I have acutely felt disconnected from The Mother in all sence of the word and do not find any comfort at all in the concept of Gaia personally even when I try with all my might.
Its horrible and I have never felt so disconnected from that source my entire life.
I have always felt you experience Gaia through Nature in the outdoors like the native American Indians and other ancient cultures who recognized Gaia as a nurturing mother principle from Outdoor Nature, its the Sacred Feminine of Nature on our Planet. But I definitely believe you were cut off from Gaia with a non nurturing Mother, which I see as a direct manifestation of your mundo Moon-Saturn. Gaia can communicate to all of us in many different ways through Nature in the outdoors.
Jim Eshelman wrote: Mon Sep 20, 2021 2:05 pm
V, there is also a traditional recognition of Aquarius Sun being ultimately without family in the sense of the scriptural, "Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?" (Including the subtle extra meanings when read in context.)
Ah, Matthew....interesting verses there. I had to go and read the whole chapter, plus a little in Luke about " If you dont hate your mother..then you cannot be my disciple."
being ultimately without family.......
imagine that, an orphan all alone .....it sounds so sad...like little lost Mowgli in the jungle. The Jungle Book has something to say about Aquarius and family too.
The most important person is the one in front of you.
your mother and your bro's can all be outside waiting for you, calling you, needing you.....but the person who has been following you and listening to you and been there all along.....that's family to the highest accord.
I have acutely felt disconnected from The Mother in all sence of the word and do not find any comfort at all in the concept of Gaia personally even when I try with all my might.
Its horrible and I have never felt so disconnected from that source my entire life.
I have always felt you experience Gaia through Nature in the outdoors like the native American Indians and other ancient cultures who recognized Gaia as a nurturing mother principle from Outdoor Nature, its the Sacred Feminine of Nature on our Planet. But I definitely believe you were cut off from Gaia with a non nurturing Mother, which I see as a direct manifestation of your mundo Moon-Saturn. Gaia can communicate to all of us in many different ways through Nature in the outdoors.
Steve, that is so poetic in a way.
I honestly had such an overwhelming experience of Spirit and Soul and Love when my sister passed that it has been hard for me to integrate all that information.
It was like an lsd trip, with out the lsd.
and so what I think happened as I was flooded with memories of Karen mothering me as a child, and memories of my mother that were wrong, or incomplete, or biased projections of my own psychological makeup and were not true to the facts.
so many memories were bubbles that burst when it really hit me how my mother is her own person with her own dreams and needs, and that I was naive to think she e lived just for me, just for my family.
I think one of my issues is that, well yea I superbly experience Gaia in the woods and river and the wilds of old forest. I always have. For me that's easy peasy, think of a tree and Bam Mother Earth is smiling me.
And that satisfied me and filled a need and was so obvious a source of the nurturing.
but, that's not really how I feel, as I drink my tea and look for Gaia in the ceramic cup. Gaia is the cup, Gaia is my broken car, the paint on my brush, the bleach in my laundry. every single thing, and non thing is apart of the feminine nature we call mom.
it is so easy for me to fall in love with a worm or a flower or a cool pool of water and find in the qualities inherent in those material things the nurturing that I need.
Most people can and easily can say, oh I met the Goddess on my walk in the woods and it wouldn't seem odd at all.
But if I told you I found the Great Mother Goddess in the bottom of my tea cup.......well that might cock some eyebrows at me and pop up a few red flags.
what I think is happening is that my own needs are shifting. my appetites are changing. and while I used to love going to bed and curling up in the mental visualization of being embraced by an all loving nurturing mother Goddess who loves me, I now see that image as a restriction and limiting of all the aspects of being a whole person.
Gaia, like me, is more then just a mother. She likes to shoot pool and play cards and dance and eat real food and to have time to herself. Culture hates this though and IMO it is this eternal virginal Mother concept that has brought about the environmental destruction that we are in. It's really too bad that culture hates and fears women's sexuality. The Crone is the more truthful archtype of where we sit as a species right now.
When Karen was passing she often lamented how her own children didnt know her favorite color, or even considered that maybe she was a person with her own dreams and a full vibrant life before she had them.
Last edited by Veronica on Tue Sep 21, 2021 5:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
Jim Eshelman wrote: Mon Sep 20, 2021 2:05 pm
V, there is also a traditional recognition of Aquarius Sun being ultimately without family in the sense of the scriptural, "Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?" (Including the subtle extra meanings when read in context.)
Aquarius Suns would feel this most acutely since the Sun is in detriment and the constellation is ruled by the not particularly family oriented Uranus.
Libra Suns would have a similar though less marked tendency, the Sun being in fall and Saturn exalted, but the Venus rulership considerably mitigates this. However some degree of this feeling is universally experienced by all humans, even Leos.
I experience this rather acutely myself, though for non-astrological reasons: my son Joshua is my only living relative with whom I am in contact. (I'm sure I have some children and grandchildren of the cousins I had when I grew up running around somewhere, but I don't know where they are, and mostly don't even know who they are.)
I would never try to find, listen, or be close to Gaia other than being outside in Mother Nature, completely by myself. Gaia will communicate with you if you listen in a calm quite place outside in Nature. This is my impression that Gaia is communicating with you when you post about your walks in the woods.
SteveS wrote: Tue Sep 21, 2021 9:05 am
I would never try to find, listen, or be close to Gaia other than being outside in Mother Nature, completely by myself
. Gaia will communicate with you if you listen in a calm quite place outside in Nature. This is my impression that Gaia is communicating with you when you post about your walks in the woods.
I think that most men are like that.
I think Mother Culture actually teaches you to be this way. I wish I could wave a magic wand and you feel free to tune in to Gaia when ever with whom ever. I would go hitch a ride into space to wave it over the whole wide world.
I've heard Gaia. I know what she has to say.
I read in a book that our essence is in a way, transposed and that is what is the distinction between Tropical and Sidereal Astrology. So that means that the world experiences me for example not as a Scorpio Moon, but a Sagittarius.
I think this is true and how people misperceive each other. I go into the woods to get away from Gaia.
I love Mother and all the wonderfulness of that dont get me wrong, but when I go out most of the time it's just my feet hitting the earth hard and my mind is inflamed with something I am trying to figure out in my head. It's not Snow White and bunnies most of the time.
No, I go and have always gone to try and have some sort of relationship with Grandparents. Those who you can vent about your parents too.
I learned a fascinating thing yesterday about Mother/Gaia, that I think is very relevant here.
The womans body has a Uterus. Men dont have one. It's the area a egg develops in a womans body. We lovingly call it the womb and its it said we quest to return to that blissful state.
A fertilized egg will grow anywhere. tragically. It will develop in the fallopian tubes or colon or worse. It will grow and parasitic attach itself to the host and suck off the available nutrients. It will often kill the host, and has no nice clean way out.
the Uterus developed as a prison in a way, a place where the egg could grow and do the least amount of damage and was contained. Women give birth at the point where they can now longer sustain the baby and themselves and self preservation ejects the life.
I never knew that was specifically the purpose of the Uterus and womb, to protect the mothers life at all cost.
I think that the common belief of Neptunian Womb bliss is a very one sided experience, which yes it seems like most people got loving happy emotions from there happy to be pregnant mom, but not everyone.
Of course: That Neptunian "interuterine bliss" was never meant to apply to the mother, just the pre-born.
Did you ever notice how much the uterus and fallopian tubes resemble the Aries glyph? That's one of three things Aries rules in medical astrology that look like the same basic shape.
My mother had an ectopic pregnancy, and came very close to dying.
It's not the mother's body that decides its time for the baby to be born. It's the baby's body that decides. When it's ready, the fetus sends out hormonal signals that start the birth process and keep it going. The fetus releases a flood of hormones to start the birth process including pitocin which decreases the fetus brain's need for oxygen and starts the mother's uterine contractions.
Jupiter Sets at Dawn wrote: Tue Sep 21, 2021 2:04 pm
My mother had an ectopic pregnancy, and came very close to dying.
It's not the mother's body that decides its time for the baby to be born. It's the baby's body that decides. When it's ready, the fetus sends out hormonal signals that start the birth process and keep it going. The fetus releases a flood of hormones to start the birth process including pitocin which decreases the fetus brain's need for oxygen and starts the mother's uterine contractions.
I'm sorry that happened to your mother. It happened to my sister too. Very serious and scary.
