Why can't I be at peace professionally?

[Kelly Jackson]

Hello. According to my birth certificate, I was born on August 14, 1968 at 6:59pm EST in Brooklyn, New York. I work in a non profit sector. I started as direct care and am now responsible for a division of an agency. I make 100k a year. I finally have a masters degree which was my childhood dream. I never imagined I would be so blessed, but I am still restless and constantly looking and applying for other jobs and looking for my dream job which is really just a title. I think about getting a PhD. I do not want one but I am bored.

Whenever I acknowledge I am happy or reach a goal, I get restless and keep looking for the next challenge.
Would you please look at my natal chart, transits, and astrocartography lines and tell me why I am always restless and bored? What would make me happy and fulfilled, and at peace? Should I keep striving for more professionally or should I rest? I am looking for guidance or solutions that do not involve traveling out of state.

Thank you.

[Jim Eshelman]

Kelly, welcome to Solunars. Let's see what we can figure out. First, though, are you still living in NYC or somewhere else? That may matter.

I also want to note that the name by which you identify yourself doesn't match your email address at all. I'm going to assume you are approaching us sincerely (though I bring it up because a few people in recent months have not).

I work in a non profit sector. I started as direct care and am now responsible for a division of an agency. I make 100k a year. I finally have a masters degree which was my childhood dream. I never imagined I would be so blessed,

Congratulations on your career success (at least, outward success) thus far.

The main features of your birth chart are: Sun and Moon are in two Rim signs (Cancer-Aries). Sun and Mars are closely angular and Neptune more moderately angular. You are the kind of person who makes things move, motivates and directs others, and probably can be counted on to get things done. It's no wonder you are restless, though, because you tend to frustrate easily and are fiercely competitive and want full attention for what you show you can do.

but I am still restless and constantly looking and applying for other jobs and looking for my dream job which is really just a title. I think about getting a PhD. I do not want one but I am bored.

Rim people tend to get in trouble with themselves and the world and, while I wouldn't venture that you're self-destructive, it does seem that you hurl yourself into the fray. Nothing wrong with that, of course - though, like every choice, it has consequences. I think you don't mind a few scraped elbows and may even take pleasure in showing your wounds.

Whenever I acknowledge I am happy or reach a goal, I get restless and keep looking for the next challenge.

I think this is the competitiveness. But let's break this down by calculating the relative strength of your ten basic needs to make sure I haven't missed something... Nope, the ranking is what it seemed at first. Of all the primary needs all people have, those which are unusually strong and dominant in you are the need to a singled out, distinguished somebody in particular (Sun), power needs (to control, compete, conquer, dominate), and Neptune (to forget a stable reality bubble plus merger needs - either to be totally absorbed in something or to absorb others into somethinh).

What would make me happy and fulfilled, and at peace?

Fulfilling these three needs probably will make you most happy and fulfilled. OTOH I don't know if you'll ever let yourself tolerate peace. You don't seem a "peace" kind of guy.

I notice you say nothing about your personal life, only your professional success. I'm curious whether you've invested anything in a personal life and how that's going?

[Kelly Jackson]

Thank you, Jim. I am a female. Kelly Jackson is the name I gave myself when I moved up here. I also use it to protect my identity online. email address is legit. I lived in New York, then North Carolina. I left an abusive husband down there to come to Massachusetts seeking help to start over. I came here out of necessity and established roots.
I am in my second marriage. My married life mirrors my professional career in many ways. I bought a house, but I am still looking at houses. I alternate between wanting a second home and wanting home in the city we just left in 2021. Either way, I constantly focus on upgrading another part of the house.

My husband is the only piece of my life I am not constantly looking to replace. But I live in the past in too many ways. I hold on to what was instead of adapting to what is. We've been together 14 years. He sees what I am (the things I came to you about).

I have always been interested in Astrology in terms of being a Leo. And proud of it, lol. I thought that was all is, but my daughter opened me up to this science. What you told her in this forum was spot on so here I am. I really wanted to know why I am never satisfied and what I can do.

[Jim Eshelman]

Kelly, thanks for answering and sharing all that. Understood

Though I thought your letter sounded male (perhaps the strong Mars and Sun?), I wouldn't have interpreted the chart any differently if I'd caught you were a woman.

My wife and I are headed back out on the road today for a couple of days, so I won't be able to write any lengthy, thoughtful replies until we get back (late Saturday or when I'm home on Sunday). Feel free to write anything further, including more pointed questions if I've left this too vague or general (or if I've missed the point of how we can help you).

