Solunars by Aldebaran Sidereal Academy

I was thinking about my life throughout time and how socially I'd rather not draw attention to myself but instead remain alert and focused but not to volunteer my voice unless I really need to. Hard to explain. With family or close friends I have no problem expressing my opinion but besides that I usually tend to mind my own business. As far as going out of my way to socialize. Whenever I was outspoken I felt mean and cruel. But, I have learned to find my voice and the middle ground of negotiation/communication. When to hold them and when to fold them. I think I feel less is more.
In romance it has been a struggle to decide how to handle this. Do I speak. I had a phase of being more open to express my immediate thoughts to girls I was interested in. Most of the time I've kinda coasted and let others give me signs and go from there. Of course nobody wants to be rejected. Maybe I feel a lack and not worthy. I’ve never went after the ‘one’. The biggest crushes are scary. I mean I just get mad and down if they wouldn’t give me the time. And I get mad if it doesn’t work like I want.
At work I think I am different though in that I want to achieve success. I want to understand school and work. I wanted to do my best in school and work. I don't like telling others what to do and I'd rather try and be mindful in reasoning. I do need more patience though. I can loose patience with others "bad" habits or 'annoying' tendencies. Then I am put in a bind and I can get mean.

Any thoughts on what this could be natally?

James Condor asked:

Any thoughts on what this could be natally?

IMO James, your Natal trouble natal spot is the cnj of Mars-Pluto in the 7th house, with mundo Mars 4,22 cnj Dsc. But I think you have a very good conscious grip on this malefic energy. I also think this Mars-Pluto aspect is working benefit manifestations in your life, particularly concerning your career work. Its only when we become conscious of our Natal troubled spots and other troubled charts that we can lessen certain malefic outcomes.

I could look at this several ways in your chart. Please notice that in what follows I'm not saying, "You are this way or that way," or even, "This is the issue!" I'm just observing things that I think might be true and might be relevant.

Two branches of ideas come to mind, one based on social-connecting vs. withdrawing, and the other based on (I suppose we could call it) style of social involvement.

On the former, neither Saturn nor Pluto is foreground, though Mars is foreground and is conjunct Pluto closely. I was looking at your description of finding yourself "mean and cruel" when you'd speak up. One significant part of your character is a reflex for aggression (there are other parts that tame or constrain this) so that might be true, or there be enough truth in it that your psyche set an alarm for you. What I think is the underlying issue, though, is that Mars-Pluto people often have (from early life context) trouble explaining anger. They sit on it, the anger builds, and along the way they aren't getting practice in expressing it appropriately. Even with a little pressure, there is a tendency not to trust themselves simply because they don't have enough experience expressing it and seeing how people react and finding boundaries and limits and styles, etc. So, the pressure builds even more, and the natural thing is for it to come out inappropriately (out of context) at awkward moments. In a social situation where you are relaxed and trying to just have a good time, inhibitions relax more easily; when you catch yourself at this, it feels even more risky.

Or something like that. I think you can find the right mix of all those "maybes" to sort out something about yourself.

In contrast, we can look to see if the most social planets are active. They rally aren't. Venus is middleground, debilited, conjunct Uranus (so you are wired to be the most ordinary dude in your social circle). Jupiter, despite ruling all that Sagittarius, is itself background (though well-placed by sign) and a bit awkwardly aspected. So, against a Pluto conjunct a foreground Mars, you don't have the most keenly social planets foremost in your psyche. I'd guess that socializing "isn't all that important to you" except to the extent that it's important to everyone a certain amount.

In terms of social style, I circle back to the Sagittarius Sun (and, more broadly, your Pisces Moon with it). Sagittarius is innately judgmental (part of the comparison mechanism of setting high standards in all things). A couple of things spin out of this. First, since you are naturally judging, it's natural to project that others are judging also. You judge yourself, you probably have worry about others' judgements, both give a bit of distrusting yourself to be at easy and "whatever comes out."

Going back to Mars, its Libra placement has challenges. Mars in Libra is always a bit socially "odd." Extreme cases could be called "disreputable." They tend to be "black sheep" in their families, a bit on the social outskirts. Other than the small percentage that are outright socially destructive and a few lovable scoundrels, more are a bit "socially misfit." (This also makes them terribly interesting, in my experience: "Odd" is interesting and enjoyable!) That you have Mars AND Saturn AND Pluto in Libra probably amplifies this a bit.

Those are some thoughts. Wear only the shoes that fit (but I'd love to hear your feedback).

Thank you Steve and Jim. I am glad I was able to bring up my issue here and I think you both helped in your assessments.

I’ve had too many issues/struggles in my life socially with misunderstandings and how much to give and take, how to fit in and being at peace with my frustration /tension/ anger is a struggle. I can be too much whether I speak up or not (perceived/tension). I can be too aggressive or offensive (perceived tension/anger) but mostly I am boiling inside unless I make peace with it and remain objective (this takes mental reflections). I’m mostly fair and respected/respectful. I have integrity. I have learned to be more loving and need to train myself constantly to be more clear in communication as to not offend and be respected and to respect others. I value being fair,respectful. But I don’t want b.s. and prefer purity of expression in a decent manner.
Allot of this comes from being bogged down with routine. I get mad seeing the same things over and over. But most of it is the understanding frustration/tension/anger/judgements. But, again, I have made many positive improvements on this. I have been able to notice my struggles and make positive changes and practice healthy habits. Staying consistent is key and takes much effort. I have other positive qualities to help counter at times.
I am usually drained after socializing unless with one or two people who really get me. It’s true Jim that being alone comes easy and socializing or making connections is not priority. I have seen worse though. I’m lucky to take care of myself and be educated and I know how to have fun if. I not a stick in the mud. I am not boring. I can be a good conversationalist.
I am the only sibling of 4 not to be married. I have had more sexual partners but less relationships than any sibling.
I agree about me being too judgmental and in effect believe others to be judgmental too. Yes, ease of trusting “what comes out” is in conflict with wanting to be more firm and direct and also to keep reputation.
The 7th house malifcs and rising Mars in Libra. Makes allot of sense.