I had heard that too about the baby and hormone release, but this new article was saying that the mothers stress hormones level from her sustaining the baby reach a critical level which in turn signals the baby that the mother is tapping out so to speak and then the baby after receiving that gets itself as ready as possible and then releases its hormones to start the contractions. So it was more that the baby is content to develop in utero for as long as possible and only triggers the birthing process once it receives information that the mothers body is stressed to the critical point and cannot sustain its life any more.
Jim Eshelman wrote: Tue Sep 21, 2021 1:04 pm
Of course: That Neptunian "interuterine bliss" was never meant to apply to the mother, just the pre-born.
Did you ever notice how much the uterus and fallopian tubes resemble the Aries glyph? That's one of three things Aries rules in medical astrology that look like the same basic shape.
well, I admit I never quite picked that up and assumed it was going to be blissful for all involved. That is a romantic dream.
I did see several pictures showing the similarities of the Uterus to Aries, and a few very ugly Memes that were hateful propaganda saying that the Uterus resembles The Horned Devil Goat and that is why women are evil and league with Evil.
I also learned that the larnex in the throat and the vagina have extremely similar structure, which seemed to make sence in my Scorpio mind.
Veronica wrote: Tue Sep 21, 2021 5:46 pm
So it was more that the baby is content to develop in utero for as long as possible and only triggers the birthing process once it receives information that the mothers body is stressed to the critical point and cannot sustain its life any more.
I haven't seen that article. I think it's possible there's a conversation of sorts going on between mother and baby. I know the placenta starts sending signals it's getting old.
I joined 2 Facebook Al-non groups. They both had 10s of thousands of followers. I recieved an influx of posts, hundreds a day. About 2% mentioned The Steps, about 30% were people sharing that their Qualifier (that's what they call the Person in thier life who "qualifies" them to be a member) had died. About 60% were posts sharing the horror and the rest was Miscellaneous. It is an utterly devastating feed to have in your inbox for sure. I forgot so much, and to hear your stories from other mouths is troubling to the core but also somewhat reassuring.
A man posted asking how to cook for his daughter and got a huge positive feedback.
So....in my working the steps it is asked to "take a fearless moral inventory of oneself" which being the good hard worker that I can be I did, for my whole life I've been inventoring, archiving and investigating myself through, astrology and zoology and geology and law which are the best tools for that IMO.
In that 4th step work I learned what drives life and energy and by changing my diet to fit my own familia best I have been able to not react adversely for the most to the ambiguous and nepharious atmospheric environment that we all are living in.
So, I saw this guys post about feeding his daughter and thought I would ask if other Al non members had found success like I had switching thier families to a Keto diet.
Well, that stirred up an ugly hornet nest into my inbox for about 10 minutes straight and then my post was removed.
Maybe if I had prefaced my post with.....In my own personal exploration of the 4th step I came to see that since it is a family disease the whole family needs to be treated.... and gave a real scientific explanation about burning glucose vs oils, gut microbes, familia gut microbes ect, it could have been more helpful. It hurt my feelings and made me feel like, wtf I dont fit in with them, they dont want to really work and make constructive change.
The in person meetings have much more authentic work being consciously applied to personal, family and community growth.
Veronica wrote: Mon Sep 27, 2021 10:28 am
So, I saw this guys post about feeding his daughter and thought I would ask if other Al non members had found success like I had switching thier families to a Keto diet.
Well, that stirred up an ugly hornet nest into my inbox for about 10 minutes straight and then my post was removed.
That's just how facebook works. Don't let it get to you. I mostly don't post stuff to groups because there's always somebody who just needs a fight. But it's hard not to say something.
Veronica wrote: Mon Sep 27, 2021 10:28 am
So, I saw this guys post about feeding his daughter and thought I would ask if other Al non members had found success like I had switching thier families to a Keto diet.
Well, that stirred up an ugly hornet nest into my inbox for about 10 minutes straight and then my post was removed.
That's just how facebook works. Don't let it get to you. I mostly don't post stuff to groups because there's always somebody who just needs a fight. But it's hard not to say something.
Well, guilty as charged. Not that I consciously was picking a fight, but I was prepared to argue my perspective and experience.
I was overwhelmed by all the death notices, police calls, emergency updates and the whole insanity of it all. I didnt find it helpful at all and tried to share something that actually might help others.
It's ok, I really believe that other people in thier lives go through a personal inventory and search for ways to get beyond survival and are looking for ways to thrive. I dont need to promote anything.
On Sunday I had a great day getting together with family to celebrate Karens Birthday. It was nice to see everyone and sit and chat and paint a picture. That was my demi lunar day. I happy to set the tone of the month to a pleasant hue, but then yesterday Mercury sent my landlords into insane overdrive trying to conherse me into signing legal papers and making contracts and being very aggressive and bullish, more so then the normal daily annoyances I have been blessed with since summer.
odd how the first day was so calm feeling and light and full of laughter and food and fun, but the next just was things I didnt want to hear to coming me from just about everyone I talked too that day. I found out yesterday that I am only going to get 8 hours a week instead of 28 at this library job I took, which that was something I had repeatedly asked for clarification about.
So yea, I wont let it get to me. Winters coming and if I am staying here for a few more months at least I have to winterize this place up snug again.
Jupiter Sets at Dawn wrote: Tue Sep 28, 2021 2:38 pm
What would happen if you found a place, moved out, and notified your landlords by registered letter?
I'm not in an economic situation right now to give a new landlord a security deposit and first and last months rent. From the housing market here I would need between 5 to 6 thousand.
But when I do (hopefully by next month) I have the last month rent here already paid, so I would inform them that this would be my last month, so I wouldn't have to pay them that rent, and then at the end of the month they would do a final walk through, and I get my security deposit back and they get the key.
I've never had a landlord so I'm not sure exactly.
If I did what you asked about I would not get my last months rent nor my security deposit back most likely unless I took them to court.
It annoying all the noise and having them out in the yard. it disrupts my dog and bird, I cant talk on the phone because I cant hear over the machines, it's hard to concentrate and focus and I feel utterly creeped out looking out my windows and seeing him looking in at me.
It doesnt look like the local housing market is going to change anytime soon in my favor, so I'm just going to try and make as much money as possible and prepare for the worst.
I have every right to be here from what I have been told by legal help, just pay my rent and in Jan. if my state allows landlords to evict finally, then they can get a court date and evict me and a judge will have to tell me to leave.
I'm not creating a circus full of monkeys for these people and disrupt this nice home I made for my family. I'm just done with all the teen age drama from grown ups. I dont believe that they are hurting at all for any kind of money and are just looking out for themselves and thier personal self interest.
my orb in Mike's program showed much smaller? 100%
My SSR for this year has moon and mars widely conjunct my Saturn.
I think I am also feeling as well Saturn moving in Cap approaching my Mercury, square my Natal Saturn in my near future, then moving towards my Sun.....so I feel that Saturn is gearing up for aspects, and the work I do now will influence how those time unfurl.
at least, I'm thinking about that...I have been feeling a shift in awareness of the reality of the feminine nature, and concepts and experiences that I could only give lip service to before are become structured and concrete in a way in my psyche. Meaning...I am not at the Mother stage of my life anymore, even though I am still Mothering and a Mother, but Im not quite a full Crone/Elder yet either, but I'm on the threshold for sure.
It's very exciting and liberating in a way, to move beyond the Mother part of me and into something new and fresh and while seemingly at the end of life...seems even more alive and vital then when I was a child or a mother.
Wow!!
my landlady just blew up my inbox!
Wow.
demanding my lawyers name, demanding they inspect the home Friday with no dog, demanding I sign papers committing to be gone Jan 31, demanding that they start remodeling now......
holy wow, what chaos.
I cant imagine being so rude and mean, but I wonder if maybe other people have thought that I was. I know I wasnt ever intending on being mean and rude, and maybe they arnt meaning to come off so crazied and spiteful and all either....but it sure feels crazy and spiteful.
nice timing with Mercury adding to the retrograde mix now.
I have a call in to my lawyer. That's all the energy and interest I have for it really, I have so much else to do.
With a vengeance!
I was busy filling out more job applications online and she just kept picking a fight. It was very annoying how she just kept trying to bait me, with a million things but I was mostly calm until I thought of Orion being so sick ( nasty upper respiratory bug since Saturday) and how I didnt want them coming into the house and upsetting my family, and that my family,my kids, have rights too and if I'm not going to advocate for them then who will?
