Solunars by Aldebaran Sidereal Academy

Originally posted by myself on Sat Oct 15, 2016 12:15 pm while I was sickly into my Neptune-Venus transit
All times of posting here are in MYT/UTC+8

So do you guys still remember that I now like a schoolmate?

My love on him is unlike the "sparks of lightning" or "butterflies" I had on my Dallas crush. It seems like a flame powered by love, (update 14/05/2017: I now believe it was more powered by physical attraction rather than love) and whenever I see him, it feels like someone has poured kerosene into it. Stationary Pluto was squaring the MC during our closest encounter—and out of the blue there he was just a metre away from me and I could've buped into him if I wanted to, and with stationary Pluto squaring the MC at that time you probably already know how jolting that close encounter must've been.
As you'd expect any love of mine to be, he's absolutely good-looking and cute. Looks better than my Dallas crush IMO. Gracefully masculine. Looks similar to some Indian actor. He's two grades younger than me, and I'm in the final year of high school. School ends at late October for him, while for me at late November since I have exams. We've exchanged pretty intense stares. Believed that he and I should at least be together even for the shortest while. Couldn't afford to lose him, so I sent him countless letters anonymously but with no reply from him. He's frighteningly silent, maybe he doesn't know me, but he probably does since my sister who's also in his grade knows that I like him. No she didn't get to know that I like him through me. I don't know how she knew it, and God know's who else knows about this. Once he even asked who I am from my classmate. Months of yearning and confusion have past.

Yesterday my friend showed me his (my school crush's) newly-opened Instagram account. His profile picture had a woman beside him and it's a bit too intimate to be a picture between friends or family. Went to her Instagram account and her profile picture also has him in it. Ironically her name's a Kxxx Rxxx just like mine. So she's most likely his girlfriend. Got 100% devastated and I still am. I feel like I've made a fool of myself. I did ask him in one of my letters to just tell me if he's already taken or not interested at all, but he's so silent. Why should he bother telling that to me anyway? Like who am I?

I now feel like saying sorry to him personally but I think I'll only make a fool of myself again. Maybe I should stay silent and move on with my life, but I really wanna talk to him, at least to listen to his voice that I never heard even once. I now feel why some people are too afraid to fall in love. I also feel how these sequences of events in my life are adding up to my upcoming intensely depressing and distancing Saturn-Neptune SSR I'll face in less than a week's time. What's making feeling more depressed is that I couldn't cry even when I truly wanted to. Makes me question myself on whether my love on him is real. Fine, maybe's it's just another crazy obsession.

He's born on the 16th of January 2001, probably at Klang too. Our closest co-aspects:
His Mars 90°to my Uranus (partile if he's born before around 6pm)
His Mars 180°to my Saturn (thankfully not partile, whenever he's born on that day)
[Update 14/05/2017: This above aspect probably ruined everything...plus perhaps the aspect below too]
His Sun 90° to my Sun (partile regardless of birth time)
His Uranus to my Moon-Mercury square, partile to both

For some reason I also believe that he's born around when his either-Virgo-or-Libra Moon is between my Venus-Pluto square's midpoint at 29°Virgo. If so, then his Moon will be semisquared by my Venus and Pluto, which kind of tells, somewhat.

Notice that both him and my Dallas crush have their Suns at 1-2°Rim (like me) and their Venuses at 18°Hub (I have my Venus-Pluto at 15°Hub). And that there's a partile Mars-Uranus association between myself and them, where I'm Uranus to my school crush and I'm Mars to my Dallas crush. What a scarily repetitious pattern.
Interestingly, Solar Fire shows my true Lilith (by default, SF displays the mean Lilith) at 18° Scorpio, a hub sign. Seems slightly revealing, but I don't know whether is the Tropical association of Lilith to " "fated" but possibly painful love" true or not. Anyone there to see whether is Lilith involved in any of your relationships, at least for curiosity's sake?