BTW, this site is dedicated to Sidereal astrology. Your Sun is in Cancer. Here are some references you might want to read as a start - they describe the half dozen strongest features of your chart (I just added a seventh on Venus-Jupiter):

Sun in Cancer: viewtopic.php?f=13&t=35#p158
Moon in Aries: viewtopic.php?f=13&t=34#p154
Mars in Cancer: viewtopic.php?f=13&t=32&p=118#p118

Sun angular: viewtopic.php?f=15&t=38#p182
Mars angular: viewtopic.php?f=15&t=38#p186
Neptune angular (weaker): viewtopic.php?f=15&t=38#p190

Venus-Jupiter conjunction: viewtopic.php?f=16&t=182#p1221

[Kelly Jackson]

Thanks Jim. I will check those out.

[Kelly Jackson]

I've read the Sun in Cancer traits several times. It describes me. The one sentence in Sun foreground answers why I can't stop professionally - I need to be one distinguished thing. I don't know what it is but I believe I will know it when I have it. My new question relates to the mars foreground Gauquelin character traits. Is there a duality to them - in particular not being afraid and being straightforward? When I speak to my staff during times of written discipline or having to provide serious corrective feedback, I feel like an imposter trying to be stern for lack of a better word. I try to avoid the conflict. I hesitate when I speak. How do I embrace who I am at all times? Thank you.

[Jim Eshelman]

I've read the Sun in Cancer traits several times. It describes me. The one sentence in Sun foreground answers why I can't stop professionally - I need to be one distinguished thing. I don't know what it is but I believe I will know it when I have it.

Cool

My new question relates to the mars foreground Gauquelin character traits. Is there a duality to them - in particular not being afraid and being straightforward? When I speak to my staff during times of written discipline or having to provide serious corrective feedback, I feel like an imposter trying to be stern for lack of a better word. I try to avoid the conflict. I hesitate when I speak. How do I embrace who I am at all times?

It's probably not a duality in the Mars traits as such but, rather, that none of us is one-sided. The planets each represent fundamental needs that pretty much every person alive shares, but we have them in different proportions.

For example, my wife has a Taurus Sun and Mars on an angle. Art heart, she wants harmony and peace and detests violence and harshness. She's naturally aggressive, can take charge, has lots of fine Mars traits, but second guesses herself in spaces where she has to out-and-out compete in a "knock somebody else down" situation - she hates that they exist. So, though she's very martial, she spends a lot of time wishing stuff like that didn't exist. (Oh, but don't attack someone she loves: she'll go for your jugular before you can notice she's in motion.)

I give this example because you, too, have a mix of many parts. Your angular can align well with the yang characteristics of Mars, but also wants to encourage and build people up, to be warm and contributing. And your Venus (love, kindness) isn't weak (average strength), though you don't lead with it (you have an un-Venus Aries Moon), but it's conjunct Jupiter, trine Moon, etc. - There's a lot of kindness in there.

I think a big part of it, too, is your Cancer Sun. You're basically describing yourself having "imposter's syndrome," a current term for people who are utterly competent but ultimately don't feel good enough. Everybody - including every highly successful person ever - has a stage (probably recurring their entire life) where they aren't 100% sure about something but need to express themselves as being 100% sure. They have to instill confidence. Maybe they knew enough to "fake it until you make it," but that makes them thing any time they have to fake it, they must not have "made it" yet. In reality, the most successful people "fake it" or - barely any different in practice - they're running on intuition in the absence of certainty or evidence. I'm sure you get what I'm saying, yes?

Related to this is that Cancer Sun people have a built-in ego weakness. They're lunar, not solar: They can shine, but there's always a knowing in the background that it's "borrowed light." But the borrowing is part of the strength - you're not just reflecting light from someone over your head, you're also empathic, reflecting the person in front of you. You probably find it hard not to feel what they're feeling, so when the time comes to state something firmly and an unshaken demeanor and let them have all the feelings flow in so they are impacted by their own recognition of how they could improve... you tend to feel what they're feeling to. You probably want to comfort them, and you surely need a bit of comfort yourself because it's an uncomfortable situation for you - and you're feeling the discomfort you actually need to let them feel. (I think I'm talking in circles. Am I on track? Is this how it feels?)

You have your Sun and Mars. You have other parts, too. Suggestion: My friend Linda Smith (we worked together for a decade) was one of the highest-powered attorneys in the country. As she was retiring, she wrote a book called Smashing Glass & Kicking aff: Lessons From the Meanest Woman Alive. That title "meanest woman alive" wasn't what her friends ever thought, but what a client once called her! It's a book on women finding their power. The main point is: (1) Industrial psychologists have identified that the traits which make an enterprise thrive most are based on emotional intelligence. (2) In our society, women have a naturally higher amount of EQ. (3) Using the resources they have most naturally, woman currently can provide better leadership than men and cause enterprises to flourish.