So I pushed back a little, nicely, and asserted that I need to know what they will be doing in the house, why, in what room and for how long, because I have to make adjustments and arrangements in my house to accommodate them.
So so crazy to watch her texts spiral into barely coherent phrases when I didnt immediately respond, and when I did I was just calm and factual and politeish.
and then it hit me about Mercury going retrograde today, as well as my demi lunar and my overall SSR this year.
Funny how the day of my Demi Lunar and the Day before were simply wonderful lovingly communication and spending time with family.
My Lunar return approaching is going to bring in some much needed energy and focus, and hopefully some wonderful employment opportunities will manifest from all these applications and tests I'm filling out.
I recall how my brothers each responded with disgust, horror and confusion when the subject of my mothers sexuality came up in conversation.
They were like....what? my mom is pure, she didnt enjoy sex, she didnt do "lude" acts, she didnt orgasm, she didnt need to be touched and loved and she certainly did not have fantasies about James Bond and Christopher Lee. She was a saint, and only had sex because of her husband.
It was a cold shower for them when she flatly told them that was the biggest lie they could tell themselves. Women enjoy sex just like men. Some women enjoy sex more then men, some less....but sex was meant to be enjoyable for both. If it wasnt then our body would not have designed all the nerve endings and brain synapses to provide us with the feelings of pleasure.
Most men cannot envision their parents making love, and especially cannot fathom the loving manner in which a woman/ their mother can sexually show her love and devotion and lust for the person she loves, ie...acting like a "porn star" and enjoying sex.
I dont fully understand the males enamoured feelings towards Virginity. It feels like a label created for selling slaves so that they could get more money for a person, by saying a woman/child was a virgin she was worth more on the market. It also seems to imply she was inexperienced sexually, so she wouldn't know any better if her partner was a lousy abusive selfish lover, so that she would be able to claim abuse or compare his sexuality to another. She would have no basis for comparison if she was a virgin.
I also think that as Cultures grew in understanding
that the males have a vital role in making babies, and didnt magically just pop out of a woman, that culture wanted to be able to claim paternal parentage, who's the daddy, which maybe led them to think that they needed to control a women's sexuality, because if she had sex with two men then how would they know who the father was. up till then human lineage had been Matriarchal and traced through the females, as you can easily tell who gave birth to you (in most cases).
last Thursday my Facebook account and my phone were strangely hacked.
Wednesday the landlord brought people in the house to check it out.
It's so strange to me how similar the events are, people going through my personal stuff for what ever reason they had.
The landlord took the for sale down yesterday.
My new lunar has the sun mars and mercury conjunct my Uranus and square my venus. Cant tell if that is more good then bad, Mars is certainly aggressive.
that conjunction also ties into my sun moon midpoint, and honestly after being hacked and my account ransacked and my home invaded I am so glad that I live my life following my heart and being me. My house is clean, and if that hacker had been my son or my brother or my dad looking at my profile, and my friends and my messages they would just laugh at me for being silly and sharing love and light and a mild case of paranoia.
This week has been so exciting watching all the fungi and mushrooms and molds take over the forest. Hundreds of varieties are just popping up all over. I am a long time fungi fan and this is the best time of year to go find them and take pictures. I found an exquisite variety of purple Turkey tail yesterday growing on a silver birch, and the strangest collection of fungi growing in the wild strawberries, I ate one of the strawberries and it tasted like a mushroom (please do not eat or harvest wild mushrooms, the forests need them). I'm going to try to get into the rottenest parts of the swamp this weekend to see what other species I can find.
but that doesnt seem to be very sun Mars mercury conjunct Natal Uranus Square Venus.....
but maybe it is, because listening to the ancient fungi tell there tails and share thier wisdom takes some very unique qualities.
edit:
I also noted a very beautiful shift in my psyche yesterday as I practiced forgiving, which was shortly before the For Sale sign was removed.
I am curious as I noted Pluto had gone direct, that it has been transiting my solar Arc Neptune, and it made me wonder about my peer group that has a similar situation in that they all are under this aspect. Karen once noted to me how she lost (died) so many of her high school friends between 50 and 55. So many of my friends are very sick already, that it seems that they will not make it to thier next Saturn return. I know I am feeling the heaviness of time and I could be making better choices about what I consume and how I burn my time.
I think this Pluto transit to the Solar arc Neptune has been a cause of my personal cloudiness and muddy feeling that culminated with Mike and Karen dying.
The manifestation of this lunar seems to be trying to stop me from moving in any and all ways.
My one car broke down, brought it in Thusday morning hoping to pick it up way before the Lunar today. Went down hill fast. Tried to finally pick up the car at closing yesterday and the payment would only apply 409 dollars to the 1200 due.....no idea why, banks were closed, money was in bank. So no car Friday. Went to the banks atm and it would only dispense 100 at time and then it ran out of money after 500 and kept the atm card!!!
Went this am to pick up car, Sabrina is driving it home and it breaks down mysteriously. It drives for me so I take it to my work down in the Finger Lakes.
On my way home it breaks down and now the check engine light is on.
I get home, check everything, crawl underneath....no idea. Cant bring it back till Monday, and I will have to tow it so I dont destroy the mysterious engine malfunction. Sabrina also had a huge emotional melt down when we couldn't get the car last night, very shocking. Made me remember how super duper emotional sensitive we moon Neptune jupiter people are and how difficult it must be for people to be around that depth of feeling, even when it's nice and pleasant its strong and intense and very much alive.
But, happy to report we are all safe and fed and have a roof still.
I'm glad in a way that the car broke, or that that was how this really strong lunar rode in.
After the last weeks emotional rollercoaster about being hacked and spyware on my phone and my FB being used and manipulated, and that stranger following me on the trail .....(forgot to mention that scary walk I had last Saturday being followed for way to long by some guy who was hanging out with a bunch of other guys at the beach and at least seemed to be following every single turn, and I was almost running too. I lost him at a crossrail, when I turned off my phone and headed to the most public spot I was close too, very creepy and scary to think I could be attacked).....
like I said, I'm glad it was only the car.
I have only a few heart strings left and I have no interest in doing anything to break the last ones. I am honestly terrified of men at this point and this male ruled world.
I want nothing to do with this insane archaic ideal of certain people where men only show real love and respect and admiration to other men, and have this conceptual ideal of a woman (mother/virgin/nurse/whore), in which the men seemingly are in a relationship with a woman because they love her, but it is that they use the woman to get love and respect from males by bashing and knocking down the very virginal mother nurse Archtype that they placed on a pedestal. That's my dad, my brothers, my first boyfriend and my exhusband 100%....its all about looking good for thier male friends, and if you make them look bad...they will ruin you. my Father admitted he did that to me when I ran away, built me up as a great daughter but when I left because of his violence and shamed him in his male friends eyes as having a rebellious daughter, that was it.
it just seems like there is this huge population of people who really in a way hate the opposite sex, and feel no real feeling one way or another yet pretend to love them.
I dont understand but it really feels like heterosexual relationships in theory are supposed to be between a woman and man who each healthily express the anima/animus balanced in themselves, yet so many of the heterosexual people I know are more like...the man is 100% manly man with no feminine qualities, and the women are all girlie girlie with no masculine.
I dont like 100% manly men. I dont, they scare me because they are all agression and violence and work and sex and power. I dont like girlie girls either who deny there masculine side and cant lift a finger for fear of chipping their polish. And honestly it seems the more manly man and girlie girlie are in a relationship the more and more dysfunctional the relationship gets, and it deteriorates and seems to end up a war zone for everyone.
I know I'm bisexual even though I've never had sex with a woman, I could give a very intimate kiss to a woman and I could receive a kiss too.
. I also think many heterosexual are actually closet homosexuals, and looking at synastry chart of "friends" often seems to show that one party is sexually receptive to the other, yet it is never actualized. It bothers me because I think forcing heterosexuality on people who are not attracted to the opposite sex brings out ugliness and violence and disease of the worst mangnatude.
I know my chart shows some very powerful sexual aspect, and when I had a lover those aspects.....were very strong and wonderful and unifying. But what I really dont think many people understand is that sexual behavior is not the only way I can express that urgent need to feel love and connection and bliss and creativity. I can paint or draw or cook or write poems or clean my house and that sexual aspect was manifested in a non physical sexual way. It's in how I give my focus and attention and love.
By keeping to myself, minding my own business and distancing myself from unbalanced people, I feel that I can make better choices and be able to be honest about who I am friends with, and why I want to be thier friend.
