology.
I have a Venus-Uranus close aspect in Scorpio, and I like what you wrote about this aspect. I also feel I've been asked for more than I can give as if all of my attention needs to be on them.
We also share Moon-Netune partile and Moon-Jupiter

So you get where Im coming from.

Im so tired of worrying that he is going to get drunk and get a bug up his bum and act on all the horrible murder/suicide plots he would ramble on and on about.

Suicidal people are dangerous bc often they cannot comit themselves and so they try to force someone to take them out . ie suicide by cop or criminal or ex wife

I completely get what your saying about being asked to give more then you can. With Eric it was as if he was actually jealous of the attention I had to give to his own children. It was all about him and his mother did and his first wife and he didnt even know I was a person of my own. It sucks. Literally like he is a vampire and has sucked all the love and joy I had for the wirld out of me and Im just a walking zombie. Its hard to shake. Craig made me forget all that and I could smile and be happy and feel safe bc I knew Eric would never be able to confront or get the best of Craig. Craig is a real man and wouldnt entertain Erics bs if he tried.

I appreciate you sharing you understanding of my feelings. They are hard to cope with sometimes and gard to control and its always good to kniw your not alone and its a normal part of our humanity

Last week I was musing over all the positive things that I did achieve and accomplish this SSR. I know that attitude is everything and while this was a tough one, I adapted and kept my chin up and held on tight and worked things out.

Last year on my birthday I took myself to the casino all alone with 20 bucks and sat and watched the Olympics bc I had no tv at home. I bought one drink and played the slots for over 2 hours with just 10 bucks. My drink cost ten. I was scared and uncomfortable and felt awkward but I wanted to see the gymnastics so I pushed through those feelings and had a great time all alone.

I asked my dad for help with my eviction.
I didnt get mean when he switched up on me.

I learned not to talk to my siblings about things close to my heart unless i am prepared for the world to hear a twisted version.

I was offer a boat load of money to sign off on my injury and refused because life is not about money its about doing what you know is right for you in your heart.

I didnt have 2 thieves drawn and quartered for stealing from me, and I stood my ground and was able to work thing out with one, and scare the p iss out of the father of the other VBEG

I found a beautiful home for my children.

I got rid of 90% of what I owned and had a spiritual expierence processing my belonging for moving.

I climbed Great Grandfather Oak and buried a treasure

I had 4 totally awsome resume building job expierences

I did the right thing for my children by taking Eric to court and asking for more support

I went to the amusement park all by myself and rode rides and ate a great sandwhich and then met up with some people I barely knew and hung out for a great concert and learned what burying a horse meant

I saw an honest to goodness Unicorn in my back yard in my fairy ring and realized it takes one to know one.

I solved the mystery of how Komodo dragons reproduce in solitary confinement

My dad came and offered to give me money every month and buy me food if I needed (I havnt taken him up on it but I did let him pay the 150 to fix my door handle and window since)

I saw my dad pull through two major health attacks that really should have killed him and realized hes gonna die of old age since hes allready 87 so I dont have to worry

Both my kids are honor roll students and I get oodles of compliments about them

I got microsoft certfied

I applied to have my yoga certifaction updated and have been doing an hour of yofa a day as well as walking about 20 miles in a week.

I am working on getting my Holistic Healthcare Certifaction updated and enrolled in a new healthcare program that should allow me to work in a field I am extremely passionate about

I made major changes in all aspects of my consumption habits for the better.

I reconnected with my online friends here and felt a part of something I feel is very important and the true religion of our soul and grew enormously in personal understanding.

Im still in love and just blessed that he doesnt hate my guts for being so mean and breaking his stuff.

So even though my return had a whole bunch of hell that I dont ever want to go through again, I got through it and adapted and didnt let it suck me down to some visibly disturbed cat lady crazy bitter ol hag.

It sucks when your in the middle of what you feel is the bottom of hell. Its tight and cold and alone and hard and yucky. But with time and space and relaxing and breathing even hell upon reflection wasnt that bad.