My school crush's name starts with "Ra", a Tamil letter designated to the third pada/quarter of the Chitra nakshatra. Indians usually name their children after the letters designated to each quarter of their child's birth nakshatra, but if no desired name can be found by the letter designated to the birth quarter of the child's nakshatra, then the parents can choose a letter designated to some other pada/quarter of the child's birth nakshatra.
So there's a good chance of him being born in the third quarter of Chitra in Lahiri, which means he could be a really-late-Virgo or a Libra Moon in the Fagan-Allen zodiac. Libra Moon could explain his beauty, but he could have the Moon in Virgo and still be in the third quarter of Chitra in Lahiri since there's a chance of him having Venus on the Zenith or MC, which could also explain his beauty. If his Venus is at Zentih, my Venus is at his IC. And his Moon is at 0~ish Libra when his descendant would have my Uranus on it.

I feel like a jerk right now and I don't know what to do. I need a hug, please.

P.S. Sorry that I keep posting about my love life...

Jupiter Sets At Dawn on Sat Oct 15, 2016 2:42 pm

Jupiter Sets At Dawn wrote:(((Hug)))
No, don't contact him. He didn't answer you when you wrote before. I think that's pretty clear. He's not interested.
When you contact someone and they ignore you, take that as a hint that they're not interested. It's called a "soft no."
Love, to be real, has to be reciprocated. Just slow down, take a deep breath, and enjoy this time. Love will never be sweeter than it is right now, even if (especially if) the other person doesn't know you exist.

TheScales_BothWays on Sat Oct 15, 2016 5:24 pm

Jupiter Sets At Dawn wrote:(((Hug)))

*Receives hug* Thank you for replying.

Jupiter Sets At Dawn wrote:No, don't contact him. He didn't answer you when you wrote before. I think that's pretty clear. He's not interested.

Yeah.

Jupiter Sets At Dawn wrote:When you contact someone and they ignore you, take that as a hint that they're not interested. It's called a "soft no."

Even one of my friends said that—it was random, so I got confused and I didn't take it seriously. I probably should have.

Jupiter Sets At Dawn wrote:Love, to be real, has to be reciprocated.

Very true.

Jupiter Sets At Dawn wrote:Just slow down, take a deep breath, and enjoy this time. Love will never be sweeter than it is right now, even if (especially if) the other person doesn't know you exist.

Sigh, I don't wanna love him anymore. Not with knowing that he's committed to someone else. Maybe I'd still love him anyway, (update 14/05/2017: yeah I did) I don't know—shouldn't have bothered to fall for a straight guy in the first place.
Yeah, times were sweet when I liked him one-sidedly, before I wanted my love back from him.
Perhaps I should go to my 2015 self when I was early in my Neptune-Venus transit; loving nature, beauty, art, and Autumn—not people.

Yesterday (before I got to know that he's committed) I sent him another letter filled with bitter sarcasm and scoffs so that he'll at least respond through annoyance. At first I felt a bit bad since I never meant anything that I've written in it, but now I feel better since I do.
Heck, yesterday transiting Venus aspected his Saturn and vice versa, if he's born before ~6.30 pm.

Arena on Sun Oct 16, 2016 1:37 am

Arena wrote:Sorry to hear about your sorrows Scales. (((HUG)))

I know romances can be really intense at this age, but it isn't about gay or straight. He could have been gay and still turned you down. I still remember my first intense teenage crush. I was 14 and had been in school with this guy from age 6! All of a sudden he just was the most beautiful creature on the planet (or at least in that small town) and in class I was always trying to look at him and watch his moves. To me he had the greatest voice and funny way of being that was fascinating to me. He was a bit odd and not the type that all the girls fell for at all. (I always like the odd guy out ) At the time, I felt this intense need to tell him - but when I did and he said he did not feel the same, it was heartbreaking. I still remember it 30 yrs later as if it were yesterday I still think he is cute when I see him.

Just last year he came to my reunion party and got a bit drunk and gave me compliments on my looks. And since he has never been that kind of chocolate guy who is always giving women around him compliments, I know it was sincere from him. I didn't give anything back ... but it made me feel quietly calm and warm inside

Those teenage crushes can really last a loooooooong time

One advice I do feel I can give you after reading your post is this. Do not send people letters when you are in such an emotional state. Write them, but keep them until the next day or for a few days. Then read them and ask yourself if you really want to send them.