I blocked most all people from high school from finding me on FB and only have 60 ish connections to family and friends, I just dont want to see and remember most of my school peer group.
Today at one the landlord is filming a virtual tour of this place. They came Wednesday and took pictures but needed another day for the video.....
My soul really wonders just how clean are most people's homes, and how other people would respond to strangers videotaping your home and broadcasting how you live, and decorate and all your personal intimate stuff for anyone and everyone to gawk at.
I have spent just enough time on cleaning.
when I worked full time, I would have to spend one whole day just catching up with cleaning chores.
I went and visited my dad, he told me not to tell anyone but that he has been seeing things, people and ghosts and spirits. It was the only time in my life that I had been able to say his famous lines, "oh, welcome to the club, now you know how I feel". Which always felt like such a mean thing to say to someone when they were trusting you with thier feelings and experiences and sharing something painful or stressful or challenging. But, that's what he says when ever you tell him about something "bad"
That wasnt how I said it, or meant it of course. I meant it as, "gee dad, I've been trying to tell you that there are things in the world that our perception isnt large enough to grasp, that I see spirits, and dead people, and monsters and angels, I see waves like fire in the air, and concentrations of colors and energy, and let's not forget about the Fae!!, and you always called me kooky and said it was impossible, and now you see them too!! Yea, we can form a club and get Jackets!! "
That's how I meant it.
I asked him if he thought he was dying, because that is a time when these feelings and senses and visits often arise. He said, he Hope's so. I asked if he was scared or happy when this happened, trying to grok his cognitive projections and emotional intelligence. He said he wasnt afraid but very unsettled and nervous, which IMO does mean it was scary in a way.
And it is,
I know because I've had to learn how to live with the knowledge that the spirit ethereal astral world is right on top of us in the material my whole life. To know that the world of spirit is watching every single thing. to know Grandma watches you having sex, sitting on the toilet, ect ect ect.....
My dad always said feelings dont matter in this world. I hope he Now sees that feelings are the only thing that do matter, that our emotional body brings into manifestation everything in our lives. how how gaining mastery of your emotions, your emotional intelligence is so much more vital then any job or work or busybee activities, and tells more about you and how your life will unfold then your brains IQ.
I have never really talked much about my experiences with ghosts and demons and Angel's and the Fae, because as a mom that kind of talk can get you locked up and your kids taken away if your not careful, or you make the wrong person mad. I'm not concerned about that happening any more because my children are fantastic people who have beautiful hearts and dont need me like they once did.
I had a mild heart attack when my FB was hacked. It just crushed me, and I know most people would shrug it off, say it happens to everyone, that it's not a big deal, that nothing really bad happened.......and maybe that's true for them, that they would just be like, oh well it's the times we live.....
but it was a horrible horrible feeling.
I've told my kids that I am weak and old and not going to be around much longer and that we need to find them there own homes to have and take care of because I'm just not physically able to....well, do basically everything all alone for all of us anymore.
I note that my demilunar is this upcoming weekend.
I am hoping for no more landlord inspections/issues and that now that things seem to be progressing that I will find an outlet for my authentic silly fun playful loving kind childish nature that has been barely getting any airtime during this crazy retro cleaning time. I really would like to just play twister and sock hop and bob for apples and .......really really get into the spirit of the changing seasons.
I have two very beloved spirits who are joining my ancestors this year, and they would really love to shake thier sillies out too.
Soon it will be transiting the natal Neptunes in the charts of my age group and school peers.
That means that a lot of people I know are going to be going through similar themes and times, yet completely unique based on their own progressions and returns and dance with time itself, so similar yes, but the same no. I suspect, though I haven't run any charts, that also many in my peer group will be or have recently ended one Mars cycle and started a new Mars return.
Mars will be transiting and aspecting first my Sun (Sq) Moon (con), then Neptune (con), MC (Sq) Jupiter (Con) and finally around the beginning of January it will conjunct my Mars and draw an end to the last cycle of Mars and start me off on a new "Mars Return." Interesting how that set up and I am eternally grateful for Jupiters placement in particular, it gives one hope that no matter what hell might arise out of the depths, it need not end on a sour note In a way I guess I am doing a bit of a Mars return mop up by noting this and using it as a springboard to address some astrology that has been at play in my life.
I do feel that my last Mars return tells a tale of these past two years. It was a time where I was filled with hope and optimism that my brother and sister would survive stage 4 cancer, that They wanted to survive. I think the venus neptune aspect speaks of that, but that the mercury saturn speaks louder of the reality of the situation, that again I was wrong and made a mistake in thinking I understood things. I seem to be outstanding in making epic mistakes and failures, when I am wrong I am bloody well wrong to the very core and when I make a mistake it seems to bring the whole Universe crashing down in the worst way.
This past Mars cycle put in my face the accumulation of dis-ease that myself and my loved ones (we all) are living with, In astrology we see disease often as some sort of transit of planets we consider maleficent (Mars, Neptune, Saturn) sometimes combined with the compassion of the beneficial plants (Venus or Jupiter) to try and help us heal. I have always held a strong opinion that it is not that some planets are good and others or bad, I feel that in nature they are neutral and it is perception and point of view of their relationships that dictate value. During this past cycle of Mars I feel even more strongly that our current deleantions for planetary aspects and angles are completely missing huge chunks of what is the nature of...well everything. I have come to see that most all of our astrological body of work was penned by a culture that in a very real way could be called intoxicated, ennebratied, single minded, obsessed and cut off
from reason and clarity on an almost nonstop binge. That is how I would call the result of the mighty "Agricultural Revolution. '' Sure would be interesting to see an accurate chart of what was going on 10000 years ago in in the Tigris River region. What would a chart of the agricultural revolution look like??? Would if we could, progress a chart from them to now. what would the result be, would it show our world now, dying, diseased, starving?
I have researched diseases and pain, lots and lots of different ones, and found that they are mostly brought on by an accumulation from diet and lifestyle choices: choices known to be suicidally harmful, and unfortunately a lot of choices not known at the time that were harmful as well. We are what we do, we are what we consume. I uncovered data from varied disciplines of science all coming to the same conclusion. The conclusion is that we are a conglomerate of living organisms living in a symbiotic relationship with each other and the illusion of the human being as a unique singular entity is a falsehood, that each one of us in and on our own physical biological mass are a host to innumerous other life forms. Each one of these individual life forms that live with us has its own unique needs as to its diet and regulations, and that as its own living organisms it gives respiration and waste of some sort or another based upon its own life pattern and nature. It is as if we are nothing more or less then some sort of mobile Zoo that could have very well been the inspiration for Dr. Seusess classic..._On beyond Zebra_.
And I mean that, we, each one of us is a zoo. and we live in a zoo. and we are surrounded by zoos.
These different organisms that live in symbiotic relationships with us have their own dietary needs, and will drive us to partake in consuming things to feed them. We are the zookeepers. Unfortunately we also have parasites that are harmful to us that live here as well and they try to drive us to feed their needs as well, as harmful as they are to the whole of our being. It's true, there are monsters and demons and they live inside us and will get completely out of hand if not kept in check. It's normal to have bugs, worms, and parasites and creepy crawlies, they help keep our immune system strong and vigilant and on the go doing their job and staying fit in case anything alien tries to get in. We as humans have evolved to live just fine with a certain level of bugs and worms, so they are not bad.....just like the planets themselves are not bad.
This past Mars return in my life also brought out the reality that some people were not interested in living anymore, that their level of personal pain and suffering was so great that they just wanted it to stop. This past Mars cycle I lived on a planet that went inflamed with a virus and up in a poof of smoke transformed into a hyper vigilant immune system fighting ghosts and gods and demons at every corner, a planet of 7.81 billion unique nerve cells being bombarded by pressure from all angles to no relief. To me it felt as if there was a level of toxic indulgence reached on so many levels that just could no longer be repaired and maintained, you just can't come back from some things, even though hollywood movies would trick you other wise, and a little thing turned into a big thing for so many. It felt like the totality of all the living cultures on the planet had overdosed in some form and opportunity arose for a seemingly innocuous virus to shut down all pathways for our existence.