Your Sun and Moon signs require freedom/ space along with Venus-Uranus. That'd be tough. I picture Aquarius getting married and divorced a few times

Yea James I can see why youd think that.
But i dont make contracts with the intent to break them.
I got married once bc I got pregnant and didnt want to bring shame to my family.

Im past getting pregnant so theres no reason for me to get married.

I had a 10yr relationship end bc he wanted to watch me have sex with other men and live a party life.

My exhusband tried to kill me.

Craig......well Im to much for him ....he has his own needs and Im not one of them.

It is tough.

I often wonder why the universe would make somebody like me who is tough to love.

I was wrong.

Im done making a fool out of myself.
My heart cant take it.

I may have some venus Uranus thing that seems cool or whatever.

But I also have a venus saturn thing too.

Saturn is Law.

Ill never get married again.

Im better off alone
Why else would the universe create a woman like me,
I have a million things in my chart that scream of love and needing to give and recieve love. but also of being alone and difficult and aloof and a bunch of other things like that.

I want more then anything my whole life to have a lover who understands me and still wants to touch me.

I think my chart is a classic love/death mystery chart. Liebestod.....i could write a book about that phenomenon. Its sad and the world doesnt need anymore saddness.

Hugs, V

Thanks my friend.

In my upcoming SSR
Am I correct that Jupiter is widely forground being near both my natal Dec and the return IC?

My sun is angular as well?
But in my return my Moon which is opposite my sun would not be forground as it is to wide from the angle?

And my. N. Pluto is also angular on the return so its like a double dose?

In another thread Jim explained this transit, which is an aspect in my chart and one I have heard mentioned about me several times which puzzeled me.

"There is a subtler side to Venus-Uranus, hard to discuss. I think this hard-to-discuss side comes from society's tendency to regard Venus-Uranus as taboo, verboten, not to be talked about much. The point is this: Other than the deepest existential seed of identity at the very heart of our psyches, nothing is deeper to us (nothing closer to that inner truth-of-self) than our authentic desires. (This is the truth Freud almost articulated correctly and just barely missed, perhaps because he regarded the id as a problem.) Venus-Uranus periods are stretches when we are drawn closer to what we truly, deeply, authentically desire, with less and less chance that we'll be able to ignore it and remain sane. (See Garth Allen's notes in the Venus-Uranus natal aspect section for something similar to that.)"

Ya know
Love comes in all shapes and sizes.
I dont care who you love, i care IF you love.

The thing that kills me
Everytime
Is how deceptive and sneeky and cheating people can be to each other.

I had a ol friend start chatting at me years ago. And it got sexy and I got attachment n caught up in my feelings.

And then he told me he was married.

I felt so bad for his wife.

He wanted to have sex with me and keep it from her.
That hurts. It hurts her and me and him.

He didnt want to have sex with us bc he assumed we would not be mature enough or what ever.

If a person wants to have sex with other people and they should be honest with that person from the beginning and say they are not monogamous.

The head and heart games people play are cruel and tormenting and just makes themselves less human.

If I love someone Im gonna have sex with them if the opportunity arises.

I am prepared to tell whom ever comes into my life that I love Craig and I always will. And I will always want to have sex with him. And if they cant handle that then that is thier issue.

My friend assumed his wife wouldnt want to have sex with me, to love me.

Thats a power and control and manipulation play and doesnt make any sence.

All these rules on love, when where with who ect are crazy.

If you love someone you should have the balls to stand up and say so and not worry about what others think.

People dont own other people like cattle.

One of my longest known friends B. Has three girlfriends.
He was upfront with each of them right from the start. Hes not interested in getting married or being monogamous that he wants to enjoy life and have fun. All 3 girls know each other and like each other and sometimes they have sex together but most of the time its just b. And one. I respect that. He isnt jealous or possesive and neither are they. It works for them bc he has able to articulate his deepest desires and needs to each of these girls and he left it up to them to get involved and love.

My ex J. Just wanted to get his own kicks by visually watching me have sex. No love involved with the other on my part. He wanted me to love him exclusively but let my body be used for his erotic fantasy. I was not down with that bc I dont have sex with someone unless I allready love them.

Once you have sex you are biochemically programmed to love them. Thats science.