The book is a little heavy handed on the, "Women, we can do it WAY better," side, because (1) as things stand, on average that's true and (2) it needs the extra oomph to overcome old resistance.

I suggest you get, read, and enjoy the book to get a new perspective on capacities you have that make you stronger and more effective in these situations. The Kindle version is $4, the physical book doesn't cost much. Here's the Kindle link:
https://www.amazon.com/Smashing-Glass-K ... DDTMSJJ4DG

FWIW, here's the review I wrote just before it came out:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-revi ... B07CGXFS43

[Kelly Jackson]

you're feeling the discomfort you actually need to let them feel.

That is profound. I would have never thought of it. I consciously try not to absorb others emotions, but as much as I try not to, I am doing it anyway. I have to open myself up to the feelings.

[JD Fan]

Hello Kelly,

from what i can see, you need a job that is:

Psychological and empowering.

Journalism comes to mind. Or perfect astrologer.
Politician.

[Kelly Jackson]

Oddly enough I think about running for mayor or even a state rep position. When I was a teen, I wanted to study political science, but didn't get into my desired high school.

[JD Fan]

Oddly enough I think about running for mayor or even a state rep position. When I was a teen, I wanted to study political science, but didn't get into my desired high school.

Hello Kelly Jackson, here's what I think:

A Saturnian ascendant (you have one, Capricorn) is mostly fitted to the dark arts or down to earth arts or high, high positions [think state rep] (sometimes), and so on...)

However if you want to do minor, but profitable work, then look at the 6th house: Gemini. Gemini there could mean multiple jobs at once or jobs where you communicate a lot.

Important things:

Your planets speak for being with a partner, all of the time (whether business or not, but better be business too).

Jobs that fit you:

Scorpionic researcher, priest or pastor (NN), saleswoman (7), light athlete (M), presenter (all that Leo stuff)....

and much much more...

[Kelly Jackson]

Thank you, JD Fan. It's interesting that I need a professional partner who is higher up. That distinction is critical because on the surface, it conflicts with my need for control. I have assistants, but when I hear them say, 'my staff", or "my clients", I get defensive and think to myself, they are not 'your" anything. Outwardly, I reign it in respectfully, but I always wonder if I am being overly sensitive. Now, I see I need to come to grips with how to balance my need for control and developing /allowing partnerships with specific people. It makes sense. Those professional connections are already in my life. I have to embrace them and define how to best utilize those connections for mutual success.

[Kelly Jackson]

Hi Jim:

Since we last conversed, I've allowed myself to feel others emotions. I've embraced the hard conversations at work with the realization that it is ok to embrace emotions and make the distinction between what others should be feeling. Doing so has given me such freedom and a kind of peace I had not had before.

I am very curious about my life in Massachusetts. Can I thrive here or is there another place for me?

[Jim Eshelman]

Since we last conversed, I've allowed myself to feel others emotions. I've embraced the hard conversations at work with the realization that it is ok to embrace emotions and make the distinction between what others should be feeling. Doing so has given me such freedom and a kind of peace I had not had before.

This is pretty exciting to me. It sounds like you've made a quality of life change that will strengthen you increasingly the rest of your life.

I am very curious about my life in Massachusetts. Can I thrive here or is there another place for me?

You can definitely thrive there and be successful. The question is whether you can be happy there - and this depends on what it would take in life for you to be happy.

You were born with Mars closely angular - on Descendant. This is something basic to who you are, no matter where you live. It has pros and cons, the pros having to do modern-day applications of traits that helped us survive and thrive best in primitive times - aggression, competition, energy, assertion, needing and acquiring power, admiration of power and aggression in others, etc. The cons are that happiness is sometimes the price you have to pay when competition triumphs over cooperation, conflict and separation over compassion and connection, etc.

Please note that I'm throwing out representative words. These may not be the exact words that describe your situation. My hope is that they give you the right general feeling and you will recognize the psychological energy behind them and how these work out in your life. (You can read more in the Mars Angular link I gave you above.)

As you live in different places, you won't lose your Mars, but you can gain other energies - including making the Mars even stronger. The line where Mars was setting at your birth runs off the U.S. east coast and is strongly effective within about 200 miles of the exact line. Off the southeast coast, the Mars line is farther out in the water (and your Neptune line is exactly through coastal Virgina and North Carolina, not places I would recommend). The Mars line gets closer to shore as it moves north and crosses trough land just east of Boston (and not too far from where you live) and parts of Maine. In these northeastern areas, it is even stronger than in your birth chart. (The differences are small but noticeable: Mars is less than half a degree from the angle where you life.)