There seems to be something unique about Pluto's migration out of Saggitarius and into Capricorn that also colored this experience for me, that degree in the sky is part of my Saturn Pluto midpoint, my progressed Angle is squared there, and my Solar arc moon/neptune/jupiter is in the vicinity as well. I will definitely aim to honor that time spent and look forward to Pluto being in Capricorn for many of my remaining Martian returns in my life, no sense in not looking forward with a welcoming spirit to what each day I am blessed to live may bring.
(Noting as well that my progressed moon will be soon transiting Spica and square my saturn/pluto midpoint. I did not like the delineations in COS for that transit and must work earnestly to bring that to a much better result than predicted from others past experiences. I have worked too hard to be killed off by a midpoint transit, yet it is a luminary transit to a very special and active point. It probably is a transit that has "done in" lots of people in the past really if you think about it, as the delineation invites the idea that women are on the receiving end of horrible destiny, and not mentioned but possibly alternatively true...that men are on the giving end of a horrible destiny, it also of course could mean that a man will suffer a typical womans destiney, being bound to an abusive female, which culture seems to not ever want to talk about the millions of men entangles with women who they fear to leave even though the relationship is not healthy for them and they are on the recieving end of a sadistic woman.....as little press as domestic violence against women gets.....domestic violence against men gets even less, which seems to be because culture teaches that all men are macho and controlling and dominate and there is no room for tenderness and gentle men, it simply doesnt isist. which we know from astrology is just plain false. two charts regardless of sex can show abuse and violence giving or receiving....in spite of sex, the chart show us the underlying chemical properties that are in a very real way being combined as if in a lab test tube. People have a chemistry, which is shown in their astrology, and that chemistry acts or reacts or remains neutral when introduced to others chemistry for good or for ill or for nothing)
To wrap up my experience of this mars cycle I have come to a very strong conclusion that in my past I was acting, reacting, dramatizing, inflaming just about every single aspect in my life resulting from poor decision making abilities due to poor modern consumption habits. I was the crap that I was eating at the time. I was eating and drinking and watching and doing a lot of crap really and it showed in my life story very clearly that I was not acting wholey on my bestest bestest behaviors, doing good and being all love and light even though I tried. I honestly can't believe that in my past I acted out so outlandishly about such small and insignificant things, blew things way out of proportion and generally made a public aff and nuisance of myself in many situations. I attribute this behavior to my biological reaction to living a life burning carbohydrates as fuel, it is such a noted change for me to not be swept up in the constant blood sugar issues and all the residual garbage that has to be biologically processed due to impure burning and the carbon and other ugly things that accumulate in that garbage and in a way set up an internal ecosystem of disaster. After 50 years I am confident that I am at the very least extremely gluten sensitive if not outright allergic, that I am extremely sensitive to carbohydrates and that all my health issues can be attributed to an unbalanced auto immune system and the inflammation it caused inside me. by eating a diet based off of the modern food pyramid of lotsa lotsa carbs and little fats. I also now believe that if a person like me who has tried her whole life to make healthy choices of food and diet has botched it up so bad, that like the data suggests, I am not alone. Data suggests at least 30% of the global population also has the same symptoms as I did. That is an insane amount of people. I do mean insane too, because I know that now that I have changed my eating my mind is not inflamed and I am not feeling insane and crazy like I used to, day in a day out asking myself....am i crazy? is this normal? I do not question myself like that at all, not have those insecure doubtful fearful thoughts like I chronically did throughout my life. Its gone. That inner pain and panic that kept me feeling like a stalked prey, Gone.
I have always believed that I had a lot of other biological organisms living in me, worms, parasites, germs, viruses and bacteria, that I was a host to a garden of species of different wonderfully unique things and that we as a whole made up this "Veronica" that the portion of me that was actually human and uniquely me was just a small part of this strange biological organism that is a living breathing seemily cohesive unit of matter. Science now proves that my feelings are right, and during this Mars cycle I found a huge new body of evidence to support this idea and how vital it is for us to create a healthy environment for all of our microorganisms to thrive. To be our own ZooKeepers. It is this personal and unique biomass of different forms of life that I feel is represented in one's natal chart. It occured to me that in speaking of the essential things like bacterias that live in our gut, and how our body is populated at different placement with bacterias and organisms that seemingly resemble the natures of the attributes of the planets. I haven't quiet hammered out how to articulate this, but I see a way that seems to indicate that as the elements themselves are attributed to planets, they are also attributed to these populations of bacteria etc that live within us. That our biological mass which comprises all the cells contained within our biosphere is like a long organic chemistry equation that is in constant flux, and that when we interact with others it is a very real chemical compound of its own. Our synastry and our composites seem to reflect the biochemistry of these interactions, as we personally note how we seem to naturally be drawn to some people and naturally repelled by some magic. i think this is due to these other organisms that live with us.
I began this cycle in ernst radically changing my diet to that of a Keto diet, burning fats as my main source of fuel and eliminating any product that caused me inflammation such as most all carbohydrates in general, as well as restricting my caloric intake to about one third of a normal rda diet recommendation. My injury and disability will only get worse over time and I do not want that pain again. If changing my diet means I can stop my inflammation from crippling me then that's a very small price to pay for a better quality of life.
The change in me has been breathtaking from my point of view, worth every second of discipline and struggle and the pain of getting a good hard core scrubbing out cleanse. As an added bonus to my undertaking this radical diet change to suppress my own pain and inflammation from my injury which was not expected nor sought I gained a deeper sympathy for my fellow human beings who struggle with any and all addictions in general, but especially against the demonic carbohydrate and that fire that in your bloodstream.
Something that transpired under this cycle as my fuel burning martian energies were revamped has become clear for me now and I think I can articulate it. I don't know how else to say this no matter how outlandish it sounds, but it seems as if under this new diet in which my body is no longer living inflamed and burning and wreaking havoc on my inner biology and biomass, it is quiet. I am quiet inside, it is
almost as if I can hear the difference. Fire is actually very loud and burning calories inside us must make noise. There no longer feels the intense need to find something to consume and burn up and move on quickly. In my life I have always fought the problem of eating enough to not feel hungry, and how feeling hungry and thirsty was such a horrible horrible thing. My new eating habits maintain my energy levels and I don't ever feel inner pains like gas and bloating or constipation.
I am hoping that the chart for my new Mars return brings more compassion and love into my life and the world. It sounds odd because Mars is not equated with compassion often, but I think it should be. I haven't been able to pin down the exact chart to my satisfaction. I feel capable of calm headedness and clear heartedness to a new depth, but time will tell. I am still pretty broken up about Karen, these up coming holidays will be tough (as I type she punches me in the arm) and sad on many levels, but I dont miss her. Shes right here smiling at me. I love remembering all the things we used to do, and I love thinking about all the things we have yet to do! This past Mars return had me face some very hard lies about my mother and my relationship with my mother and in learning through astrology to look at the time I was created in my mothers womb, and the transits and progressions she was under and how those biologically do imprint onto the child via peptides and hormones and such in uterus. That was a very hard pill to swallow, and not take personally.
I know there is not much stock in Martian returns, Michael Valentine aside lol...
but, whilst painting through my grief this fall I was trying to paint pictures of space so I was doing research into images and how space photography works... and anyhoo...
I learned that our Solar system started out with only the sun mercury mars and earth, the solid planets with hard surfaces. It wasnt till much much later that the Asteroid belt formed and the gases sorted themselves out into our giant outer planets, which are actually nebulous clouds...Elon cannot land a damn thing on Jupiter as it has no ground!!
So, it just seems solid that Mars returns do have weight.
and even though I'm under this transit I'm not looking for a fight. I realize that my Martian nature often makes me seem like I'm looking to fight, and be annoying, but I just want to say out loud that I trust you all here really understand and I deeply thank you for your time.
This Saturday at an unconfirmed time, my Uncle died. My maternal grandmother had 3 children and they all have died now.
This is all such a weird unfolding, these past few months..... I have so much I would like to share about how it, yet it feels like trying to explain the unfolding of the petals of a rosebud, to articulate the delicate beauty of each petal, each day...
I have never known my Uncles birth data except that he was born in London almost 100 years ago, and he relocated here in Rochester back in the 50s and then moved to Virginia after his sisters died in 1996.
I remember growing up being in love with him, and being jealous of his perfect family and wishing I could be his daughter. He had such a beautiful loud laugh and a twinkle in his eye. We loved playing games together, he had a million board games and puzzles that we would spend weekends devouring. I spent lots of time at his house with extended weekend and vacations, such a nice break from the " commotion " of my own home. His daughter was born Oct 4 1968, so she is my only cousin semi close to my age.