I loved Craig as a child way before I had sex with him.
I think he was just to shy and insecure to ask me out back then.

Anyway. My venus uranus aspect does give me an acute understanding of what my deepest desires in a loving relationship and its to bad that society teaches people that they are sheep and slaves and should lie tothemselves and others about where there heart is.

If Craig had told me from the beginning he was not monogamous I would have still loved him.
But in his world whats good for the gander isnt good for the goose so he made up all those crazy lies to himself that I was having sex with others.

I have to much work to do to be on my back like he dreamed up. I was more upset that he was having sex with others without me....then the fact that he was sneeking around having sex with others and leading them and me on.

His current girlfriend wasnt monogamous back in school so Im sure she hasnt changed. She broke my bestfriends heart by repeatedly cheating on him. Its sad that people lie and cheat. There are only so many days in your life and then you die and have your review so....

Integrity matters.

People are so worried that another is going to come along and steal thier lover.
Thats so stupid.

MY pleasure:)
I loved it.
I found it surfing SSR
viewtopic.php?f=19&t=1174#p6891

I added more to that post FWIW

Jims understanding of nature reminds me of a circle that has no bounds

James Condor wrote: Sat Jan 12, 2019 11:49 am Your Sun and Moon signs require freedom/ space along with Venus-Uranus. That'd be tough. I picture Aquarius getting married and divorced a few times

James,
I didnt get what you were saying at first.
I was caught up in some transit.
If Im not mistaken or being vain
I think you were implying that for a partner it would be tough to give me my space and freedom?
Or were you meaning for me personally its tough needing my space and freedom yet having my venus Uranus sexual/desire needs?
Either way
Thanks for understanding

Hey!
Good news.....
2020 SSR has T Mars almost dircetly on my dec. (Which does though then square my pluto)
Wow
What on earth is THAT gonna be like.

At least that nasty saturn pluto transitting my venus will be farther away. As well as that T neptune hitting my mars.

Iknow i know...
Finsh up 2018 first and get through 2019 not burned alive....and then deal.....

Lordy lordy me with mats on an angle for a year!!!
And I did say I believed the univetse loves me right?

I

I dont understand something:

My natal sun is 4.20 degrees from my MC....which is not a vertical line but at a slant.

My natal pluto is directly at the bottom of my chart at 4.46 Virgo. It is square .0.34 the horizon line of the ASC/DEC. So I can see that as an angle and you listed it in my initial summary.

But if my sun is almost on top of that MC isnt that also concidered foreground/angular?
If so why didnt you list it...because the degree is so wide. I thought I recalled being told my sun was angular as well.

If that is so
Then would my SSR charts always have an angular transit sun?
viewtopic.php?f=53&t=229#p1549

And could my n pluto ever be double angled by being at the bottom and maybe having the IC/Mc axis line up during a return?

Veronica wrote: Mon Jan 14, 2019 4:01 pm My natal sun is 4.20 degrees from my MC....which is not a vertical line but at a slant.

My natal pluto is directly at the bottom of my chart at 4.46 Virgo. It is square .0.34 the horizon line of the ASC/DEC. So I can see that as an angle and you listed it in my initial summary.

But if my sun is almost on top of that MC isnt that also concidered foreground/angular?
If so why didnt you list it...because the degree is so wide. I thought I recalled being told my sun was angular as well.

Your Sun is most definitely foreground. It's not quite as close as it looks ecliptically, but it's 7° from Midheaven.

If that is so
Then would my SSR charts always have an angular transit sun?

No. On average, the SSR Midheaven advances 90° plus two or three ore degrees. That means that in 39 years it "walks around" the zodiac. You move through cycles where each natal planet in turn is foreground then not. (Natal and transiting Sun are the same in the SSR, of course.)

Your chart is a map. It's not representing a flat circle. It's a sphere. The Asc and Dsc are not due East and West, but are where the zodiac crosses the horizon line. The MC is where the zodiac is due south. The center of the circle is the zenith, directly above your head.

European charts (like from astro.com) show the sections of right ascension stretched or squashed and the zodiac signs all the same size. Most American charts show the angles all at 90° from each other with the Right Ascension all the same size, while the signs get squashed or stretched between them.