Jupiter Sets At Dawn on Sun Oct 16, 2016 2:25 am

Jupiter Sets At Dawn wrote:Scales, I hate to mention it, but getting love letters, especially anonymous letters, if the feelings are not reciprocated, can be pretty upsetting. If you wrote someone who doesn't know you and tried to annoy him, that could even be dangerous. Trying to provoke a reaction, even an angry one, is not the way to someone's heart. And you say this guy probably knows the letters are from you because your sister may have told him. I think if your letters were welcome, he wouldn't be staring intently at you. He would have written back.

I hope you don't mind, but I'd strongly suggest not writing any more letters, either to this guy, or to anyone else till you know your interest is welcome. If someone is interested in you, you can tell - when you smile at him, he'll smile back. Straight or gay, that might just mean he wants to be friends and nothing more, but if someone doesn't smile back at you, there's no path to a relationship there.

Jim Eshelman on Sun Oct 16, 2016 7:38 am

Jim Eshelman wrote:I'd add: Remember that the idealism of Venus-Neptune (which is the most active force in your life until your birthday) is pursuit of unattainable love.

TheScales_BothWays on Sun Oct 16, 2016 9:03 am

Arena wrote:Sorry to hear about your sorrows Scales. (((HUG)))

It's okay, Arena. *Receives Hug*

Arena wrote: He could have been gay and still turned you down.

Yeah. But not with my Uranus squaring his Mars he would.

Arena wrote:At the time, I felt this intense need to tell him - but when I did and he said he did not feel the same, it was heartbreaking. I still remember it 30 yrs later as if it were yesterday I still think he is cute when I see him.

I'm so sorry.

Arena wrote:Just last year he came to my reunion party and got a bit drunk and gave me compliments on my looks. And since he has never been that kind of chocolate guy who is always giving women around him compliments, I know it was sincere from him. I didn't give anything back ... but it made me feel quietly calm and warm inside

Aww, that's so cute! And I'm pretty sure that would've sufficed.

Arena wrote:Those teenage crushes can really last a loooooooong time

Hmm. Yeah.

Arena wrote: Do not send people letters when you are in such an emotional state. Write them, but keep them until the next day or for a few days. Then read them and ask yourself if you really want to send them.

I did that to most of my letters—my last one sadly was an exception.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jupiter Sets At Dawn wrote:If you wrote someone who doesn't know you and tried to annoy him, that could even be dangerous. Trying to provoke a reaction, even an angry one, is not the way to someone's heart.

I have to agree, and especially so since we have Mars-Saturn, he's Mars and I'm Saturn, so I've must have hurt him, and Mars retaliates according to Jim's interpretation. Thankfully he didn't—yet. Sadly I got too impulsive. I'm sorry—to him too.

Jupiter Sets At Dawn wrote: And you say this guy probably knows the letters are from you because your sister may have told him.

No, I meant that somehow my sister got to know that I like him. I think she knew it from some small rumour, and knowing me, she probably believed it was true. She's indifferent about it though. And my school crush probably knew it was me before the rumour surfaced. What makes me worry is that she probably knew that he's taken and she could've just told me earlier, but she didn't.

Jupiter Sets At Dawn wrote:I think if your letters were welcome, he wouldn't be staring intently at you.

It's me who stares intently at him. Then he stares back. He isn't the one who stares at me first. But I get your point.

Jupiter Sets At Dawn wrote:If someone is interested in you, you can tell - when you smile at him, he'll smile back. Straight or gay, that might just mean he wants to be friends and nothing more, but if someone doesn't smile back at you, there's no path to a relationship there.

Sadly never did I smile at him, and I don't know how'll he respond if I smile at him now.
I wanna settle this by sending one last sorry letter and then maybe try to look at him with a gesture of guilt, but you said to not to send any more letters, so I don't know.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jim Eshelman wrote:I'd add: Remember that the idealism of Venus-Neptune (which is the most active force in your life until your birthday) is pursuit of unattainable love.

Sigh!