She is a real gem, and I dont talk about my relationship to her because she is so very very special to me. My school friends were mostly cruel and bullish towards her, which ended those relationships.
This relationship was extremely formative for me. I want to say that I was shocked when two weeks ago as he got Covid I learned his birthday, not even looking at any charts........but I wasnt. It figures is exactly the thought I had, and astrologically it does figure exactly that he was born July 30, 1929.
The past 10 years we have been living the long goodbye with him as he has complete dementia and alzheimers and has no memories. He's dancing now, again with everyone he loves.
Jupiter Sets at Dawn wrote: Tue Dec 21, 2021 8:44 am
I'm sorry V. You're in my thoughts.
Thank You.
Your words always and all ways touch my soul.
Jim's most excellent run down on synastry aspects the other day opened my eyes to who I become when I am gifted with aspects from relationships.
Thank you Jim
Thank you Danica
Thank you Steve
Thank you Mike, and Mike
Thank you Flo
Thank you Lance
Thank you Takamba
and Thank you everyone in the whole entire world and galaxy and everywhere
for the priceless gifts your unique aspects bring to my chart and the chart of my family.
I will do my best to bring them to the highest accord.
I feel like the little drummer boy.....
I asked him once, he never said and I didnt press it.
He helped me once focus my eyes so I could see those hidden images in "Magic Eye" books, and that's when I saw the unicorn in my backyard. Karen kinda had a big crush on him in a way.
I have been doing some reflection on the times in my past that Jupiter transited my Sun, as it's doing now.
It's such a beautiful aspect in so many countless ways.
We are so blessed when that wave comes.
I would have never ever guessed I would be where I am today, considering what I had been doing at that time. It most certainly was not the course I thought I was on.
In my reflecting I reread my letters to God that I have earnestly tried keeping ever since I learned to write. A confident little 4year old saying hi to god, every day. It is amazing that The Good Lords ear never fell off. I dont open my heart to people mostly, it's like a waterfall, but I always new that God could take my gushing.
and He has, and She has, what ever that they/we/us are.
Even though by cultures definition of success, I am not successful at all, I feel successful. I feel like there is this beautiful ethereal crown of aspects that I have been gifted by kind loving generous tolerant and compassionate souls who are entangled and interwoven into my life like a magic coat of armor.
I am so excited to see where I am the next come around!
Thank you Jim and Danica especially, as you two have known me since my last past and have been nothing but a source of strength and empowerment and compassion and deep friendship, thanks to you all for being you.
I like you, just the way you are, like my hero would say.
ugh,
so there are a lot of things I want to talk about...
but then again I dont...
when you give voice to things it seems to make them more real, more sound...
but if you dont talk about things then how can we ever hope to understand each other and this world.
I had somethings really hit in my face yesterday about myself and my romantic relationships, something very mean and hurtful that I was unaware of on my behalf that I was doing. Something that if the shoe had been on my foot...I'd be up in arms about...and legally rightfully so.
I had mentioned previously that my most beloved Uncle had just died. As a small child growing up in an alcoholic and violent dysfunctional home, I saw my Uncle and his perfect little nuclear family as the ideal. I was jealous of the open love and unity and strength and purpose and singlemindness of my Uncle and His Wife. I adored how my Uncle spoke with pet names lovingly speaking to his wife and children. They really seemed to be the ideal family, and according to the news I got from my dad...well we were the opposite to say it nicely.
The thing that really touched me though, the thing that I observed and wanted, needed, was the synastry my Uncle and Aunt had together. They not only dropped with love and adoration for only each other, they were as one, one mind, one heart, one complete enraptured soul. Or so it seemed from my point of view. I had never seen, still to this day, two souls so in love. It was almost as if they had given up thier individuality in a way, put aside the self and the ego, and moved in complete tandem as one, mind, heart and soul.
It must have been devastating when my Uncle got sick and forgot everything, as that left my beloved Aunt without her ballast, as my cousin said it seemed. I completely feel that. Having the most beautiful love and the other person not remembering that they loved you and were a part of something so beautiful.
The unfolding of life is so mysterious, I would look each night for the first star so I could wish for a love like theirs. silly child wishing on the Loneliest Star in the sky. Very appropriate that I would be wishing on the same star that my MC points to, ngc7293, The Eye of God.
My Aunts birthdata for those interested....Jan 14, 1942 Weeds Virginia. Since we are unsure her birth time I saw her sun on the cusp of Saggitarius/Capricorn and wondered how that placement would fluctuate over the 24hours of the birthdate. Since my Uncle is a Cancer, I am going to say based on there relationship and her overall character that she is not a Saggitarius but a Capricorn, thus thier suns are in polar opposite signs.
So yesterday, when I drew up my Aunts chart for the very first time....after noting her Sun, drew up the synastry of my Aunt and Uncle.
and if you know me, you know I cried when I saw her Mercury opposite his Sun/mercury conjunction. (Gods! they loved talking and laughing together!!).
which brings me back to my relationships in my past that never worked....none of the people I had ever met did I have that type of aspect with. I wanted, I needed open honest clear communication, and validation of an "us". Even in my marriage there was never an us, we. None until I reconnected with Craig in 2013.
Craig and I have a similar aspect.
The thing is, that it is my Sun on Craig's Mercury.
I feel horrible.
I feel like an abuser, a stalker, an unwanted suitor by constantly and continually reaching out to Craig, and trying to reconnect with him. I always felt my reaching out came from a place of love and concern and wanting the very best for him, from my side that was always my intention and always my hope that he too wanted the same for me, and that he too really did want to be with me.
I feel now though that my affection was received not in the manner it given, and that Craig truly didnt care about me like I thought and that he was only being kind to me because he was terrified of what I might do as revenge or out of despair or desperation.
On Thursday Dec 9 (6:30ish)I asked Craig, point blank if he wanted to be with me, he said no. I asked him if I should move on and leave him alone and he said yes.
As much as it pains me, Jim you might legally be able to shed light, I see now that because Craig has now specifically said, no that he is not interested, that by me contacting him in anyway constitutes willful harassment, stalking and probably some other misdemeanors. He said no.
If I was in his position as woman and a man kept contacting me, I would be advised to get an order of protection against....
I never meant to be a bully or controlling or manipulative or mean in anyway to him and I am disappointed in myself for not being able to see things from his side. He has every right to be with someone who loves and encourages him and holds him the way he needs and all that, and I am glad that he has that.
I too have every right to get my needs met though, and in this last conversation with him he finally did say I should leave him alone. I appreciate his honesty and candor in telling me he doesnt want to be with me, it must have been very hard for him, fearing I would break windows I suppose.
I truly am not interested in meeting or dating or talking to anyone. I'm kinda at that disgusted with my past behaviors, shocked that I never saw my actions as a bully and mortified that I possibly have mentally abused him, all the while feeling on top of the world love struck dumb with him.
Well, yes, of course if someone says, "Leave me alone and I mean it," and you don't leave them alone, then they can take further steps. How this comes out depends on a judge's judgement, so the outcome isn't certain. In your case, I think an important fact is that you aren't really a threat. You're not a harmful person. If he considers you a pest or an unwanted memory, that still isn't a crime.
I'm not sure the threat of an order is what's bothering you. (I didn't really follow that transition in your story.) I think other emotions your uncle are stirred up and that threatening, painful new lunar return is emotionally toxic, so you're feeling and revisiting situations where you had a lot of fear.
Veronica, I know you are hurting like hell right now. Focusing on taking care of yourself and letting yourself heal is exactly the right thing. Part of the healing is forgiveness. There are four phases (they can happen concurrently or in any order) in degree of difficulty: 1. Forgiving Craig for every wrong he's done to you. This is cruel hard, but the easiest of the steps for most of us. 2. Forgiving Craig for every wrong you've done him. It may be deeply buried in your unconscious, but on some level you feel justified in your wrongs by his conduct or character. This must also be let go of. This step is considerably harder. I'm in no way singling you out here -- this is universally true of humans and very offer overlooked. 3. Forgiving God (whatever you conceive He/She/It/Them to be) for not unfolding the universe as you needed/wished. This is harder yet. God has no need whatsoever to receive your forgiveness: it is a very necessary part of your healing to give it. 4. The most important and excruciatingly difficult: forgiving yourself. No one does any of the steps perfectly, but the degree of healing and peace they bring is proportionate to the degree of success you achieve. May the stars and the God who made the grant you healing, and all the peace, joy, and above all love that you need.