Neither way is wrong. They're just different ways of trying to represent a sphere in a flat map. Hold your chart up over your head with the ASC east and the DSC west, and the MC south and look a the face of it, not the back. That's how the map should be oriented.

Jim Eshelman wrote: Mon Jan 14, 2019 4:38 pm

Veronica wrote: Mon Jan 14, 2019 4:01 pm My natal sun is 4.20 degrees from my MC....which is not a vertical line but at a slant.

My natal pluto is directly at the bottom of my chart at 4.46 Virgo. It is square .0.34 the horizon line of the ASC/DEC. So I can see that as an angle and you listed it in my initial summary.

But if my sun is almost on top of that MC isnt that also concidered foreground/angular?
If so why didnt you list it...because the degree is so wide. I thought I recalled being told my sun was angular as well.

Your Sun is most definitely foreground. It's not quite as close as it looks ecliptically, but it's 7° from Midheaven.

If that is so
Then would my SSR charts always have an angular transit sun?

No. On average, the SSR Midheaven advances 90° plus two or three ore degrees. That means that in 39 years it "walks around" the zodiac. You move through cycles where each natal planet in turn is foreground then not. (Natal and transiting Sun are the same in the SSR, of course.)

Joy of Joy
I knew there was something important I was still forgetting.

I was sleeping still

My mother told me I was due on 2/14 but overslept.
Didnt want to wake up I was having such good dreams.

Very interesting/cool about the MC moving like that. Ill think about that for a while while Im awake now.
Thanks!!

Something really clicked for me today.

Maybe it was the T mercury and T saturn semi conjunct my venus.

Maybe the T moon semi conjunct my saturn

Or even t. Venus semi conjunct my jupiter/neptune/moon

Or maybe it was T neptune eeked a tad bit further from my mars

But it was like a fog lifted, or I woke up or maybe its my sons 18th birthday tomorrow and I saw myself through his eyes today...

What ever it was. It clicked and I feel much better.

Its been wierd not remembering
But I remember now

I dont know why it took so long.
Maybe I just needed that ego dissolving love drugged feeling so I could wake up a new and leave all the nightmares from Eric behind in a healthy whole way.
I dont know and it doesnt really matter.
My sun is shining
And tomorrow is my sonshines bday
And im gonna go play music and dance and bake him a cherry cake and ice it properly now that JSAD taught me how to.

Welcome back V! Each life has it's own blend of discovery and familiarity. And the discovery by necessity involves periods of being lost.

Avshalom Binyamin wrote: Tue Jan 15, 2019 9:51 pm Welcome back V! Each life has it's own blend of discovery and familiarity. And the discovery by necessity involves periods of being lost.

Thanks Av!
You are right for sure! The more I have looked into my chart and others the more I realize that we all share from the same cup.
I watched one of my favorite movies the other day Lilo and Stitch. The poor little science expierement at one point calls out "Im lost"
He had no mother or family. He was created in a lab.
I have a family. I have a history and a past. I have a personality and character and selfhood.
But I lost it.
I didnt loose it falling in love with Craig.
I didnt loose it marrying Eric, but Eric did cause it.
A funny thing happens in life.
In some mythology its said you divide for the sake of love.

Thats why it clicked the other day. It was the last day that my baby boy was my responsibility. Solely my responsibility. Hes a man now. He is completely accountable for what he now chooses to do.

When a woman gives birth, she has to put aside herself. She has to put aside her dreams and wants and needs in order to raise her young. Its no longer about what she wants. Its about what her baby wants. It dissolves your ego and gives you a completely different perspective.

