My personal Pluto H-bomb

[mikestar13]

I made it official: I am now separated from the woman I once called the love of my life in all honesty. But it was a lie when I wrote it on this forum last year, though a lie I also told myself, praying a dead relationship could be resurrected somehow, not least because the only alternative was being alone as long as I lived in the same apartment with her. The reality is that our relationship had been dying for me, maybe since my mother died in 2008. It has been written "a man can no longer deceive himself after he has thrown dirt on his mother's grave." Well, the guy who wrote that wasn't a Pisces, but that was when the first cracks in the illusion appeared. We are they the best liars in the zodiac because we're so good at lying to ourselves. A Taurus, for example, who wants to lie to someone has to tell the lie in full conscious awareness it is a lie. Us Neptune's children, not so much. I don't need any particular help analyzing the astrology of all this, Jim has already graciously done so by PM. My deepest thank, Mr. E.

WARNING: Definitely too much 411 coming.

Sue told Joshua all about it including, no doubt, a recitation of every wrong I have ever done and a fair number I hadn't done. Josh is utterly and absolutely furious, but he was quite clean about it when he visited me yesterday, and he is quite clear that we will have a relationship going forward. Sue I may never see again (her choice, not mine). Sue also told Josh a secret about me that she had sworn me not to tell him for time and eternity: while all of my lovers have been women, a fair number of my sex partners have been men. though I have neither been with a man nor wished to in over twenty-five years. The conversation regarding the gender as well as the existence of my "new lover" got pretty intense.

I pondered whether to write these words for quite some time. But I swear by Pluto, I will never again knowingly lie to anyone I even sightly care about even by silence. And I care about you folks a large degree more than "slightly".

The truth that broke my marriage is this: for me loving and being loved is not enough (though critically important), I need also to desire and be desired, to touch and be touched. Sue and I still loved each other, for that matter I still do love her (I won't speak for her), but one of of three isn't good enough. I could have handled relatively minimal, but non-existent was killing me.

Apologies to the board for this post. I am in compulsive truth-telling mode. I hurt like hell. For the first time in many year, I feel free.

[SteveS]

So sorry to see this Pluto H-bomb happening in your life Mike.

[mikestar13]

So sorry to see this Pluto H-bomb happening in your life Mike.

Thanks, Steve. It kind of feels like recovering from surgery. But in God's ultimate perfect plan, Pluto is a benific, as are they all.

[mikestar13]

An astrologer’s task for themselves is to seek the truth, find the truth, and then live the truth.

I guess I just graduated.

[SteveS]

Unfortunately, yep. IMO, your p. Sun partile 180 your p. Saturn timed framed this separation, also Venus & Saturn foreground your current SSR foretold this separation, using 20-20 hindsight. Ebertin from COSI Sun-Saturn:

Principle: Separation. Negative Probable Manifestation: suppression through others, separations.

In fact, IMO all of Ebertin's words for Sun-Saturn is dead-on for what is happening in your life at this current time frame. As Robert Hand use to tell his students:

We are always 'living' what our charts symbolizes we are living.

IMO, Principles of Sidereal Astrology timing through our charts is the greatest mystery in this world. Unfortunately Mike, your caught a nasty Saturn timing frame.

The only thing I know to offer Mike are a couple of quotes about harsh Saturn cycle:

"Saturn cycles has to do with acquiring spiritual understanding which leads to wisdom." Alice O. Howell

"The vehement appearance of the depressing and limiting Saturn influence in anyone's life is usually a token that the time for higher spiritual development has come." C.A.Q. Libra

Saturn cycles time our major separations in life.

[mikestar13]

My lawyers (Legal Aid--all I can afford) researched this, and if I were to divorce Sue, all but a small portion of my check (maybe as little as $35/month) will go to pay for my care. Her $1600/month income would not be adequate to provide a home for Josh while he finishes high school and just started making a living. But as it stands now, my check goes toward supporting my disabled spouse and my share of cost here s $0. So in order to maintain a household for Josh. I have agreed to stay married in name only until January 2020.

This will not actually constrain my choice of potential new partners that much. Due to the idiocies of the health care system in the USA, many couples who no longer love one another stay married iNO while other couples who love each other greatly have to get divorced INO., So legal marital status just doesn't mean as much to most of us seniors.

Mike, the synastry between you two ... I find it strange how you lasted for so long. And honestly, my first reaction, when seeing your post about separating, was a happy smile & relief.

Each experience is valuable and a teacher in its own right, and we hold on to something for as long as there's more we need to learn from that particular thing. But people generally tend to continue holding on for long after (by inertia, out of fear, etc.). It takes brutal self-honesty & real courage to break out of the loop.

Now that I can look at it with some objectivity, I really can see how right Danica is. Its funny how Sue and I got together. We had known each other about a year in a twelve-step program before our first date. Then ninety-two days afterword, we were married. Sue was a conservative Christian and wanted a "no sex before marriage" rule, which I agree to, though my own far more liberal convictions did not require it. We both found ways to cheat on the rules (she more than I), and this really hooked the addictive parts of each other. I am convinced had we followed the "rules" strictly, we would have discovered our incompatibilities and not gotten married, likewise had we ******* each other's brains out on the first date like we both wanted, we would have discovered incompatibilities when the heat died down a bit.

Yet I can't regret our marriage: we had some wonderful times and two wonderful children. Josh is the joy of my life--he's truly becoming a better man than I am, and no father can ask for more! David is waiting patiently on the other side, waiting to ease his daddy's journey to the stars in the fullness of God's time. Were the pain ten times what it actually is, still so worth it.

I'm crying my eyes out right now, pure Plutonian tears--looking at myself and my world with utter honesty, and breaking my own heart in the process. As the stars are my witnesses, though I will be Neptune's child till the day I die, I reclaim my birthright as Pluto's child. So help me Aldebaran, Regulus, Antares, and Fomalhaut.