Jim,
after reading your response I thought about what I might be afraid of, and it feels like this...
When Craig dies and gets to review his life with God, and he comes to the "Veronica " part, and he tells God how horrible it was having my sun blast him right in his Mercurcy and how bad that really must hurt and be blinding, I dont want God hearing ugly things like that about anybody but to hear it about me....
I dont want God mad at me.
at all. about anything.
It is so hard living sometimes knowing that God is watching, that god listens, god makes wishes come true. its especially hard when you in a society that has forgotten God and His Love and forgot He is Always and Allways present.
Mike,
thank you for your kindness.
yes I am hurting that we live in world that doesnt feel God and denies Him and Themselves.
there is nothing to forgive though.
I was angry once with god for watch a bad thing happen in my life. As we talked about it though, I came to see that when the bad things happened to me, it was my choice, at those moments to disentangle if you will from my relationship to God, to separate from that synastry and composite chart that I have with Diety/Time/God/Goddess and get involved with others without bringing God into the equation.
So it is more a case of asking God to forgive me for forgetting Him.
Veronica wrote: Sun Jan 02, 2022 11:18 am
When Craig dies and gets to review his life with God, and he comes to the "Veronica " part, and he tells God how horrible it was having my sun blast him right in his Mercurcy and how bad that really must hurt and be blinding,
It doesn't work that way. First of all, besides stirring communication in general, Sun's main impact on Mercury is to ensure Mercury has a voice, to create a pathway for Mercury's creative expression. No blasting though I suppose (hard to imagine, but I suppose) that some people would be uncomfortable with this.
I dont want God hearing ugly things like that about anybody but to hear it about me....
I dont want God mad at me. at all. about anything.
It doesn't happen that way. Love doesn't get mad at you.
Besides (to put it in more earthly terms), Craig's confession is about Craig, never really about you.
Or to put it in more conventional religious terms: God doesn't need tattletales. He knows if you've been bad or good.
The bigger issue, I think (emphasized by Mike) is how you feel about these interactions and whether you feel you have anything about it you have to hold onto. (Hint: Guilt is one of the coolest, sneakiest things we have to hold onto about somebody when we don't want to finish letting go and have run out of other things to hold onto.)
Thank you for all that Jim.
I do hear what you are saying about God and Love and confession and tattle tales.
I have been reflecting on my feelings of letting him go. not just him but Karen and Mike and dad, and events ect. I've been doing a lot of that this whole year, letting go 90% of my possessions too.
I dont like saying things like this outloud, but I'm okay with it all going. Im not hurt. I'm not sad. I tried. I know that with each breathe and minute of my life I really really tried to make the best choices, the higher choice even when others hit low. I did what I thought was right and good action. I acted from Love. I feel like I could die this minute and feel wonderful about all parts of my life, that I have nothing to be ashamed of, that I did do my best and that I accomplished my purpose in life. I really do, and that's a terrifying feeling, that you've done all you could and your work is done.
It makes you acutely appreciate each breathe you take as a complete bonus to life, each minute a golden egg of possibilities.
I wanted to clarify what I said above about how I feel I completed my life purpose......
I needed, all my life, to feel from someone "other" that no matter what....they loved me.
I never felt assured 100% that someone loved me.
but then I got pregnant, and felt that starlight bath and went through pregnancy....and almost died delivering him.
it's that venus/pluto...all or nothing feeling, and Orion I know loves me, but more then that feeling of unquestionable love I discovered that what I was really needing was to be loved by someone who really loved themselves, who was self confident and self assured...and our culture really makes it hard for people to have healthy self esteem, and authentic self expression.
Orion is different and I've worried about him since before he was born. it's all those planets in Capricorn....Eric didnt like his Libra moon, so gentle and beautiful. I was so worried that Orion who grow up and be another person who played games with hearts, who abused. self absorbed egoic following the crowd, suppressing his nature....
I did everything and the kitchen sink to not raise a criminal, a jerk a burden to society.
Well he is going to 21 in a few days and he is a wonderful human being, with a lot of great gifts and joy and he likes crazy clothes and weird hair and wears nail polish and stands up for himself and others.
so when I say I feel like I could die and my work is done, its because I see that my son is a man now and I dont need to worry if he will be ok like I have been terrified of for years.
he will be ok,
and no Steve, you asked once if I ever talked astrology with him, no I dont because he doesnt need it. He's got something all his own.
my purpose in life is Love, and I'm sure that God will find a good use for me, there are so many people in the world with great projects and work going on that do need someone just like me. I was never happier with any friend or lover ever then I was with Craig, but I have to respect his feelings and desires. We will get to the same place eventually, so it's all good, I just really liked walking home with him.
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Cosmic State
Mo Sc- F | Mo Sc-
| co Ne 00°56' co Ju 02°45' op Sa 02°28'M sq Su 02°39'
| sx Pl 02°58'
Su Aq- F | Su Aq-
| oc Ve 00°13' sx Se 01°55' sq Ma 02°05'M sq Mo 02°39'
| sq Ne 03°35' oc Ur 01°18' sq Ju 05°25'
Me Cp B | sq Sa 00°23' sx Ma 00°21' sq Er 01°39'M sq Se 02°47'M
| tr Ur 03°55'
Ve Sg | Mo Sc-
| oc Su 00°13' sq Ur 01°31' tr Sa 02°01' sq Er 02°45'
Ma Sc+ F | Mo Sc+
| sx Me 00°21' oc Se 00°21' sq Su 02°05'M sx Ur 03°34'
| tr Er 04°47'
Ju Sc F | co Ne 00°28'M co Mo 02°45' sq Su 05°25' sx Pl 05°43'
| tr Er 07°04'
Sa Ar- B | sq Me 00°23' co Se 00°54'M co Er 02°02'M tr Ve 02°01'
| op Mo 02°28'M
Ur Vi B | Su Aq+
| op Er 01°14' sq Ve 01°31' sx Ma 03°34' oc Su 01°18'
| tr Me 03°55'
Ne Sc F | co Ju 00°28'M co Mo 00°56' sq Su 03°35' sx Pl 03°54'
Pl Vi F | sx Mo 02°58' sx Ne 03°54' sx Ju 05°43'
Er Pi B | op Ur 01°14' co Se 01°08'M sq Me 01°39'M co Sa 02°02'M
| sq Ve 02°45' tr Ma 04°47' tr Ju 07°04'
Se Ar B | co Sa 00°54'M oc Ma 00°21' co Er 01°08'M sx Su 01°55'
| sq Me 02°47'M
Veronica, I felt lead to post your cosmic state report (not including midpoints yet, they will add some interesting nuances no doubt). I particularly notice your rather problematic Venus placement and I understand something I didn't understand before. While you are I are very different people overall, as I've gotten to know you and your struggles (particularly in the Venus realm), I've felt we are in some way kindred spirits and now I see why. Love has been problematic for me as well. We both have that Venus-Eris connection "Love, thy name is Chaos" yet also Sun-Venus "love isn't what I do, it's what I am". You have known tragedy aplenty and you've know triumph: your son Orion. May the Love at the Heart of the Universe bless you always, star sister.
I have found in my life Steven that you just cant ever loose sight of that Bigger Picture. I am thankful that I have a bigger picture of my little existence, it is like a rock that I can lay back on and just surrender to. I feel that at our core all humanity must have sense of this bigger picture, yet I also feel that most people dont carry pictures in their wallet anymore of people they love...that too many people have never seen a bigger picture at all
No Matter how hard things in life seem, if you STOP and back up, and back up, and back up, when things are getting all emotional and convoluted, then in that pause you can catch your breath and get your heart rate under control, and relax and just be in the moment.
I had a dream a while back that is all about a Bigger picture.
In my dream I had found out when the Goddess's birthday was!! Karen, being newly crossed into the Celestial Heavens had been given a handbook on life after death, and page one was all about the Goddess and when She was born and how all life after death circulates around Her activities. (So so sorry Mr. Tim Burton for that appropriation by my subconscious). In an innocent conversation with Karen about her knew situation being dead she accidently told me the Bday,
I was so excited with this information, and I wanted to do something especially loving for Goddess to let her know how I feel.
I had it in my mind that I was going to take a picture of all of Her children everywhere and give it to Her for a surprise present. I flew everywhere telling people that we were getting together for a picture, to get a nice shirt, and let's get this shot!