I did what I had my heart set on since I was a little girl. I had a beautiful baby boy and I took care of him and loved him up and gave up everything I wanted from this materistic world so that I could give him everything he wanted and needed. I did that. He never went without. I did but I didnt care about that. Thtough his whole entire life if he needed me or anything I gave it to him. And I believe that is how motherhood is supposed to be.
You rip apart your ego and set it aside for sonething else bigger and better, a dream of more then just yourself and your selfish tangible desires.
Some men expierence that but most men I seem to know fight to keep there self, thier youth, thier ego and pride when they have a child. They resist and persist acting like a child themselves and thats too bad for them because they miss out on the true magic of what being a parent is meant to do. It is supposed to test you and stress you and push and pull and hurt and make you wanna scream, but you dont show it because the baby is watching.
My son is the most wonderful kindhearted good natured brilliant young man. He really is. Im so happy for each and ever choice I made to set aside myself and focus on doing the best job I could to raise him as best as I possibly could.
The men in my family are criminals, crooks, cheats and a host of other bad words that I am saying because those are words they use to describe themselves.
As a little girl my heart was set on raising a boy not like that. Not a drunk crook liar. He has exceeded his heritage in all ways. Hes gotten better grades, had better friends, awards from the school and community ect ect.
Id say Im proud, but pride is a word that irks me. It means a tricky thing, because to say you are proyd of someone means that it relates to you, that it was somehow because of you that tgey are great. So when a parent says im proud, they are really saying simply "i am great, it is because of me"

I did tell my son how awsome I thought he was today. I was driving him far away for weekend camping sledding trip. I told him that he has done and achieved more then any of the other men in my family for his age. I told him by the time all of the males in our family were his age they all had been arrested and jailed or worse.

He looked at me and gave me this smile that melted my heart.

And then do you know what my little angle said to me in a voice that I swear sounded just like Craig?

He said
"Its probably just because I can run faster"

!!!

I laughed and said "oh really, well keep running then"

James,
I didnt get what you were saying at first.
I was caught up in some transit.
If Im not mistaken or being vain
I think you were implying that for a partner it would be tough to give me my space and freedom?
Or were you meaning for me personally its tough needing my space and freedom yet having my venus Uranus sexual/desire needs?
Either way
Thanks for understanding

The former. I don't think it would be tough on you personally but more so for your partner

James Condor wrote: Thu Jan 17, 2019 2:34 pm

James,
I didnt get what you were saying at first.
I was caught up in some transit.
If Im not mistaken or being vain
I think you were implying that for a partner it would be tough to give me my space and freedom?
Or were you meaning for me personally its tough needing my space and freedom yet having my venus Uranus sexual/desire needs?
Either way
Thanks for understanding

The former. I don't think it would be tough on you personally but more so for your partner

I think your right.

In all 3 of my relationships, I believe that the men believed I was out chasing skirts in my much needed solitude. They didnt understand solitude means being alone...my moon/neptune makes me so burned out from social interactions. I need alone time to let my nerves quiet. They worried if I was off alone that some preditor/competition would come across me and be able to take me away. They didnt trust me because they projected a fantasy of some sex crazed party girl onto me in thier mind.
It was my need to get away and sort things out in my mind that was the downfall in those relationships.
It probably hurt thier feelings and made them feel rejected and shut out which was never the case. It was that I really have a hard time with so much stimulus. As a double hub I can bear a lot for a long time but when I have to decompress it is a self preservational need to get away that can make me literally almost jump out of a moving car.
Its how I am. Super duper allie upper sensitive. The needing alone time is the universes counter balance to that so as a human being I can function and thrive in my own way.

Is life bigger than our personal desires and without us, what is life . A paradox. Perception. The mystery of love and companionship. Relationships are challenging for me and I understand. I am conscientious and caring enough where it makes them challenging. Maturity helps to understand it.
After re reading your question to me, because it makes it harder on your potential life partners, it also makes it harder on you. But, I think if you focus on what you truly want and commit to that, then you can't have regrets, unless you are toxic. Until one is confident enough to make yourself...
I've been with woman who are toxic in ways but they don't know it. Its clear from there history. They don't see it. I usually don't see or understand every bit of it.
Synastry is big. I can be a turn off to some and turn on to others. We have blind spots. Bottom line though is not the tragic flaws but the comedic flaws. Life is too short for settling.