So, in that area, you are more prone to strive in the sense of compete and succeed, and more like to find strife while doing it. How the area is for you depends on how you manage that and what you're looking for in your life. You're on a strong success arc - you need to assess whether this is what you want to continue with.

You also have your Mercury very strong in MA. Your information needs are stronger - you are likely at the hub of information movement, energized and effective in receiving and distribution information, in being its channel. Mercury and Mars share strong business-effectiveness traits. The negative sides - watch for stress and impact on your nerves. (This isn't a forecast. It's something to watch for. I'm guessing stress is far less stressful for you when your energy is up and you're proactive. If you start feeling it, that's a clue that something is off.)

Should you decide to relocate, there aren't a lot of great locations in the U.S., especially in the kind of urban and near-urban areas that I know you've lived. Of course, you could back away from the Mars line to undo the extra intensity of eastern Massachusetts. The one area that stands out as something to move toward (if you are so drawn) is a Sun line that runs just east of the longitude of Raleigh, i.e., due north-south through east-central NC, central VA, west-central PA, and western NY. (You can trace this out on a map. The north-south ruler would fall just to the right of Raleigh, NC and just to the left of Buffalo.) Near this line (and more generally within 200 miles either side of it) you could become more solar - read the Sun Angular traits here viewtopic.php?f=15&t=38#p182 - which could be more self-satisfying in a "true to oneself" sense.

I have one more important thing to say that I'll save for a new post below.

[Kelly Jackson]

I live in South Attleboro, MA which is closer to Providence, RI. Thank you.

[Jim Eshelman]

Even if you choose to live in a given place and are aligned with the kind of energies most ignited in you there, we should consider other charts that cover specific periods of time. Foremost of these is your Sidereal Solar Return (SSR), a chart every year on or near your birthday when Earth completes one exact orbit around the sun.

One of the worst things about where you currently live is that every year - for many years past and to come - Neptune will be closely angular in your SSR. (The SSR angles increase an average of 2° plus a quarter circle every year, while Neptune advances about 2° every year - so they stay synced.) This can be disorienting and frustrating, especially if you are trying to live a directed, purposeful life. (Neptune is really fuzzy about things like direction and purpose.)

Here is an upbeat-leaning interpretation of this Neptune effect, which you have surely felt every year you've been in your current general area: viewtopic.php?f=20&t=227#p1544

What to do about it? Well, the LOCATION that matters for the SSR isn't where you live during the year but, rather, where you on when the chart sets up on or near your birthday. My wife and I have taken to picking to solar return we want every year for the last six or seven years by taking a birthday trip together - making sure we're in the ideal place to have the best Year Chart we can manage. I am convinced this is how these charts operate. In the (I think unlikely) chance that I'm wrong, it's at least a great way to have a fun, interesting, adventurous birthday.

For example, if you had spent your last birthday in Las Vegas or Salt Lake City, you'd have had Venus on an angle - setting the baseline for your year as happy, pleasurable, more relaxed, more satisfied. (There are the usual ups and downs above and below this baseline, but the strong trend would be Venus driven.)

Your next SSR (August 15, 2023) is particularly sever. I strongly encourage you not to stay home for this birthday. - In fact, this is such a big deal that it may be the whole reason you picked now to reach out to this site is to get this exact piece of advice: Don't be in the northeast for your next birthday. (For those looking in, the chart is a Mars-Neptune opposition across the horizon with a little Saturn; Mars exactly conjunct natal Pluto, and both to natal Uranus.) The year would be painful and disruptive.

On the other hand, there are several locations that could give you a lovely baseline to your new year. We are looking primarily for Venus and Jupiter angularities, with Venus being a little more tipped to happiness and Jupiter a bit more tipped to prosperity - though either planet includes both.

Where do you like to vacation? Open countryside or urban? I'll throw some ideas out and if you like the sound of any of them we can narrow it down for you.

Venus is on Descendant on a curve through the middle of New Mexico to the western Dakotas. It passes almost exactly through Denver. (If you've never been to Rocky Mountain National Park an hour and a half out of Denver, August is a spectacular time to go - you can probably get the full two miles up the mountains.) - Denver (for example) puts transiting Venus (exactly conjunct Moon) On one angle and your Sun on another.

Jupiter is on Midheaven on the line of longitude marking the Washington-Idaho border, passing due south through the western edge of Nevada and parts of southmost California that include San Diego. (But San Diego is compromised by natal Saturn also being exactly angular. We'd need to find someplace more obscure.)