But mostly no one was listening, they were busy, some I found doing horrible horrible things, and I tried to get them to stop so they wouldn't be black and blue in the picture, and well.....the organization was a disaster, but I finished my rounds around the Earth and headed up into space, surfing currents and hopping comets and hop skip and jumping and flying out out out and up up up.
I came to a great point where I could get the whole Family in frame and I turned around to take the picture, and people were still fighting and hurting, So I yelled.......SMILE.....and some would brighten up, so i yelled smile again and more of my siblings heard me and smiled but most were still just enraptured in thier lives and affairs. I tried to get Michael to stop pulling Karens hair, one last time.......and after what seemed like way to long, I just said screw it, we are all here.
I took the shot.
I took lots actually as I then descended back to Earth. I had no limit on space to store my data, so why not.
Yet as I hovered out there in space, looking at my Galaxy, Our Galaxy, filled with all the Children of the Goddess, looking at my family and awestruck dumb blind of how utterly beautiful and mesmerizing and complete and unique and lovable and just wonderful to the max the Whole is, I realized that this beautiful picture, this family of every single organism, would not be beautiful if everyone was the same, if everyone was doing the same thing, if everyone had turned and smiled and shone at the same time. no, it was because some of us are very very dark, and others green, and some pink and huge or small and all the characteristics that each one of us brings to life, it was the intermixing and contrasts and blending and chaos of all of us that makes the image of our galaxy so so beautiful. our diversity and differences, not our commonality give dimension and life itself.
I was so pleased with my picture and my new perspective of my relations. I eagerly waited for the day, and then, when Her Birthday arrived I could hardly wait till She came to kiss me GoodNight like She does every night. She stroked my hair and just before She laid Her kiss I said I have some thing for you, and I pulled out Our picture and I said Happy Birthday Mommy from All of Us. She looked at the picture and then looked at me and said "You Took this for me?" and I smiled and said yea, howd you know I took it.? She laughed and said Your the only one not in the picture silly who else could have taken it!
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Cosmic State
Mo Sc- F | Mo Sc-
| co Ne 00°56' co Ju 02°45' op Sa 02°28'M sq Su 02°39'
| sx Pl 02°58'
Su Aq- F | Su Aq-
| oc Ve 00°13' sx Se 01°55' sq Ma 02°05'M sq Mo 02°39'
| sq Ne 03°35' oc Ur 01°18' sq Ju 05°25'
Me Cp B | sq Sa 00°23' sx Ma 00°21' sq Er 01°39'M sq Se 02°47'M
| tr Ur 03°55'
Ve Sg | Mo Sc-
| oc Su 00°13' sq Ur 01°31' tr Sa 02°01' sq Er 02°45'
Ma Sc+ F | Mo Sc+
| sx Me 00°21' oc Se 00°21' sq Su 02°05'M sx Ur 03°34'
| tr Er 04°47'
Ju Sc F | co Ne 00°28'M co Mo 02°45' sq Su 05°25' sx Pl 05°43'
| tr Er 07°04'
Sa Ar- B | sq Me 00°23' co Se 00°54'M co Er 02°02'M tr Ve 02°01'
| op Mo 02°28'M
Ur Vi B | Su Aq+
| op Er 01°14' sq Ve 01°31' sx Ma 03°34' oc Su 01°18'
| tr Me 03°55'
Ne Sc F | co Ju 00°28'M co Mo 00°56' sq Su 03°35' sx Pl 03°54'
Pl Vi F | sx Mo 02°58' sx Ne 03°54' sx Ju 05°43'
Er Pi B | op Ur 01°14' co Se 01°08'M sq Me 01°39'M co Sa 02°02'M
| sq Ve 02°45' tr Ma 04°47' tr Ju 07°04'
Se Ar B | co Sa 00°54'M oc Ma 00°21' co Er 01°08'M sx Su 01°55'
| sq Me 02°47'M
Veronica, I felt lead to post your cosmic state report (not including midpoints yet, they will add some interesting nuances no doubt). I particularly notice your rather problematic Venus placement and I understand something I didn't understand before. While you are I are very different people overall, as I've gotten to know you and your struggles (particularly in the Venus realm), I've felt we are in some way kindred spirits and now I see why. Love has been problematic for me as well. We both have that Venus-Eris connection "Love, thy name is Chaos" yet also Sun-Venus "love isn't what I do, it's what I am". You have known tragedy aplenty and you've know triumph: your son Orion. May the Love at the Heart of the Universe bless you always, star sister.
Thank you for all of this Mike. Thanking you for taking the time to draw up and share my cosmic state but mostly thank you for trying to better understand me.
I see that I have mundane Mars Sun square that had never been captured before in any other chart and I feel that is correct, I always felt somehow that my Mars was aspecting my sun, giving me a source of self confidence.
I have a very exciting job interview at a company I have always admired and supported at 10 so I have to leave now, but I wanted to thank you Star Brother. Thank you for opening up and talking about your feelings and thoughts, especially the hard mean and ugly stuff, and letting us all try to understand you better. That's a priceless gift.
I wanted to share that I got called back for the job at 12:48 pm that same day! I had applied 2 times before to work there, over the years, and 3rd time was the charm.
Its " just" a cashier job for minimum wage, with 9.5 hour days, but I think it's a good fit. Lots of great co workers and the customers are all very nice.
I'm gonna admit that I really am very devastated and depressed about the whole Craig thing. Just break down sobbing, thinking really spiralling into horrible self hurting thoughts, feeling like I'll never have someone to hold or even just talk And listen too. This is very toxic Lunar return and it's taking a lot of strength to wipe away my tears and just function.
I thought about trying to date or talk to people on an app, but that just made me feel worse. I haven't been hugged or kissed or touched or anything loving from anyone in so long, and I'm just terrified I'm never going to have a romantic relationship again. It hurts and is confusing and I feel like everything I ever did relationship wise was just wrong.
I have a demi lunar soon and I'm hoping that brings in some loving kindness and affection, even if it's just the stray cat coming to visit.
I only have a few weeks till my solar return and I really need to find a healthy out let for those strong aspects. A mars venus conjunction when you have no lover is going to really be another sad year like last years.
I hate to say this but so many people say that I need to just go out and boink anyone, so that my body isnt bonded to Craig anymore, and I dont think I can. I think if a man tried to kiss me I'd just fall to pieces in tears.
I am so weird and unusual and maybe everyone is right, I'm just a whole lotta stuff that men couldnt care less about for the most part and too high maintenance and socially awkward. I'm just so lonely sometimes for human companionship, and a part of me thinks its unhealthy for my children to see me so alone all the time.
Someone, maybe you, certainly the people who are telling to just go out and boink someone, are confusing sex with affection. Maybe if you thought a bit about what it is you actually want, you'd have better luck finding it. You're perfectly capable of achieving a sexual release all on your own, I'm sure.
Another part of this is menopause and misdirecting it's power in your life.
Every time you think of Craig, go wash the kitchen floor. Or something similar. A little hard work instead and break the connection in your mind. You don't have to think about him. So don't. I know, it's hard, but that's no excuse.
If you want physical affection, volunteer to work with downs children. You'll get all the touching and hugging and so on you could possibly want.
Veronica, ignore well-meaning (let's charitably assume it was well-meaning) advice from people who don't understand. If you needed to go boink someone, you are self-aware enough you'd know it. It may be some day you are healed enough, the stars will bring you a new relationship. Until then, concentrate on loving yourself and Orion. Healing will come in its own time.
You know this is mourning, right? You're mourning for several people who were really important to you, and you are mourning your relationship with Craig, and mourning takes time. You don't think about it and come to a resolution and it's over.
It's not over.
Mourning for one person or one relationship takes at least a month for every year you were in that relationship.
Even if it was a one sided relationship like the one with Craig. It was just as real to you, and you are mourning that. And mourning your sister and your brother, and all at once so it's going to take even longer because it's all mixed up together.
So remind yourself that's what you are doing. Mourning. And focus on that.
I have always felt you experience Gaia through Nature in the outdoors like the native American Indians and other ancient cultures who recognized Gaia as a nurturing mother principle from Outdoor Nature, its the Sacred Feminine of Nature on our Planet. But I definitely believe you were cut off from Gaia with a non nurturing Mother, which I see as a direct manifestation of your mundo Moon-Saturn. Gaia can communicate to all of us in many different ways through Nature in the outdoors.