James Condor wrote: Fri Jan 18, 2019 7:08 am Is life bigger than our personal desires and without us, what is life . A paradox. Perception. The mystery of love and companionship. Relationships are challenging for me and I understand. I am conscientious and caring enough where it makes them challenging. Maturity helps to understand it.
After re reading your question to me, because it makes it harder on your potential life partners, it also makes it harder on you. But, I think if you focus on what you truly want and commit to that, then you can't have regrets, unless you are toxic. Until one is confident enough to make yourself...
I've been with woman who are toxic in ways but they don't know it. Its clear from there history. They don't see it. I usually don't see or understand every bit of it.
Synastry is big. I can be a turn off to some and turn on to others. We have blind spots. Bottom line though is not the tragic flaws but the comedic flaws. Life is too short for settling.

it does make it hard on me, because I do understand the fears and insecurities and I end up catering to his ego(ie attempting to reassure my fidelity, over compensating with adoration which makes even more suspicious and insecure and demasulinizes because he feels if he were enough of a man I wouldnt. Want to go any where)

I know exactly what I want and I do try to keep my focus on it. I want what my parents had. A partnership, a give and take, a dance of dance of the bliss of venus and jupiter, the eternal love of two souls who are fresh in love like a betrothed couple how cannot wait to be wed and who will do anything and everything for thier beloved.

I know what that feels like. Its in my back pocket like a picture in a wallet of a loved one gone away on a long trip. I can pull out that feeling when ever I need a reminder of what I truly need and want and it makes me able to resist the temptation s to fail that love and to persist in doing what my heart tells me needs to be done to bring that back into reality

I wont settle for anything else.
Everything else is a trap and a trick and a distraction.

I know a few Scorpio moons who are 36 and 38 and not married and never I am not married. Never been. I might think Venus-Uranus has to do with bachelors. Maybe Moon-Neptune too. Aquarius sun probably high in divorce. High in marriage though is counterintuitive to me.

I got married because I was pregnant and did not want an illigitmate child. That would have broken my fathers heart. I love my father and respect his wisdom and authority and values.
I divorced my husband after 15 years of abuse and numerous attempt s to get him psychological help. He chose to be a partier and rot his brain and heart with hate fear and dysfunction.
It was my angular aquarius as well as my scorpio moon that gave me the strenght to break away from that circus.

Marriage or the sacred bond between two souls is a deeply personal understanding and acknowledgment of forces greater then us ever striving for more expressions of love.

marrigae is aseed that was forged in hearts of two souls. It is beyond a piece of paper. Though the ceremony and celebration of love existing is important. Between two souls in love marriage is not important. In fact I would think in this day and age sometimes marriage is what causes to souls who love each other to drift away as they get mired down in the heavy mundane physicality of this worlds existance.

I dont want nor need a promise.
I want and need only love and time.

I agree with you in people can drift apart after being close. My experience shows this. Living with two partners before, we just got tired of it. Usually the closeness is attachment. One very important thing in relationships is to remain independent. Keep it fresh. Give space. No control. No games. Learn. Don't get jealous. Don't envy others. Respect the other. Be grateful.
And In this day age I would think people marry less. I would think why go through with it knowing the potential pain and suffering it can cause. But, there are many ways to love. And the beauty of a good marriage keeps hope alive.

James Condor wrote:

I agree with you in people can drift apart after being close. My experience shows this. Living with two partners before, we just got tired of it. Usually the closeness is attachment. One very important thing in relationships is to remain independent. Keep it fresh. Give space. No control. No games. Learn. Don't get jealous. Don't envy others. Respect the other. Be grateful.
And In this day age I would think people marry less. I would think why go through with it knowing the potential pain and suffering it can cause. But, there are many ways to love. And the beauty of a good marriage keeps hope alive.

Well put Mr. Condor.

Thanks Steve

Why go through with a pregnancy knowing it not only will not only hurt but possibly kill you?

Im not afraid of pain.
It sucks for sure
But i have a million and one nerves and as long as one feels good.....

I have hope for love everyday.
For myself
And everyone
And I cry when I see cute old couples walking hand in hand in the park because it is a joy to know that where thete is love there is life.

Out of left field with pregnancy thing. I won't blame anyone for pro choice

Why go through with marriage if it could potentially bring pain and suffering?

My pregnancy comment was in response to that.

Why love anyone at all. They could die any moment and there you are in pain.....possibly...for most.