An exact Moon-Venus conjunction squares Midheaven in similar areas, mostly empty, including western Arizona and Nevada (the line of longitude is just west of the Great Salt Lake). There's a lot of nothing in most of these areas, although Jerome, AZ is a gorgeous little historical town in an interesting area, and even the center of Northern Arizona's emerging wine area. (Kingman, AZ is a better location for the exact birthday chart event, with Jerome and Cottonwood areas only an hour or so away.)

Jupiter squares Ascendant on a curve from western Texas through Minnesota. I don't recommend that patch, though, because of some Saturn trouble in the middle (and no obvious places to anchor a stay on either end, unless you have a particular interest in the Odessa, TX area).

Just a few ideas on where to spend August 5, 2023, at exactly 7:03 PM MDT. (I put that in Mountain Time because, from a quick look, I recommend Denver, though we can work with you to optimize another area you might prefer.)

[Kelly Jackson]

This is lot to dissect. I will read through it again. And probably a few times after that.

One thing that stands out is that I don't know what happiness is. I don't think I can be happy. My mind is never at peace. I hope understanding and applying what I learn here will help.

[Jim Eshelman]

One thing that stands out is that I don't know what happiness is. I don't think I can be happy. My mind is never at peace. I hope understanding and applying what I learn here will help.

Since your next SSR has an exact Moon-Venus conjunction, I suggest playing that up a lot (by picking an angular Venus place) to give yourself a year to experience what happiness looks and feels like. (That's one reason I picked Denver first, besides it being spectacularly beautiful).

But yeah... maybe start a habit of looking at the little choices you have to make through the filter of, "Which choice would make me happier?:" (It may be a trial and error process.)

[Kelly Jackson]

I love places where I can look out over the ocean. I am on solid ground, but I can look across the ocean. I have been to California, Nantucket, Martha's Vineyard, North Carolina, Newport, RI, Mexico, Alabama, and Maine.

[Jim Eshelman]

I love places where I can look out over the ocean. I am on solid ground, but I can look across the ocean. I have been to California, Nantucket, Martha's Vineyard, North Carolina, Newport, RI, Mexico, Alabama, and Maine.

Other than San Diego, I didn't see any places for the 2023 birthday that put you on an ocean.

I live on the ocean and we spend a lot of our away time driving up the California coast - which is spectacular - those our longer getaways are to the deserts and mountains.

I laughed at myself because, as I started to read your post at got as far as "look out over," my mind went to one large park in Denver where you have nearly a 360° view and almost half of it is a view of the Rocky Mountains from the northern Colorado border around to the deep south of the state.

[Patrick Machado]

Let me belatedly add my welcome to Kelly first.

I wanted to mention that I also found fitting—I'd go so far as insightful—for myself the counsel about being mindful of feeling what is others' to feel. This psychological context seems to map well to a coexistence of pronounced Moon and Mars energies and their polarization (or, more broadly, to sensitive vs. independent planets or some such categorization).

[JD Fan]

Hi Kelly Jackson

when it comes to relocating, I would recommend you PERTH, Australia as your only (major city) choice to get a new empowerment and a life you never had before. You have a perfect location there to be not so stressed.

[Jim Eshelman]

Hi Kelly Jackson

when it comes to relocating, I would recommend you PERTH, Australia as your only (major city) choice to get a new empowerment and a life you never had before. You have a perfect location there to be not so stressed.

Kelly, I think JD Fan is noticing that your Sun rises in Perth. This means, of course, that your Neptune (which squares your Sun) is right on the angles. I'm not sure Neptune square a Cancer Sun is the most fruitful aspect, but here is a description the part of yourself you would be emphasizing: viewtopic.php?f=16&t=184#p1240

You get a little Venus, too, so it might be a lovely vacation spot for you. (I didn't get the impression, though, that you were looking to move out of the country and far, far away but, if so, we can look for splendid places to suggest.)

[Kelly Jackson]

I am not looking to move out of the country. I was struck by the information regarding being a natural entertainer. I have n upcoming job interview. It is the first stage and have been beating down imposter syndrome within me. I am now thinking of the interview as a chance to respond with stories. Knowing myself is helping me be myself rather than strive to be something I am not.

[Jim Eshelman]

I am now thinking of the interview as a chance to respond with stories. Knowing myself is helping me be myself rather than strive to be something I am not.

LOL, do you know the movie La La Land? (A favorite of my wife's and mine.) The climax (or actually pre-climax) of the movie speaks exactly to that experience in an audition.