Jupiter Sets At Dawn on Sun Oct 16, 2016 9:55 am

Jupiter Sets At Dawn wrote:Don't send any more letters! You already tried to provoke him, and his Mars to your Saturn could leave you limping for a long time.

And don't smile at him. If he was going to smile at you, he would have already. He didn't smile. You stared and he stared back. That's how humans challenge each other. Please don't stare at people anymore. Especially young men.

TheScales_BothWays on Sun Oct 16, 2016 1:23 pm

Jupiter Sets At Dawn wrote:Don't send any more letters! You already tried to provoke him

I want to send a sorry letter, i.e. I want to beg for forgiveness, not to arouse anger and annoyance in him.
But fine, I won't send any more letters to him. I'll let him be, let him do whatever he wants, with his girlfriend or without.

I wish all this never happened though—he's not the type of person I'd like to be hostile with. I'm totally fine with being just friends with him, but as always (emphasis added!), this Neptunian has screwed everything up when trying to make things happen. Yay me.

SteveS on Sun Oct 16, 2016 10:07 pm

SteveS wrote:Those teenage years are rough when it comes to relationship 'crushes'. I never will forget when I had my heart broken with my first female crush and though I was going to die with the emotional pain of realizing she did not feel the same way about me as I did her. Everyone experiences the ‘teenage blues’ years where they feel trapped and somewhat desperate, but I guarantee Scales—you will eventually grow out of the ‘teenage blues’ years and will find a true relationship which satisfies you on several levels.

Add 14/05/2017:

SteveS wrote: Everyone experiences the ‘teenage blues’ years where they feel trapped and somewhat desperate, but I guarantee Scales—you will eventually grow out of the ‘teenage blues’ years and will find a true relationship which satisfies you on several levels.

God bless, someday, I will.

TheScales_BothWays on Tue Feb 28, 2017 12:44 am

Jupiter Sets At Dawn wrote:Scales, I hate to mention it, but getting love letters, especially anonymous letters, if the feelings are not reciprocated, can be pretty upsetting. If you wrote someone who doesn't know you and tried to annoy him, that could even be dangerous. Trying to provoke a reaction, even an angry one, is not the way to someone's heart. And you say this guy probably knows the letters are from you because your sister may have told him. I think if your letters were welcome, he wouldn't be staring intently at you. He would have written back.

I hope you don't mind, but I'd strongly suggest not writing any more letters, either to this guy, or to anyone else till you know your interest is welcome. If someone is interested in you, you can tell - when you smile at him, he'll smile back. Straight or gay, that might just mean he wants to be friends and nothing more, but if someone doesn't smile back at you, there's no path to a relationship there.

Rereading this arouses the feeling of guilt in me, sigh.

Jupiter Sets At Dawn on Tue Feb 28, 2017 1:29 am

Jupiter Sets At Dawn wrote:

TheScales_BothWays wrote:Rereading this arouses the feeling of guilt in me, sigh.

(Added emboldening yours...)
It's normal to find things you did under a Venus-Neptune influence embarrassing later. That feeling is what keeps you from repeating your mistakes.
Don't dwell on it. Just take the lessons for next time. Because you will embarrass yourself again. Keeping up with your transits and progressions will help you avoid doing it publicly.

TheScales_BothWays on Tue Feb 28, 2017 1:39 am

Jupiter Sets At Dawn wrote:

TheScales_BothWays wrote:Rereading this arouses the feeling of guilt in me, sigh.

(Added emboldening yours...)

I know, I emboldened and increased the font size of some of your words to add emphasis on which of your words made me feel guilt the strongest. The fact that you wrote them is no big deal.

Jupiter Sets At Dawn wrote:It's normal to find things you did under a Venus-Neptune influence embarrassing later.

Indeed. Lots of embarrassing things, like my past rants about my love life in this forum as well. So immature, tsk-tsk.

Jupiter Sets At Dawn wrote:That feeling is what keeps you from repeating your mistakes.

I'm afraid I might commit them again though.

Jupiter Sets At Dawn wrote:Don't dwell on it. Just take the lessons for next time. Because you will embarrass yourself again. Keeping up with your transits and progressions will help you avoid doing it publicly.

Yeah.