Everyone has diffetent pain thresholds. The pain of loosing a marriage to divorce may not compare to the pain of loosing a long term lover/partner.....it depends on the person.

Into the Mystic
https://youtu.be/syIUmrSJWAU

So today was:
the conjunction of transiting venus and jupiter to my natal mars.
The transiting fullish blood moon opp. My natal sun
Transiting mars square my natal venus and opp. My natal uranus
And transiting moon square my natal moon

I woke up at 4 after some wierd dream about my mother in law trying to give me a baby bunny that was covered in fleas. I tried and tried to get all those bugs off but the burrowed down into its skin like a tick and I couldnt do anything for the poor thing so I let it go.

I changed up my morning routine and took my shower first and then did yoga and and meditation/prayers. I just didnt like how the dogs had been acting all crazy in the morning lately and I wanted to really be alone and not doing downward dog with a dog diwn under me like they have been.

It was nice and I think I am going to stick to this new routine for a while at least and see how they respond. My sheppard is really attached to me and doesnt lije me anywhere in the house without her lately, but it sonetimes is a real speed bump having to navigate around her.

After my work out I took the dogs out and it was still freezing cold and cloudy at 5:30. Overnight we had a new dusting of sniw atop the foot we got this weekend and it was the soft light looking powdery snow. It made the yard and trees look so pretty. It was cold out for the pups so I went in and had breakfast and got ready for work.

I was dissappointed it was cloudy.

The wind must have picked up or sonething shifted though because at 6:30 when I went out to start the car I was greeted by a clear sky and stars. I love cold cold mornings and starlight. Its like the light from the stars warms my insides and I dont even notice how cold it is.

It was still very dark and when I turned on the outside light I was greeted by a million stars on the ground twinkling at me like fallen wishes from heaven as the light danced across this soft bed of snow and each snowflake glistened back at the light from the bulb. Twinkling snow is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Its like each individual droplet of wAter is eluminated in a desire to be seen for its own unique and blessed existance. Like a living disco ball that nature created so us humans can dance when there is no music but the silence of the coldest air on the verge of freezing tight upon itself.

I was so happy. Seeing such beautiful thing in nature brings me such joy and lets me forget. It brings me right to the moment, like the moment of birth when there is nothing behind and nothing in front, just the birthing of the moment for all that it is. Nature is a blessing.

I had paused in that beautiful moment looking at the sparkling snow for what seemed like forever but the morning grew pale and my trance was broken by my remembrance of what else beside the stars and snow could show me.

I went around front and there in all its glory was what I longed to see. What I had waited months and months for and had been sad that I may miss due to clouds. There up in the sky to my left was the eternal kiss of bliss, of glorious beautiful venus and her lover jupiter entwined in a galactic dance that set the sky afire with their passion and made all the stars pale in comparison.

To my right was Momna Luna full and fat still, slightly orange and opaque shining her big bold clear face out across the heavens as if in a way watching and blessing the kissing act of those love sick planets who were so boldly and brazenly lighting up the sky that is her realm of dominion.

To see these three heaven bodies so clear and bright and powerfully owning the sky, while little me on each just a small dot of nothing made me feel triply blessed and oh so thankful that I had gotten to share this brief moment in time. I knew that in a few minute the earth world spin and the light would come and the event would be hidden from the eyes of the world forever.

As I drove to work it seemed as if the moon followed me and while I couldnt see them, I knew venus and Jupiter were there still, still kissing in the early morning freezing cold.

When I got to work it was much later and the moon had changed from the orange back to her normal greyish white. I have seen lots and lots of full moons and a good share of planets and their interactions. I love it. It brings me joy and makes me feel alive and apart of something beautiful and good and loving.


This morning though, I saw something I had never seen before. It took my breath away. I had to stop and turn my car around and pull over so I could see if it was real, becauae I didnt believe it when I first saw it.

I had been driving and thinking of love and thinking of how I once had been kissed on my forhead, I was laying down and he was laying on me, gently and soft as is his way, and he reached up with his lips and kissed me right in the middle of my forehead. It was the best most memorable kiss I have ever had.

I drove that morning in my car thinking of the heavenly kiss I had just seen and it reminded me of that heavenly kiss to my head.

And thats right when I saw it. The timing couldnt have been better. Ive never seen anything like it before. The fields were are covered in fresh sparking snow and the moon was hanging low in the west when I pulled around my car and there in the east was the sun rising.

Yet this was no orb I gave ever seen. It at first seemed orbish but at the apex, the center point of the rising sun there appeared the brightest cone of light, as if the sun it self was stretching up, a bright beam, a light in extension from the sun reaching up into the heavens. It was breathtaking and I sat there in my car and watched as the sun rose, minute by minute, reaching this beam up and out until at somepoint something had to give and the ray of light withdrew back down in an instant and all that was left was the normal rising orange orb of light. It was strange and magical and Ive never seen anything like it and it made me so joyful and happy and thankful.

It was a great day after that. How could it not be.

Steve btw
I think you played this song for me once
Into the mystic?
It was playing in my car this morning;)

V wrote:

Steve btw
I think you played this song for me once
Into the mystic?
It was playing in my car this morning;)

Our life is full of synchronicities which is always touching the mystical. Nothing like the sight of starry skies before dawn allowing our minds to connect with the mystical.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZ59spYH9mk

SteveS wrote: Wed Jan 23, 2019 3:51 am V wrote:

Steve btw
I think you played this song for me once
Into the mystic?
It was playing in my car this morning;)

Our life is full of synchronicities which is always touching the mystical. Nothing like the sight of starry skies before dawn allowing our minds to connect with the mystical.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZ59spYH9mk

Truth!

Nothing like the natural world to connect us with the mystical. Mind, body, heart, soul and spirit!
Thanks for tuning me on to a beautiful song.
It was out of the ordinary to hear it on early morning radio, but the whole morning was out of the ordinary.

It is thouse special 'out of ordinary' days with our mind absorbed in the natural world which are so special.

Its those good times
That help us get through the bad.

My car broke down again,
Serpentine belt broke
During the morning commute
No power steering and battery quickly dying
In a white out...bumper to bumper

No stars to be seen with the eye
But my heart remembered

Last year my solar return had t. mercurcy conjoined my sun.

I really was in a bad place for most all of the end of 17 and most of 18.

I am grateful that I had a safe honest place to come to get help and answers.

Im a private person most all the time but I needed to work that conjunction and get things out.

My mercury is now going to joined with neptune so I dont feel like empowing the negative aspects of that potentially challenging conjunction. I said all I could dig up from my understanding of the stars.

Im gonna focus on living the chart instead of looking at it.
Thanks

The party is over

So today is my new Solar return.

Venus Saturn and Pluto are conjunct my Venus/Saturn/Uranus aspect.

And mercury and Neptune are conjunct and aspecting my natal Mars.

Having a Venus Saturn aspect in ones natal chart is very life defining. Having that powerful conjunction brings certain patterns to the front.

As a person with her moon conjunct neptune and her venus mars midpoint conjunct the Decendant and aspected by Pluto gives a different sort of life espicially with an angular pluto and Angular Aquarian Sun.

The trick to keeping things in life moving forward is to synthesize and keep it real.

Its hard to keep it real. Life is full of challenges and its easy to get discouraged and live in a fantasy world built inside walls to protect our self.

But I got this kick aff Mars in Scorpio that isnt gonna settle for any passing fancy for a transit that disempowers that natural place of personal power.

I have a lot of flaws and issues and quirks like all people but I dont quit and Im not a coward and I bust my aff for what I know is right and true.

Saturn is the great Teacher. Its said he is cold and lonely and severe and disappointing and espicially harsh with Lovely Venus. Those are thought and perspectives some mercurian bound him with. Its a lie and gossip and not the truth as Ive expirenced it.

Happiness has to be found inside.

All aspects are blessings and gifts even the most seemingly harsh. It is up to the individual to strip away the lies and veils and find the gold that was always there but they were to blind to see.

I trust the Universe knows how to make gold. It takes Time and space....I know that for sure.

Happy birthday!

Thank you

Beautiful day so far
Im sure its only going to get better because Im cooking a new soup.

I love soup.